I like to think that I have learned the difference between personal development and personal evolution.  It has taken me time to appreciate the difference.  For most of us real personal evolution happens in the second half of life. That is when we are conscious of our inner need to live authentically. I see personal development as the steps in evolving our lives towards expanding our potential.

Personal evolution is the discovery of becoming who one is capable of being by letting life unfold without tightly controlling the outcome.   It is based on accepting and loving  who one is and discovering who one is capable of being.  The challenge becomes to expect oneself to live life to the fullest.

Here is an example of what I mean.  A neighbor of mine  had been divorced many years and yearned to meet someone who would value her.  Yet in her mind she doubted that it would happen.  She was right.  She was hoping for a prince but did not see herself as a princess. She did not feel good about herself and the men she dated reflected that.  In order to meet the kind of person she envisioned she first had to evolve her life so that she felt that she had something of value to offer.  After  focusing on upgrading her life  several years later she met a man who was looking for a competent self assured partner.  She had evolved herself into becoming just that kind of woman. 

When we truly listen to ourselves we do hear our dreams.  It is often easier to rationalize these dreams away as being unreachable or silly hopes.  If instead we honor  them and apply effort and persistence to reach them we will indeed be  living  life to the fullest.

At various times in life most of us get a longing  for change.  This is especially true when we are  in the second half of life. It happened to me.  A little voice inside me kept nagging me to make some changes because I was not living my life to the fullest.  I was ready to grow but not taking action.  Here are the five strategies that have made a big difference in my life.

1. Listen to your heart

Every one of us has a little nagging voice inside. It is connected to our heart and pushes us to live according to our values and urges us to keep growing. Listen to it. Trust what you hear. It is reminding you to take good care of yourself  and urging you to live your life to the fullest.

2. Let go of excuses

Most of us are masters at finding good reasons why we cannot make changes. One of my big excuses was “if only” thinking. If only my husband and my business partner would change then I would be O.K.  So I waited but they did not change. .  The problem was that they were both fine and I was not.  I also had excuses like: I am too busy, I should be content, I am too old – all excuses not to leave the familiar comfort zone. Finally I had the courage to stop listening to the excuses and began to upgrade my life personally and professionally.

3. Believe in a growth mindset.

The ability to keep growing throughout life has everything to do with our mindset.  If we believe that we can keep growing throughout life we become responsible for how we lead our lives. William James has a marvelous quote: “the minute a man ( I will add and woman) seizes to grow, no matter what his years, the minute he begins to be old”. I see a growth mindset as being the foundation for aging vibrantly.

4. Make a commitment to take action.

To live into our potential we have to make a commitment to ourselves.  We have to care to be the best we can be.  Thus anyone who wants to have better relationships, make more money, feel good about self  has to figure out the steps to take to make it happen. It is true that when we make a commitment to whatever matters to us and then take action we grow in self confidence.  Ultimately what we all seek and need is to feel good about who we are and how we lead our lives.

5. Enjoy the journey

Growth and change are an ungoing process. When you enjoy the journey you are living fully in the present.  You stop having regrets about the past and worrying about the future.  You will have goals in front of you but they are held loosely. You enjoy evolving your life and are willing to detour if that is where your path leads you.

Are you working on your life or are caught up in the daily demands of living? This question was posed Jeanette Cates in a slightly different way.  She asked:  are you working on your business or in your business.  She made a good point that when we work on the business we will be successful since the details of running the business (the IN) become clearer when we know where we are headed.

I think this idea is equally applicable to how we lead our life.  When we know the direction we are headed we will be energized and can figure out the way to get there.  The first is the big picture the second become the action steps on how to get there. I know that for me when I decided that it was important for me to take care of my body it was the beginning of many changes.  As someone who talked big about wanting to exercise but hardly ever found time for it I knew I had to stop talking and start doing.  However it wasn’t until I truly committed to working on my life that exercise became a regular part of my life. Surprisingly it took   minor shifts in my schedule to make it happen. I began doing to the gym instead of reading the paper in the morning.

It has been that way in other areas of my life also.  When I have been clear on what I am working on in my life I become focused.  Yet whenever I get caught up in working in my life without it being anchored to a bigger picture I end up being busy but not productive.  When you work on your life you are strengthening your personal foundation.

Recently I came across a great visual for empowerment “Get out of the backseat and get behind the steering wheel.” When you are in the driver’s seat and want to start moving you have to take action.  Turn on the ignition, put the car in drive, and follow the road.  If you don’t take those steps you will stand still. It is the driver who has to start the process of getting started.

It  takes little energy to stay in the backseat; however, gradually it will lead to feeling stifled. Whenever we settle for less than we are capable off we short change ourselves.  It takes energy to get out of the backseat and take responsibility to be in the driver’s seat and choose the path we want to be on. First of all you have to believe that you can change the condition of your life.  Secondly, you have to take action to make change happen.

I believe that inside every one of us is a drive that propels us to grow and expect more of ourselves.  It is when we ignore this inner voice that we are apt to settle for the backseat. Energy comes from feeling in charge of the direction of our lives.  We have to take action in order to create energy for ourselves.  For example, we can do that by eating nutritious foods, exercising, getting adequate rest, having positive relationships etc.  When we take care of ourselves we become energized and discover that we are no longer in the backseat but instead are in the front seat.  There is a new found feeling of empowerment in being able to choose the direction we want our life to take.

After an hour of exercising this morning I had coffee with two women at the gym.   Each of them expressed frustration with their husbands.  It all came down to communication difficulties.  The husband of one got upset because she did not want to watch a TV special ( a show he knew she liked) with him.  The real issue was that she had been at a neighbors baking cookies all evening and he was lonely.  He was not able to say that directly instead he loudly insisted she watch the show.  She was upset that he was yelling at her and snapped back that she was going to bed.

 She added that she usually acquiesces or leaves the room.  Neither is a satisfactory solution because this similar pattern keeps recurring.  Such interchanges leave both of them  frustrated.  Here is a simple suggestion on what she could do differently next time.  When he confronted her if she were to say ” I understand that I have not been around much and I have appreciated how tolerant you have been.” Hopefully he would have felt understood..  She could have decided to stay for a little while and also let him know that she would have to go to bed shortly since she was exhausted.

Arguments frequently result from not using words to really explain to the other person what is going on emotionally. Instead it may come out as blaming and criticizing.  As soon as one person responds differently the communication system begins to change. I have a helpful 12 lesson series on skills for communicating with ease.  You can find out more about it by going to http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com.

This is a good example of two people not being able to change a long standing pattern that leaves each feeling that the other one is unreasonable. Here are some ideas on how to change this frustrating interchange.  When he husband showed his anger and frustration if she had been able to say to him “I can see that you are upset that I have not been around”. By validating what she could surmise he felt she could have agreed to sit  with him for a little while and told him that she was tired and whe would make sure that they got to connect more the next day.

In a loving relationship the two people have to be able to trust each other.  Trust comes from following through on commitments,  being responsible and caring, and being able to think of how what each does impacts on the other.  Here is an example of how one man became aware of how he excluded his wife when he made decisions.

I had been coaching a couple as they were working on strengthening their relationship.  I had a call  from the husband saying that he wanted to change their appointment scheduled  for the following day.  I am generally quite flexible and,  if I can, I am happy to do so.  My question to him was: what does your wife say?

It turned out he had not discussed it with her nor had he thought of doing so. I could clearly see his pattern of making decisions that affect both of them.  She had shared  that there were numerous  times when  he did not follow through on what they had agreed to. .  This  was a good example of  that.   He only thought of his need to change the appointment without extending the courtesy to discuss it with her. He explained to me that it did not even occur to him to discuss this with her.

I made a strong point over the phone that I felt it was important that they came in soon especially since his wife had clearly expressed that she wanted to meet on that day. He had “forgotten”.  He agreed to talk it over with his wife.  A bit later he called to say that they would both be in a day after the originally scheduled appointment if I could see them then. He sheepishly added that he finally understood the” WE thing”.  This time he became aware of how she felt when he did not include her in the change of plans that affected both of them. She had trusted his word.

What he meant by the “WE thing” was that he finally undedrstood that if he wanted  a loving relationship he had  to think on two levels: What do I want and how will that affect my relationship. When I saw them again  there was a shift in how they related to each other.

My answer is probably very similar to what most people would answer: yes/but.  The but is for not wanting to live so long that my mind and body no longer represent who I am.  Recently I went to a workshop on longevity.  It was interesting to learn what a difference a healthy lifestyle has on aging well. In order to live to a hundred we all would like to be healthy and of sound mind. There is a lot we can learn from the lifestyles of the healthy centenarians.

In my last column I talked about the value of making positive changes in ones life on a consistent basis  instead of being propelled into making changes because of a crisis.At the conference I learned about the way the Costa Ricans live that leads to a long and healthy life.

The average Costa Rican man at age 60 years has twice the chance to reach age 90 years as a man in France, Japan or the U.S.  Here are some of their life style practices: having a strong sense of purpose, contributing to the community, keeping a focus on the family, consuming fewer calories mostly from a vegetarian diet, working physically hard and maintaining social networks with lots of laughter and talking.

There are  life style practices of the Costa Ricans that we would do well to emulate. I am especially thinking of their strong focus on family and how they enjoy their social connections.