Build a Strong Personal Foundation » self-growth

Working on Your Life

Kristina — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 19:17:41 +0000

Are you working on your life or are caught up in the daily demands of living? This question was posed Jeanette Cates in a slightly different way. She asked: are you working on your business or in your business. She made a good point that when we work on the business we will be successful since the details of running the business (the IN) become clearer when we know where we are headed.

I think this idea is equally applicable to how we lead our life. When we know the direction we are headed we will be energized and can figure out the way to get there. The first is the big picture the second become the action steps on how to get there. I know that for me when I decided that it was important for me to take care of my body it was the beginning of many changes. As someone who talked big about wanting to exercise but hardly ever found time for it I knew I had to stop talking and start doing. However it wasn’t until I truly committed to working on my life that exercise became a regular part of my life. Surprisingly it took minor shifts in my schedule to make it happen. I began doing to the gym instead of reading the paper in the morning.

It has been that way in other areas of my life also. When I have been clear on what I am working on in my life I become focused. Yet whenever I get caught up in working in my life without it being anchored to a bigger picture I end up being busy but not productive. When you work on your life you are strengthening your personal foundation.

Your Answers Are Within You

Kristina — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:36:38 +0000

I came across a quote by Galileo that has left me puzzled. He said:”You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him discover it within himself.” As a life coach I have helped men and women discover and bring forth their strength and passions which allowed them to expnd their lives. They took the action. I assisted in opening their minds to knew possibilities.

It is the first part of the quote “You cannot teach a man anything” that bothers me. I don’t believe that. Knowing what to do makes a big difference in our lives. My neighbor just had neck surgery. Learning what to expect in recovery, having specific exercises that will strengthen the neck muscles and understanding the pace of recovery have all been extremely helpful in helping her emotionally deal with the slow recovery from this major surgery.

Much of my work has been in helping couples learn healthy communication skills. When couples have applied what they learned they discovered that they were willing to take risks with themselves and speak from the heart.

What is true about what Galileo says is that ultimately we each are responsible for ourselves. He understood that it is up to each of us to discover who we are and what we are capable of doing. My mother in her late eighties began crocheting afghans for her great grandchildren. She knew how to crochet and was used to following patterns. This time however she took the bold step of designing each afghan herself and created a unique personalized design for each afghan. She did what Galileo said we all need. She discovered within her new talents and her work had a purpose of providing a memory for her great grandchildren.

Take Control and Strive for Your Excellence

Kristina — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:10:29 +0000

The strive for excellence needs to be a life long pursuit. How we talk to ourselves and what we expect of ourselves is in our control. When we stop expecting much of ourselves and listen to other people’s voices at the expense of our own we stop being in charge of our lives.

I have been helping people find effective ways to talk to themselves and others that bring out their excellence. For instance, when we talk to ourselves with regret and with ”if only” hindsight we are reverting to excuses. Regrets keep us in the past. Our limitations are usually communication habits that we have not re-examined to see if they are still appropriate. Just the other day a woman told me that she was very angry at her mother for continuing to show preference to her sister while belittling her. In her eyes the solution was that mother needed to change. My answer was that she herself had control over her life. Whenever mother belittled her she needed to speak up. She had to let mother know that the way she spoke to her was unacceptable. Said calmly, with conviction, would put her in control and no longer at the mercy of her mother.

It is by growing our self confidence that we truly can strive for excellence. If we accept that we are the only ones who can take responsibility for ourselves we will not want to settle for a life that is less than it could be. My membership course on communication will show you many easy ways to validate yourself and give you helpful tools for strengthening how you talk with others.

Communication Confusion

Kristina — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 01:10:34 +0000

What happened last night could really occur anytime. This was Hallowe’en evening and I briefly stopped by at to see my two grandchildren in their costumes. She was dressed as a good witch and he as some character out of Star Wars. I handed both a card with $10 in it. They were excited at their sudden wealth.

A few minutes later my 7 year old granddaughter pushed her money away and said”I don’t want it!” We grown ups rushed in and said a number of things like ”What’s going on. You were happy just a few minutes ago. It’s yours. Put it into your piggy bank.” She quietly said Okey. Her 5 year old brother was happy with his money.

I was puzzled as to how come she went from being so excited to declaring loudly that she did not want it. I was curious as to what was she saying to herself that prompted her to change her mind? Fortunately we had a chance to talk about it later. She said she had never had so much money at one time and it made her feel funny. I asked her what she meant by that. She explained that she thought I had given her too much and she better give it back.

Giving the money back was in her mind a generous act yet the harshness with which she expressed it could easily be interpreted as being ungrateful. How often do we find ourselves in situations where we think we know what the other person means when reality is that we don’t have a clue. It is when we ask for more information that words and behavior that seem confusing begin to make good sense.

Communication confusion does not just happen with children but of course also between adults. It is easy to jump to conclusions as if we were mind readers without giving the other person a chance to explain what is meant. When confused an effective communication skill is to ask for more information rather than resorting to mind reading.

If you are looking for more helpful suggestions on effective communication skills please visit http:/www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com. Hear you can get a free small report on “Speaking from the Heart” and learn about my 12 week commmunicating with ease course.

Simple Solution to a Long Standing Problem

Kristina — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 15:54:51 +0000

Many struggles in relationships can be simply solved by introducing deliberate shifts into the communication patterns. By viewing the struggle as being in the interaction the focus is shifted from the indivdual to what happens between the two people.

A few days ago when we had coffee at the gym after working out my exercise partner shared that she was angry at her husband because he always had to have his way. I asked her “how come you give him so much power?” Her explanation was that this is just how he is and there was nothing she could do about it. I disagreed and said that she played an important part in allowing this balance. She bristled and we dropped the subject.

This morning she told several of us that she had something to share. Her Dad had been over and her husband and Dad got into an ugly political exchange that got out of hand. As a result no one enjoyed the lovely dinner she had prepared. Afterwards she did two things. She called her Dad and said that from now on when he came over political discussions were off limits. Then she wrote a letter to her husband (making numerous revisions until it reflected just what she wanted to say stressing the qualities she admired and also addressing her concerns) and gave it to him fearing all the while that he would erupt in anger. Instead he read the letter and apologized calmly for his behavior.

She was so proud of herself for taking action instead of silently fuming as was her habit. This is a great example of how by viewing the problem as occuring in their interaction rather than in the individual ”this is how he is”. she was able to introduced a simple shift in her response. No longer did she feel so resigned and helpless but rather took delight in having trusted her heart to take appropriate action.

“I am Terrible”

Kristina — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 14:08:40 +0000

This morning my seven year old granddaughter, a brand new piano student, began to play Yankee Doodle Dandy. When she hit the wrong keys she would in frustration yell out “I am terrible!” After I heard that a few times I suggested that she say instead “I messed up. I am just learning”.

How often do we put ourselves down or give up when something is hard? To say “Iam terrible” can in time become a way of defining who one is. What we say to ourselves has a lot to do with our image of who we are. I wanted my granddaughter to become aware that she had a choice in how she spoke to herself. I want her to develop a growth mindset where she can see that what she needed was practice strategies in order to learn to play this new song. To expect herself to be able to do play a newe song when she first sat down was a set up for frustration. What I want for her is that she not limit herself with judgmental self-talk.

Many adults are in the habit of judging themselves with the result that they stop taking risks that allow them to discover their true potential. Adults can learn to change their belief system from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. The first is based on a belief that our intelligence, talents and behaviors are fixed the latter is based on the belief that these same characteristics can be developed.

We know now that people can learn to develop a growth mindset at any age. Over the years I have coached many men and women. Once they understood the value of developing a growth mindset they were much more willing to apply effort in order to pursue their dreams. The result was that they increased their self confidece and felt better about temselves.

Skills For Handling Yourself When Angry

Kristina — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 19:18:49 +0000

There are simple skills that can greatly improve well being. For instance, do you have effective skills for managing yourself when you are upset? This is such a common problem that knowing what to do could make all the difference. When we are emotionally worked up it helps to know how to get control back.

Here are some skills to keep in mind if you want to get back in control.

1. Instead of immediately reacting focus on yourself and begin to breathe deeply. Keep in mind that all of us when we are upset automatically start hyper ventilating and our breath becomes shallow.

2. Silently begin counting to 20 or up to fifty or however long you need. The reason for that is you want to be able to think again. When we are all emotion it is impossible to think clearly.

3. The task is to focus on getting control over yourself. The alternative is that out of anger and frustration you may say or act in ways that you do not want to. By focusing on yourself you will get control back which enhances your well being.

4. Once you can think again figure out what you want the person you are upset with to understand.

5. Speak in “I” messages instead of “you”. You puts the other person on the defensive while I puts you in charge of you.

6. Keep the discussion in the present and stay focused on the issue at hand. If you bring in the past you can no longer find a solution to the present dilemma. By handling your feelings successfully you will have interrupted and changed the communication between you.

Did You Really Hear What I Said?

Kristina — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 19:35:08 +0000

Communication in relationships can be confusing. It involves both talking and listening and lots of emotion. My passion is helping people relate with each other so that they feel heard and understood. In this blog I will focus on the art of listening. There is a big difference between half listening and full listening. When we are half listening our minds are occupied with other thoughts at the same time. As I am writing this I can hear the voice of one of my children “You are not listening, you did not hear what I said”. And the truth was I really only half heard. I would then get jolted back to the present moment and make sure that I engaged fully while listening.

Many times when I half listened I was not even conscious of the fact that I only half heard. At other times I would pretend to listen but my mind would be occupied with other things. In such situations it would have been much better to say “I can’t be present and listen right now.” The next step then would be to find a time when both of us could be fully present.

Another useful idea is to put aside all preconceived ideas of what the speaker is going to say. If we do not do that we can easily pretend to be mind readers. The tendency is to mentally say to oneself “I know what he/she is going to say. I have heard it before”. Instead, expect yourself to listen and then make sure that you really understood what was said by asking follow up questions.

A friend told me that she overheard her 20 something daughter yelling at her boyfriend and using ugly language. He had recently moved 500 miles away for military training and she wanted to know if their relationship had a future or not. She spilled all her frustration on him. Yet what she was really struggling with was her fear that he was pulling away not just in distance but also emotionally. If he only heard her words what was going on with her emotionally.

It is valuable to keep in mind that if the speaker is emotional there is a whole layer of feelings behind the words spoken. Good time to try to get more clarity as to what really is being said.

A Mindset for Change

admin — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 01:38:05 +0000

I have been interested as to when,how, and why people change for a long time. No doubt my decision to become a therapist and life coach had to do with this curiosity; however, I also saw myself as playing a part in the change process.

Most of the time it is a crisis that propels people to seek help. Once the old equilibrium is reestablished then the need for change is no longer pressing. Yet, I found quite a number of people wanted to continue making changes. They became aware that their lives had been curtailed either emotionally or through a limiting belief system. For those people the desire for change became internally driven. I would teach people how to develop a growth mindset and it was up to them to figure out what they wanted for themselves. As a result change became something to be explored by applying curiosity and effort.

I am convinced that when people develop a growth mindset they begin to see new possibilities for themselves which propel them grow which inevitably involves making changes. As result the reason to make changes is no longer propelled by a crisis but rather by the belief that growth and change is possible throughout life.

Communication-How do you talk to yourself?

admin — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 21:24:23 +0000

Do you realize that the way you talk to yourself is completely in your control? It is by believing this little nugget that you take charge of your life.

Let me share with you what Carol, a coaching client, excitedly shared with me today. We had been talking about the importance of changing how she spoke to herself. Carol has had tragic losses in her life and has struggled with depression. She had developed an inner dialogue where she would put herself down, look at the world through negative glasses, and was resigned to the fact that this was how her life was and that change was not possible.

I have been teaching her about developing a growth mindset which is based on the belief that our brains need new information in order to keep growing. She decided to try to introduce the new thought that she in charge of her own life and that she had no control over others.

In the past with her negative view of self she took responsible for all that went wrong. If her son acted out it was her fault, if her husband raised any questions she would personalize the interaction. She joyfully shared that by changing her inner dialogue from “I am responsible for everyone’s happiness to I am responsible for myself and I need to give others the freedom to be in charge of their lives” she was able to respond differently to them.

To change long standing beliefs takes concentration and practice. As Carol said “It is scary and exciting to feel in charge of myself. Once you ‘ get it’ you want more”. And that is the beauty of building a strong personal foundation.