Build a Strong Personal Foundation » grow

Growing From a Challenge

admin — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:40:19 +0000

I have been participating in the 30 day blog challenge hosted by Dr. Jeanette Cates. Today is the last day and I am writing number thirty-one. This is what the experience has been like for me.

Although the challenge was external I had to make the decision to participate and stick to achieving my goal. I found that as the days went on it became easier to think of what to write. The venture became a daily routine. The task of writing helped me clarify my thoughts and to define my niche. I am passionate about helping people build a strong personal foundation and satisfying relationships. In order to achieve that they will have to challenge themselves to be open to changing limiting beliefs and be willing to take action to achieve what they want for themselves.

Personal growth is all about change and expecting more of oneself. The blog challenge tapped into one of my struggles which is consistency. Thirty days is a good length of time to establish a new pattern. The people that I coach want challenge and support as they take action to take their life to a new level. I frequently tell them it takes 21 days to change a habit. It works if the change becomes part of their routine.

The blog challenge provided the consistency of thirty days to change my habit of inconsistent blogging. I may not continue to blog daily but my goal is to write an article every day.

Making a Commitment

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 22:33:46 +0000

I have just been listening to Tiger Woods who gave a press conference. This time he really seemed to understand the emotional ramifications of his behavior both for himself and for his marriage. His infidelity was a betrayal of their marital commitment. Only time will tell if his wife and he can repair their marriage.

A few days ago I read an article in The Washington Post about a couple who have been married twenty-five years. They talk about the ups and downs including her cancer. They think that their marriage thrived because of their firm commitment to their wedding vows. Over the years they learned to trust that what ever came their way they would get through it together. He would be there for her and she would be there for him. They see themselves still evolving as individuals and feel that the best years of their marriage are still ahead of them.

Being married 43 years I can only concur with the couple above that it takes a commitment to each other to get through the challenges that life brings. The idea that we were in this together was for me a beacon to hold up in front of me. It meant not only thinking of my own needs and desires but also what was best for US.

From listening to Tiger it looks like he is growing emotionally as an individual. If his relationship with his wife survives will depend very much on each ones willingness and desire to rekindle trust and love in their marriage.

Communication and Self-Esteem

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 18:51:27 +0000

Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine. It doesn’t quite work that way. The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.

How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it. Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner. That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.

The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.

Making Changes

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 22:51:18 +0000

At least once a week I get an email promising fantastic changes in my life. All I would have to do is sign up with the sender’s program. Promises of financial success, no fail business ventures, finding the right partner, true happiness and so on, all by taking a brief course or program. Who wouldn’t want that?

However reality is that most of us have to work diligently at the changes we want to have happen in our life.

Change takes persistence, commitment and time. Maintaining good health involves regular exercise and good eating habits. Being a loving partner is a life long undertaking. It can not be achieved from a weekend program or a course regardless of what has been promised. True love comes by working on the relationship every day.

To be a parent in a fair and caring takes a daily commitment. Likewise, to be effective at work requires additional learning and trusting ones abilities. Most of all life requires us to keep growing and changing when necessary.

Making changes takes a serious commitment to be the best person one can be. And that in itself is a life long evolving journey.

Solutions Not Problems

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:05:45 +0000

If you think you have a problem what you really want is to find a solution. I have found over the years of working with people that in many situation a problem solving approach does not work so well. Looking for solutions achieves good results.

Here is a good example. The other day I coached Judy who had taken the huge step of leaving her secure job to go into business for herself. Now that the initial excitement had worn off and the hard work of marketing and creating a product was in front of her Judy was feeling discouraged. I explained to her that people who are embarking on making changes find that their feelings oscillate until things evolve to a new equilibrium. Instead we focused on finding solutions so she could get unstuck.

I reminded her that she knew best what the next steps needed to be. As she explored her options she came up with a clear plan on what to do next. My task was to ask questions that would lead her towards finding solutions.

Change occurs when we do something differently or look at things differently. Judy shifted her thinking to looking for solutions and as she did that she felt empowered and came up with clear steps as to what she wanted to do next.

Why Self-Growth and Relationship Skills?

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 18:34:01 +0000

I have been asked as to why on this site I stress both self-growth and relationship skills. Why not just focus on one or the other. In my mind they are linked.

I think that it is through self-growth that positive changes occur in marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person. This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.

Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage. They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other. They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK. As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns. Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.

Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.

Rekindle Your Relationship

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:40:49 +0000

There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around. Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship. You may well ask ” how do they do it?”

After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.

1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.

2. Each is willing to confront how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles

3. They are open to learning new relationship and communication skills.

Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself. Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.

We live in a quick fix culture. Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other. There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with. What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires. When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.

Control in Relationships

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 01:45:41 +0000

Control in relationships gets complicated. There are several ways that control affects relationships. In healthy relationships it is important for each person to be in control of self. That means that each takes responsibility for his/her own feelings and thinking. This kind of control increases self-worth and enhances the well being of the relationship.

Another way that control is referred to in relationships is when someone says “he/she is controlling me.” That happens when one person insists in having things his/her way. It makes it impossible for the other person to be accepted for who he/she is. The “controlling person’s” reality takes precedence. This kind of control is destructive to relationships.

There are also substances that take control of people. Alcohol, prescription drugs, etc. can all develop control over a person’s ability to function freely which greatly impacts relationships.

The more effort people put into growing in being in control of themselves the less they are willing to put up with relationships that limit self-growth. Instead, they look for and create relationships that are based on respect, friendship, and love.

Upgrade Your Relationships

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 15:23:42 +0000

Whenever I use the term UPGRADE YOUR RELATIONSHIP I get interesting reactions. Some people do not seem to have much of an idea as to what I am talking about. Others will say that is just what they want for themselves.

We all interact with people on a daily basis either live, on the phone, or in our on line social networks. Ask yourself which of these relationships enhance your life and which demand time and drain your energy. The ones that enhance your life are the ones that do not need to be upgraded. Or you may choose to upgrade them to make them even better.

By upgrading your relationships I mean having people in your life who positively add to your life and whom you enjoy. If you have people in your life who pull you down you may have to ask yourself if the relationships can be upgraded. You may even decide in some cases that these negative relationships are not worth keeping. The key is to upgrade so your relationships add to your life and eliminate the energy drainers who sap your vibrancy.

Rekindle Your Relationship

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:32:01 +0000

First I want to tell you about the Q&A show I did with Bruce L. Bair on Nov. 18, 2009. He is a superb wellness coach with a strong medical background. Since I am a relationship expert Bruce asked great questions about the impact of menopause on relationships. It turned out that we both shared an interest in how to help women successfully deal with the change of life. I talked about how to manage menopause from the emotional perspective with concrete suggestions for couples on how to successfully get through this turbulent time. You can listen to the MP3 here: kristina-mp3

Next I will share some thoughts on rekindling relationships. I have been coaching a couple who had been struggling with communication issues most of their marriage. Each was feeling misunderstood by the other and although they wished to stay together they had little hope that things could change between them.

They were masters at blaming each other for being the problem maker. As they learned to take responsibility for their own feelings, behavior, and actions they were able to start working on the communication struggles between them. The missing piece for them was that they had little understanding as to how to take each others feelings and thinking into consideration. Their individual hurt and frustration would be expressed by one as anger and the other by tears or removing self from the charged confrontation.

It is understandable that they both felt very much alone. They are learning to think as to how what they say or do individually impacts on their couple relationship. They are growing together and thinking WE in addition to I. By doing that they are becoming a working team where each cares about growing and protecting the welfare of the relationship.