Last time I wrote about the new Happiness Pill which  is being sold as the answer for our longing to feel good.  Since then I have seen ads for pills with similar claims marketed under a variety of  names.  Of course anti depressants make similar promises. It is no wonder that the percentage of people taking them keeps increasing.

I recently read that Dr. Andrew Weil referred to depression as “the common cold of modern emotional life”. Because of the prevalence of depression I thought this was very apt description.  He was not referring to the people who have depression brought on by the imbalance of brain chemicals which can be very debilitating.  Instead he was talking about what is commonly referred to as  low level depression.  What we know is that  this kind of depression frequently begins to lift as the result of  making changes in thinking and life style habits.

I refer to myself as a self-mastery and relationship coach. I believe  that relationship change starts with the individual.  Recently I coached a woman who was unhappy and putting most of the blame on her husband.  She was stuck in “if only” thinking which kept her in the past.  In order to take control of her life she had to start living in the present.  Change can only happen in the present. She could see that she had neglected herself by becoming overweight, not caring enough about her appearance, and admitting that she was bored.  As she worked at becoming mindful -paying full attention to the present moment- she started to take action to take better care of herself.  As her depression began to lift she was in a much better position to address her relationship concerns.  As she felt better she was amazed to discover that things that she had thought were big problems could be dealt with successfully.

To feel contentment takes a willingness to address the things that bother us and concrete action to make the necessary changes in order to create the life we want.

Did you read the article about the new happiness pill which appeared in many papers?   The article claimed that this pill  could  become the greatest growing mood product. It is touted to be the answer to millions of Americans who are struggling to stay happy.  Just two pills a day will ease stress and anxiety and help you live a happier more active life.

As I read this I began to feel depressed..  How sad that so many people are looking for a pill to make them feel better. They were not talking about people who are clinically depressed rather this pill is for ordinary folk who would like to find an easy way to be happy.

I believe that the feeling of happiness is the result of  taking charge of one’s own life.  A pill will give temporary relief,  but unless the underlying conditions are changed ,it will not solve the unhappiness problem.  For instance, the pill is not going to alleviate marital conflict.   If someone is unhappy because of a weight issue  the happiness pill  would  not address this concern.  Likewise, a happiness pill is not going to take care of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction. Whoever in the family takes the happiness pill is most likely going to tolerate a situation that is detrimental to all in the family a bit longer.   Unless real change is introduced the underlying problem will not be alleviated.

What about using the natural mood enhancer that is the result of engaging in exercising.?  Or eating the kinds of foods that give one energy?  Or learning to change communication patterns that are negative and work on having a positive attitude about life?  All of those efforts take commitment and persistence in order to produce lasting change.

My worry about the happiness pill is that it becomes a cover-up for addressing life situations that can be changes.  It is easy to swallow a few pills daily.  It is harder to put time and effort into learning to truly take good care of self.  The effort is worth it because there will be the long term result of having created lasting happiness.

My answer is probably very similar to what most people would answer: yes/but.  The but is for not wanting to live so long that my mind and body no longer represent who I am.  Recently I went to a workshop on longevity.  It was interesting to learn what a difference a healthy lifestyle has on aging well. In order to live to a hundred we all would like to be healthy and of sound mind. There is a lot we can learn from the lifestyles of the healthy centenarians.

In my last column I talked about the value of making positive changes in ones life on a consistent basis  instead of being propelled into making changes because of a crisis.At the conference I learned about the way the Costa Ricans live that leads to a long and healthy life.

The average Costa Rican man at age 60 years has twice the chance to reach age 90 years as a man in France, Japan or the U.S.  Here are some of their life style practices: having a strong sense of purpose, contributing to the community, keeping a focus on the family, consuming fewer calories mostly from a vegetarian diet, working physically hard and maintaining social networks with lots of laughter and talking.

There are  life style practices of the Costa Ricans that we would do well to emulate. I am especially thinking of their strong focus on family and how they enjoy their social connections.

I read a blurb today put out by the European Union (consisting of 27 nations) stating that the number of children born out of wedlock has doubled in the last twenty years.  The country with the highest out of wedlock birth rate, 59%, is Estonia. Since I am originally from Estonia I was very interested in this statistic.

It was in the summer of 2009 that I last visited Estonia.  There I met parents in their twenties and early thirties that definitely fit this trend.  They saw little need to get married.  Yet both parents were living with their children and devoted to raising them together.

I would be very interested in knowing how many of these out of wedlock children were being raised in a two parent family. One of my cousin’s children shared that he and the mother of his two children were thinking of getting married.  It was not because they felt they needed to for their children but rather that they wanted to make that commitment to each other.

A few years ago I knew a couple from Germany who  came to the States  for 2 or 3 years. They had gotten married when they came to the US in order to be able to be on the same health plan and they feared that their children would be stigmatized if their parents were not married.  They saw no need to marry in Germany because there was no stigma to not being married.  What mattered to them was their commitment to each other and to their two sons.

When my husband and I got married we cherished having our family and friends present as we made our public commitment of love to each other.  I would like couples to have the freedom to make the decision to get married or not based on what they think is right for them.

I love quotes because they succinctly capture  truisms.   Here is one by Rosalyn Carter that I like “If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’s accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.  In those few words she sums up that the essence of self-worth is having confidence in ones abilities and then taking  action to develop these abilities.

Although I had heard a lot about the movie Precious I finally saw it last night.  I found it a hard movie to watch.  Precious had grown up  in an environment of poverty and horrific physical and emotional abuse.  It wasn’t until she became a student at an alternative school that she began to see that life could be different.  She had in the past escaped to fantasizing a different life for herself but this time something changed for her.  She began to feel that she herself had the ability, in spite of everything that was against her, to take control of her life.  Although the movie ends on a  positive note it is evident that the road ahead for Precious and her two children will be difficult.

Over time Precious gained self -confidence  to envision a different life for herself. Gradually she began  to build a strong personal foundation, developed   the strength to take action, and the confidence to forge her own life.

In addition to writing here I have another blog where I give tips and tools for rekindling relationships. Yet together these two make a whole.  What determines the strengths of relationships are the two individuals.  By building a strong personal foundation we become better partners.  The most important factor in  loving relationships  is the feeling of worth each person has for self. This affects how each treats the other, the demands they make of each other, and how they care for self.

Love is a feeling that can grow or fade.  Couples generally are drawn together by sexual attraction.  That does not guarantee friendship or compatibility.  In order for love to grow it has to be nourished.  Think about planting a seed.  In order to germinate and grow it needs water, light, and nourishing soil.  It is the same with love in relationships, it needs nurturing every single day. Many  couples leave love to chance and at some point realize that the relationship needs rekindling. I invite you to visit http://budurl.com/rekindle to see what I am writing about relationships.

Likewise, it is the same for us as individuals.  Unless we take good care of ourselves we stop bringing forth our greatness. Did you know that as you strengthen your personal foundation your expectations of yourself and your relationship will  be enhanced.   You will grow into the person you are capable of being.

This morning I stopped by at a Storage facility to get information about  renting a locker.  My husband is executor of his aunt’s will and will need to store some of her antique furniture temporarily.  Jack told me what I needed to know and then went on to tell me about himself. What struck me was how content Jack was with his life.  I commented on that and he went on to tell me why that was.

Jack was now in his mid sixties and had been in his second marriage for a dozen years. He said  that was the best decision he had made because together they were able to have a relationship where they felt truly equal.  For him that had not been the case in his earlier marriage.  There had invariably been pressures and struggles.  The difference now was that it did not matter who earned more money nor did they get stuck in  power struggles  instead the basis of their relationship was that they valued each other for who they were.  He felt she accepted him for who he was and he her likewise.

I asked Jack if he saw himself as having made changes in the intervening years.   He said he had a bit of growing up to do over the years.  He was thankful he met his wife when he did because he was ready to be in a relationship where give and take was comfortable and easy.  I was amazed how openly he talked with me.  Fortunately there were no other customers there to interrupt our conversation.

I did not ask Jack if he had had help with his self growth.  That did not matter.  What interested me was that he was validating the importance of having strengthened his personal foundation in order to be able to be in a relationship based on love and mutual acceptance.

When we raise our standards our quality of life improves.  Often times we are not even aware as to how much energy goes into putting up with stuff that can easily be handled..  For instance  it can be small things like fixing items in the house or something a bit bigger like being unhappy where one is living.

I can speak to both.  Once I started paying attention to things that irritated or bothered me I was shocked how tolerant I had become.  For several years I had put up with a carpet in our hallway that kept slipping and sliding.  I would say we have got to fix it but neither my husband nor I took responsibility for it.  It took very little time to buy a non slip base that kept the rug from slipping.  Deciding to upgrade my life became the impetus for seeing many other areas of my life that that needed attention.  A big one for me was that I was not happy where we were living.  Once I admitted to myself that I did not have to keep being unhappy about where we lived I had to figure out where would I be happy.

We can upgrade our live regardless of how old we are.  Our needs and desires change over time and what suited us fine at one time may no longer be right for us.  If we listen to our inner voice we will know when we need to upgrade.  Sadly to many people   ignore or dismiss  this internal push. It takes courage to trust what  is right for us.  It has to be  followed by  taking action to  raise our  standards and strengthen our personal foundation.

A strong personal foundation makes it easier to enjoy life.  Ask yourself are you living your life or are you drudging through life?  I just got back from a half hour walk under hot humid conditions which has left me dripping and feeling like I am drudging.  Yet I also feel good about the fact that I did it.  A big part of strengthening ourselves is to do things that we may not feel like doing in order to achieve a bigger goal.  In this case for me it is having a healthy body.

Here are two tips which will help you enjoy your life.

1. Let go of things that do not matter.We can spend a lot of energy being irritated and annoyed by things that really do not matter much.   A good question to ask is:  do I really want to spend my energy this way and will it still matter tomorrow or in a month.
2. Be an optimist. The saying is that optimists look at a glass as half full while pessimists look at it as half empty.  The choice is yours.  If you are in the habit at looking  at a glass as half empty  I urge you to do an experiment.  For seven days try catching yourself when you have the automatic negative reaction and change it to a half full view.  You may be surprised at the result.

All people want to be happy and to have their life have meaning. You take leadership of your life as you strengthen your personal foundation.

In order to strengthen our personal foundation we have to be open to challenging ourselves.  I love to kayak and yesterday I paddled further than I ever had.  It was a beautiful peaceful  Memorial Day morning. What I realized was that so many times before I had said to myself: that is far enough, maybe I will get tired, time to turn around.  The limits I set where based on my own assessment of my capabilities.  It felt good  to go as far as I wanted and  to trust myself to have the energy to make it safely back.

Today I am beginning a 30 day blog challenge with Jeannette Cates.  For the next thirty days I will be writing a daily blog.  I have done two previous challenges with my mentor Connie Green.  The last challenge  ended mid May. You can visit http://www.rekindleyourrelationships.com/relationships and read what I wrote about rekindling relationships. What I learned about myself was that little things can keep me frustrated and stuck. Since I was about to go out of town  I could not figure out how to pre-schedule blog posts  and published 6 articles all in one day.  What was great about the challenge was that it forced me to become clear in my thinking and writing and to discipline myself.

If we want to feel great about ourselves and our relationships  we need a solid foundation.  Over the next 30 days I will be sharing ideas and tools for building a strong personal foundation.