For instance, if you have a boss who micro manages it [...]]]>

Couple relationships are more than the two individuals.  That is because the relationship becomes a separate entity.  Consequently, changes that an individual makes will have an impact on the relationship balance. This is just as true in personal relationships as in work relationships.

For instance, if you have a boss who micro manages it will difficult to bring forth what you are capable of doing.  You will feel that you are constantly being monitored and having to justify what you are doing. If instead you have a boss who is a mentors by coaching you will instead discover your own strengths and abilities. In one situation you wither in the other you thrive.

The same is true in personal relationships.  If two people have a relationship of equality they will handle whatever comes up in a respectful fair way.  However, if the relationship is based on one person having more power than the other the relationship balance is tilted towards reinforcing the power.  In such a relationship one person will not be able to relate freely but rather end of squelching vital parts in order to keep the relationship in this equilibrium.

I help men and women strengthen their personal foundation so that they can create relationships which allow them the freedom to be who they are.

One of my friends had been struggling for years with being overweight. It bothered her greatly. [...]]]>

Each one of us deep inside wants to feel good about who we are. Simply put we want to accept, respect and love ourselves and have people in our lives who appreciate us just for who we are.

One of my friends had been struggling for years with being overweight. It bothered her greatly. She wanted to weigh less and had over the years tried many diets. She did well for a while and then the weight crept back up again. She would say to herself that she could not feel good about herself until she lost the weight.

Many people can relate to how she felt. What she did not understand for a long time was that the biggest obstacle was what  she said to herself. Her premise was that she could not feel good about herself until she accomplished her goal. It is no wonder that she was so discouraged. Her internal communication was filled with put downs and self loathing. Yet in her professional life she was a successful business woman. She could not appreciate these strengths because there was this other voice inside saying “I am a failure”.

The key to building a strong personal foundation is to accept oneself exactly where one is now. My friend had to learn to shift her thinking to “I am OK now”. By accepting herself she freed herself up to begin strengthening her “I value myself muscle”. Acceptance is the starting point for doing the work to build a strong foundation. It is by taking the right action that reinforces personal growth that allows us to bring forth the greatness within.

Then comes the clincher. Your partner, [...]]]>

You are excited. You finally took the big step to pursue what you have been wanting to do for a long time. You are energized and feel yourself evolving in new directions. Although at times you are scared and feel uncertain you stay focused and start having success.

Then comes the clincher. Your partner, who initially was supportive, is starting to complain, question, raise concerns and make new demands. You are taken a back and question if it is worth it to continue this new venture if it puts such stress on your relationship. This is a critical time in a relationship.

Here are some ideas to keep in mind if you find yourself in such a situation:

1. Whenever one person makes changes it affects the other person.
The equilibrium that you had between you is being tested. The longer you are involved in your new pursuits the less sure your partner will be as to his/her continued place in your life. As the established pattern shifts there will be a period of uncertainty.

2. Stay focused on what you are doing but with added sensitivity to your partners’ needs.
When you realize that it is normal for your partner to feel stress because you have shifted the familiar balance it will be easier to offer reassurance to your partner.

3. You can create a new balance that will enrich both of your lives
When one person makes changes the other will have to change also. At first there will be the expected resistance, followed by anxiety, and finally acceptance that things will be different between both of you. People who are building a strong personal foundation understand that these kinds of adjustments to individual changes are part and parcel of healthy relationships.

Learning to accept and love ourselves is vital for our self esteem.  Yet many of us were raised with messages that [...]]]>

When we appreciate and love ourselves we easily  find ways to grow our personal energy.   Our energy comes from taking good care of our bodies, from challenging our minds, and from our relationships.

Learning to accept and love ourselves is vital for our self esteem.  Yet many of us were raised with messages that to love ourselves is selfish.  We were taught to love others instead of ourselves.  The result is self depreciation.  We  all know that there is an extreme to self love that is called narcissism.  Narcissists do not know how to love others. That is not the self love I am talking about.  I am referring to the fact that by loving ourselves  we value who we are.  This ability to value who we are  makes it possible for us to love others.

When loving self is viewed through the value lens it becomes possible to see others as equally valuable.  Energy is not wasted on envy, fear, proving oneself, putting others down rather it is used for self.  It also follows that people who care about themselves do not want to limit their energy by abusing drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs or letting others abuse them.  Instead they want to build and use their energy to live life to the fullest.

Self-worth comes from building a strong personal foundation.

Each person can only take responsibility for their [...]]]>

My passion is helping people build  relationships that they enjoy.  I think that there are too many people who do not understand that healthy  marital relationships require a constant balancing of individual needs with togetherness needs.  Both are necessary  needs and  have to be attended to.

Each person can only take responsibility for their own feelings and thinking. How well the togetherness balance works has to do with the sense of autonomy each person has.  Independence  involves  handling  life tasks responsibly, being able to stand on ones own two feet emotionally, and an ability to relate appropriately with others.  From my work in relationship building I see couples, married for a  number of years,  who started out with a pretty good  sense of self but gradually submerged it.  That shift comes about because one person stopped paying enough attention to own needs and began paying more attention to the partners.  This usually happens very gradually and frequently without conscious awareness.

In these situations the task  is for each person is to get back to taking full responsibility for self.  In order to rekindle their relationship each person had to be open to addressing their own issues.  It is only then that they can also simultaneously work on strengthening their relationship.

Let me share an example.  Here is [...]]]>

Has this happened to you? You are  in a good mood and then your partner says something and “puff” your mood changes.  This is the relationship effect.  It can show up in many different ways but invariably is reflects abdication of control over oneself to someone else.

Let me share an example.  Here is the scene.  It is morning. Claudia is in the kitchen making breakfast.  She is in a good mood.  Mark enters the kitchen and growls “where is the paper”. He sits down, picks up the paper, and begins to eat.  He looks up and comments that his eggs are cold.  Claudia crumbles on the inside.  She says to herself I never do anything right, I can’t please him etc.   From that moment on she slips into a depressive funk. Mark gets up and warms up his eggs in the microwave.  She interprets his action as “he is mad at me”.

Mark and Claudia are caught in a pattern that is unhealthy for both of them.  Claudia had many choices in how she could have responded to Mark.  She acted as if there was only one choice.  Claudia personalized Mark’s comment about the eggs as if there was something wrong with her.  Since Mark didn’t say anything further she made her own interpretation that he was mad at her.  It would have helped if he would have said that he had a lot on his mind or that he was in a foul mood.  He didn’t say it and she did not comment on his behavior.  Instead Claudia took it all on that she was mot OK.

Couples can easily find themselves in a similar situation.  How they respond will make a big difference as to if this becomes a communication struggle or not.  For instance Claudia, if she had not personalized the situation, could have commented that Mark sure seemed to be having a tough morning.  His mood was not about her.  Yet she altered her mood to reflect his.

When you believe you are in control of yourself it becomes easier to see the other person objectively and to accept the other as separate with own struggles, moods, frustrations and joys and desires.

Here is how I like to think about boundaries.  Boundaries are the imaginary lines we have drawn around ourselves.  [...]]]>

I am frequently asked “what in the world are boundaries?”  This comes from people who have heard that it is important to have boundaries but they have no real understanding as to what that means.

Here is how I like to think about boundaries.  Boundaries are the imaginary lines we have drawn around ourselves.  They are our way of protecting ourselves and reflect what we feel we deserve in life.  Let me give you some examples.   If you were  emotionally put down when growing up you may think that is what you deserve. You may as an  adult end up with partners or friends who also put you down because you still deep down think “that is what I deserve.”  Once you realize that this is not what you deserve and start building a strong personal foundation you will begin to grow your boundaries.  In this case you will need to create boundaries that reflect that you value yourself and learn to set boundaries which others may not cross.

In contrast you may have boundaries that are too tight. You may have learned that the world is not a save place and you may have developed rigid boundaries which limit your experiences of life.

What we all want is to have our imaginary lines be such that we enjoy the freedom to bring  forth who we are and have the wisdom to set limits when people try to cross our boundaries.

In order to feel in charge of our lives  we have to have boundaries.  Our boundaries  have to reflect who we are.   If we have boundaries that were too loose or  too tight and our image of who we are changes  we have to adjust our boundaries.  We all have the capacity to unlearn what holds us back and to develop boundaries that reflect our strong personal foundation.

I am reminded [...]]]>