Most of the time it is a crisis that [...]]]>

I have been  interested as to when,how, and why people change for a long time.  No doubt my decision to become a therapist and life coach had to do with this curiosity; however, I also saw myself as playing a part  in the change process.

Most of the time it is a crisis that propels people to seek help. Once the old equilibrium is reestablished then the need for change is no longer pressing.  Yet, I found quite a number of people  wanted to continue making changes. They became aware  that their lives  had been curtailed either emotionally or through a limiting belief system.  For those people the desire for change  became internally driven. I would teach people  how to  develop a growth mindset and it was up to them to figure out what they wanted for themselves.   As a result  change became something to be explored by applying curiosity and effort.

I am convinced that when people develop a growth mindset they begin to see new possibilities for themselves which propel them grow which inevitably involves making changes.  As result the reason to make changes  is no longer propelled by a crisis but rather by the belief that growth and change is possible throughout life.

For instance, any [...]]]>

Self growth is the foundation for upgrading who one is. The reason is that when we focus on our own growth we accept the fact that the only person we have control over is ourselves.  We use our energy for our own growth and want relationships that are good for us.

For instance, any one who has grown up or lives with a substance abuser be it alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs knows how fruitless it is to get the abuser to change.  That is because the abuser’s relationship is with the substance and no longer with the people in his/her life.  When you upgrade yourself you stop monitoring or fixing the other person.  Instead you take responsible action in the areas that you  do have control.  As you upgrade your own life it will become clearer to you as to what your options are in regards to the substance abuser.

When you upgrade you no longer are willing to limit yourself by staying in situations that zap your energy.  When I coach people to expand their experience of who they are they begin to attract new people into their lives or they expect their current relationships to become healthier.Upgrading comes from taking action to be the kind of person one is capable of being.

Limiting beliefs [...]]]>

Have you noticed how easy it is to hold ourselves back by our limiting beliefs?  Usually we are not even aware that we are limiting ourselves because at the time our thinking  seems to make a lot of sense.  It is in retrospect that we might say “why didn’t I do that?”

Limiting beliefs are powerful because they seem so real.  For instance, how often have you heard the following:  I am too old to start a new business,  it is too late, I should have done this ten years ago,  this is just how I am, I don’t have time to exercise, I  can’t go on this trip now I will do it later and then later does not come.  I think it is a combination of not enough discipline and fear of change that keeps many of us stuck with our limiting beliefs.

I really like the following quote by the poet ee cummings  “It takes courage to grow into who you really are”.   To grow and make changes means moving beyond one’s comfort zone.  I have a friend who was widowed at a young age.  After a period of mourning she decided she wanted to meet someone with whom she could share her life  again. .  She gave herself an assignment to go to different events at least once a week to places where she had an opportunity to meet men.  This was a hard task because she also had a young child for whom she needed a weekly babysitter. Her limiting belief was “who would want to meet a widow with a child.”  Instead of staying with that thought  she disciplined herself and stuck to her weekly schedule.  Six months later she met a wonderful man who became her life partner.  She has frequently said how happy she is that she had the determination to hold on to her goal and then push through her  limiting beliefs  and take action to go after what she wanted.

I see limiting beliefs as holding us back from continued self growth.  By challenging our beliefs and disciplining ourselves we put ourselves on the path of  discovering who we really are.

I can still remember a woman I knew several years ago.  She was in midlife [...]]]>

Probably the single biggest factor for not taking action is fear.  Fear can show up in many variations. It could be fear of being judged, fear of success, fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone etc.

I can still remember a woman I knew several years ago.  She was in midlife and very ready to make changes.  She was so excited when she found a specific program at the community college which would give her the certification she needed  to pursue employment in a field that excited her.  Her husband initially was supportive;  however, as she got further into the program he began to undermine her.  Sadly her deep fear of being alone and her fear that the marriage might  not withstand this disagreement prompted her to drop her studies. She sacrificed her happiness out of fear.  She was not willing to risk challenging their relationship balance in order to create a healthier relationship.

When we run from our fears we stop evolving to be the people we are capable of being.  The result for the woman I talked about was that she lost the vibrancy that going back to school provided.  It seemed  to me that her husband handled his fear that  his wife was becoming more independent by making sure that things stayed in the familiar comfort zone.

The [...]]]>

We interact in many different kinds of relationships.  There are our family members, co-workers, friends, our neighbors, the mailman, colleagues, and many others.  Some of these relationships are superficial while others greatly impact our lives.  Ask yourself which of those enhance your life and which limit you or are not good for you.

The ones that enhance your life do not need to be upgraded.  You may want to make them even more rewarding. If you have people in your life who pull you down you may have to rethink as to why you allow people into your life that affect you negatively.  Relationships that sap your vibrancy need to be upgraded or let go.

We have two different kind of relationships: our family relationships and then the ones we choose.  Family relationships are often hard to walk away from.  Yet there, if we keep in mind that we can not change the other person, we do have control over ourselves.  For instance anyone who is living with an alcoholic or a drug addict will have to face the sad fact that he/she has no control over the substance abuser because the abusers primary relationship is with the substance.  The person you can upgrade is yourself.  When you upgrade you will no longer try to monitor or fix the other instead you will start putting your energy into taking action in areas that are in your control.

A benefit of building a strong personal foundation is that we start upgrading our lives.  As we take responsibility for upgrading ourselves we no longer are willing to put up with relationships that keep pulling us down.   In addition to our biological community we can also choose our relationships.  A  real benefit of these chosen communities is being able to form relationships that bring out the best in us. When we do that we continue to upgrade who we are.   Often family communities can be upgraded, on rare occasions they are so toxic that they need to be let go.

The fact that we can have both a biological and a chosen community  enriches  our lives.  By taking responsibility to upgrade who we are our change affects how we relate in our relationships.  We start expecting more of ourselves and  stop allowing others to manipulate or devalue us because we have learned to love ourselves.

Carol had been feeling increasingly frustrated  that she could not find any time for herself.  It seemed that she was constantly responding to requests and demands.  [...]]]>

How are you using your energy?  It is so easy for us to be going through the day without having any conscious awareness of where our energy goes.

Carol had been feeling increasingly frustrated  that she could not find any time for herself.  It seemed that she was constantly responding to requests and demands.  I suggested that she had to block in time for herself.  She chose two hours on Tuesday afternoon.  When Tuesday came she had to really hold herself to this time. Her husband asked her that morning if she wanted to go to an appointment with him.  Normally she would have automatically said yes. This time she said no because it meant she would not be back in time for her appointment with herself. What she realized about herself was that she tended to put her needs last and that she readily agreed to other people’s requests. It was like she was on automatic pilot without really being aware that she had choices in how she responded.

Carol became aware that she needed to change her process.  Since she was little she had been taught that it was selfish to want time for self.  She now realized that as an adult it was up to her to decide how to allocate her time.  The result was that the new self awareness freed Carol to listen to her voice and decide what she wanted to do.

We all have habits that we do automatically.  It is when we stop the automatic process that we can consciously decide if it makes sense to continue in the same way or make changes that reflect better what we want for ourselves.

Right now I am coaching a woman who finds herself in such a  transition point in [...]]]>

One of the certainties of growing as a person is that  temporarily there is  a period of uncertainty.  How we handle this “uncertainty” has a lot to do with taking our life forward or staying where we are.

Right now I am coaching a woman who finds herself in such a  transition point in her life.  She knows she has outgrown her job and  that it is time to take her career to the next level. Although she has seen herself as capable she has lately felt uncertainty about her capabilities.   There is a huge struggle going on inside her.  On one level she  feels  she has lost her self confidence yet at the same time she knows she is ready to move out of her familiar comfort zone.

This inner push-pull is what we all go through when we are confronted with making changes.  It does not just happen  with making a career change  but also with getting married, buying a house, having children, retiring, etc.  We have to accept that this push-pull is necessary so that we can push ourselves out of the familiar comfort zone.  Thus the back and forth is our way of dealing with the uncertainty of the new and getting ourselves ready for the next phase of life. It is a normal part of transitioning from who we were to who we see ourselves becoming.

It is by  expecting  more of ourselves that we grow.  We expand who we are when we are willing to risk uncertainty for certainty.  When we leave our comfort we have to trust that in time that becomes our  new comfort zone.