Recently I came across the following quote by Stephen Covey “The most important  ingredient we put in any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are.”  This is especially significant in the midlife transition stage where “what we are” becomes a very personal search.  This is the time of life of getting in touch with what one still wants to do in life. Whatever action an individual takes  will have an impact on the couple relationship.

Relationships can be  our most powerful emotional support or they can be powerful drainers of energy.  People who are in relationships develop a rhythm between them.  Most relationships at midlife can use some adjusting. By midlife there is a predictability  to the  pattern of interacting.  When one person starts introducing change it will affect the balance of the relationship.  This is bound to happens in midlife as one or both start making changes in order to add new directions to their life.

In this search for personal change it is important to keep in mind the impact of those changes on the relationship. Step mentally back and look objectively at your relationship.  There are usually long standing habits or limitations that need to be adjusted.  As one person expects more of self he/she also wants more from the relationship.   Then the couple has to see if they can incorporate the changes so that they can  grow together.

Did you know that we need change in life in order to feel vibrant?   We need it as individuals and also in our relationships. It is newness that revitalizes us and keeps us energized.  Relationships need periodic rekindling. Marriages  settle into predictable patterns of interacting.  This may work well for many years  but at some point one person will indicate that he/she wants some changes.  How the couple handles this need for change  is very important.

One of the ground rules of relationship success is that both people have to be OK. If one person is unhappy the relationship is no longer OK.  This  is a signal that they have to together start figuring out what it will take for both of them to be happy again.  Sometimes it may be that one person needs to make individual changes other times it may well be a sign that the couple has settled into a  pattern that is no longer working.

Carl and Mary fall into this latter category.  Their relationship looked like it worked  for both of them for many years.  They were busy with their careers and activities but had very little meaningful time with each other.  Then one day Carl in a frustrating outburst  expressed that he was unhappy with their relationship.

Carl’s outburst scared Mary since she had no idea he felt that way.  She had been so sure that as a couple they were fine. As she thought about it, she had to admit that they had grown apart.  Their life had fallen into a predictable pattern and  needed  an infusion of caring for each other and activities that they enjoyed.  They realized that their relationship needed rekindling so that they again could be happy together.

I read a blurb today put out by the European Union (consisting of 27 nations) stating that the number of children born out of wedlock has doubled in the last twenty years.  The country with the highest out of wedlock birth rate, 59%, is Estonia. Since I am originally from Estonia I was very interested in this statistic.

It was in the summer of 2009 that I last visited Estonia.  There I met parents in their twenties and early thirties that definitely fit this trend.  They saw little need to get married.  Yet both parents were living with their children and devoted to raising them together.

I would be very interested in knowing how many of these out of wedlock children were being raised in a two parent family. One of my cousin’s children shared that he and the mother of his two children were thinking of getting married.  It was not because they felt they needed to for their children but rather that they wanted to make that commitment to each other.

A few years ago I knew a couple from Germany who  came to the States  for 2 or 3 years. They had gotten married when they came to the US in order to be able to be on the same health plan and they feared that their children would be stigmatized if their parents were not married.  They saw no need to marry in Germany because there was no stigma to not being married.  What mattered to them was their commitment to each other and to their two sons.

When my husband and I got married we cherished having our family and friends present as we made our public commitment of love to each other.  I would like couples to have the freedom to make the decision to get married or not based on what they think is right for them.

When I was growing up I only remember there being Mother’s Day. As I think about it I realize  that it never occurred to me to question why  there was not a Father’s Day.  I lived in Austria from age 6 to 13 and subsequently in the States where my family did not celebrate Father’s Day.  We always honored our mother and grandmother on Mother’s Day.

Yet my father was a big part of my life.  What I remember best was that he gave us children (three girls, one boy) opportunities to challenge ourselves.  He did it in a way that the unspoken message came across as “of course you can do it”.  Yet the actual voice I hear came  as directives:  “stand up straight, pull your stomach in, close your mouth when eating,  elbows of the table  etc.  At the time I hated these reminders but  tried  to do as told.  It was when I got quite a bit older that I realized that the indirect expectations and the spoken directives were both ways of showing love.  He noticed and cared about how we presented ourselves and how we challenged ourselves.

Today I did a little search and found out that  it was President Lyndon Johnson  in 1966 who signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June Father’s Day.  However, it was in 1972 during the Nixon years that the holiday was officially recognized.  My children have grown up with Father’s Day being an official holiday.  When it comes to parenting father’s and mother’s both have a vital  part and I am glad that both are now officially honored.

I read an interesting observation today stressing a big drawback of living together before marriage.  The reason given was  that  many people begin to live together before they have had a chance to experience what it is like to be independent. As a result they miss out on the growing up step of standing on their own two feet. It is no wonder than that the desire for independence vs. also the desire for togetherness becomes an issue in many marriages. It is a dilemma I have witnessed over and over.

My specialty is relationship building.  I believe that the  major task when working with couples  is to help each person take full responsibility for self. .  By that I mean  that they own what they feel and think and can objectively hear the other person.   When they can do that working on their couple issues becomes easy.  At that point each will have a clear sense of what he/she  wants for self and what each  wants their marriage/relationship to look like.  Then the relationship issues  become a balancing of the needs of each while simultaneously building a relationship that enhances each individual’s  life.

I have just been listening to Tiger Woods who  gave a press conference.  This time he really seemed to understand the emotional ramifications of his behavior both for himself and for his marriage.  His infidelity was a betrayal of their marital commitment.  Only time will tell if his wife and he can repair their marriage.

A few days ago I read an article in The Washington Post about a couple who have been married twenty-five years.  They talk about the ups and downs including her cancer.  They think  that their marriage thrived because of their firm commitment to their wedding vows.  Over the years they  learned to  trust that what ever came their way they would get through it together.  He would be there for her and she would  be there for him.  They see themselves still evolving as individuals and feel that the best years of their marriage are still ahead of them.

Being married 43 years I can only concur with the couple above that it takes a commitment to each other  to get through the challenges that life brings.  The idea that we were in this together was for me a beacon to hold up in front of me.  It meant not only thinking of my own needs and desires but also what was best for US.

From listening to Tiger it looks like he is growing emotionally as an individual.  If his relationship with his wife survives will depend very much on each ones willingness and desire to rekindle trust and love in their marriage.

When I say “Think Process” most people do not have a clue of what I am talking about. By process I mean learning to look at what goes on in between people.  We are so used to taking a one dimensional look at what goes on with a person that we neglect to study what happens between people. Yet the clue to understanding couple relationships is in looking at the process between the two people.

Each person brings their own script into a relationship.  Each has an idea of what they expect of marriage, what the role of a husband and a wife looks like, how to communicate with each other, what kind of life they want to create together. How they resolve these differences has to do with their process.  For instance, if their process is that one person has to be right, then the other person has little choice but to give in.

My coaching and teaching focuses very much on helping people change the process that limits them into a process that strengthens both people and their  relationship.