In a loving relationship the two people have to be able to trust each other.  Trust comes from following through on commitments,  being responsible and caring, and being able to think of how what each does impacts on the other.  Here is an example of how one man became aware of how he excluded his wife when he made decisions.

I had been coaching a couple as they were working on strengthening their relationship.  I had a call  from the husband saying that he wanted to change their appointment scheduled  for the following day.  I am generally quite flexible and,  if I can, I am happy to do so.  My question to him was: what does your wife say?

It turned out he had not discussed it with her nor had he thought of doing so. I could clearly see his pattern of making decisions that affect both of them.  She had shared  that there were numerous  times when  he did not follow through on what they had agreed to. .  This  was a good example of  that.   He only thought of his need to change the appointment without extending the courtesy to discuss it with her. He explained to me that it did not even occur to him to discuss this with her.

I made a strong point over the phone that I felt it was important that they came in soon especially since his wife had clearly expressed that she wanted to meet on that day. He had “forgotten”.  He agreed to talk it over with his wife.  A bit later he called to say that they would both be in a day after the originally scheduled appointment if I could see them then. He sheepishly added that he finally understood the” WE thing”.  This time he became aware of how she felt when he did not include her in the change of plans that affected both of them. She had trusted his word.

What he meant by the “WE thing” was that he finally undedrstood that if he wanted  a loving relationship he had  to think on two levels: What do I want and how will that affect my relationship. When I saw them again  there was a shift in how they related to each other.

Control in relationships gets complicated. There are several ways that control affects relationships. In healthy relationships  it is important for each person to be in control of self.  That means that each  takes responsibility for his/her own feelings and thinking.  This  kind of control increases self-worth and enhances the well being of the relationship.

Another way that control is referred to in relationships is when  someone  says “he/she is controlling me.”  That happens when one person insists in having things his/her way.  It makes it impossible for the other person to be accepted for who he/she is.  The “controlling person’s” reality takes precedence.  This kind of control is destructive to relationships.

There are also substances that take control of people.  Alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. can all develop control over a person’s ability to function freely which greatly impacts relationships.

The more effort people put into growing  in being in control of themselves the less they are willing to put up with relationships that limit self-growth.  Instead, they look for and create relationships that are based on respect, friendship, and love.

A dear friend of mine shared how surprised she was by her husband’s reaction to the current financial crisis. He was panicking and saying that he did not think he would ever be able to retire now. This was not the way he typically handled concerns — somehow this was different for him. Seeing their hard earned money lose considerable value became something that he felt responsible for. He fretted that he had not made better decisions to diversify more and that he was letting her down. Since they had both made the decisions of how much and where to invest she was taken a back how personally he reacted this time.

My experience has been that we often don’t know what situation may set off an unfamiliar response in us. The trigger for my friend’s husband was an old message that he had a long time ago heard from his father: “It is a man’s job to provide for his wife.” He had not even been consciously aware that he had held on to this belief all these years. What helped him lessen his anxiety were her gentle reminders that they were in this together and that she did not hold him responsible. As they reverted to their normal process of finding solutions together his anxiety calmed.

When worried it is important to not keep it all to oneself. A typical reaction to anxiety is to revert to all-or-nothing thinking, to personalize the problem, and to lose perspective. Having a partner or friend with whom to talk things over can help to lessen the worries. When there is less anxiety, it becomes possible to start looking for how this crisis will impact the future and find solutions.