Last time I wrote about the new Happiness Pill which  is being sold as the answer for our longing to feel good.  Since then I have seen ads for pills with similar claims marketed under a variety of  names.  Of course anti depressants make similar promises. It is no wonder that the percentage of people taking them keeps increasing.

I recently read that Dr. Andrew Weil referred to depression as “the common cold of modern emotional life”. Because of the prevalence of depression I thought this was very apt description.  He was not referring to the people who have depression brought on by the imbalance of brain chemicals which can be very debilitating.  Instead he was talking about what is commonly referred to as  low level depression.  What we know is that  this kind of depression frequently begins to lift as the result of  making changes in thinking and life style habits.

I refer to myself as a self-mastery and relationship coach. I believe  that relationship change starts with the individual.  Recently I coached a woman who was unhappy and putting most of the blame on her husband.  She was stuck in “if only” thinking which kept her in the past.  In order to take control of her life she had to start living in the present.  Change can only happen in the present. She could see that she had neglected herself by becoming overweight, not caring enough about her appearance, and admitting that she was bored.  As she worked at becoming mindful -paying full attention to the present moment- she started to take action to take better care of herself.  As her depression began to lift she was in a much better position to address her relationship concerns.  As she felt better she was amazed to discover that things that she had thought were big problems could be dealt with successfully.

To feel contentment takes a willingness to address the things that bother us and concrete action to make the necessary changes in order to create the life we want.

When someone comes to me with relationship issues the question invariably comes up:  how can our relationship get better if he/she refuses to come?  The answer I give is:   you will have to do the couple’s work yourself and I will teach you how to do it.  This immediately elicits varied responses depending on the life situation of the person I am talking to. I go on to explain that I have no control over the outcome of his/her relationship since that is for them to figure out.  I can,  however,  help with self-growth and as that gets stronger the confidence to bring up and work for solutions with the absent partner will increase.

I work from the premise that all people deserve the right to  full expression of who they are.  Relationships  encourage this full expression or hinder it.  I teach people to think of relationships as having a life of their own. To think in terms of there being three separate parts: I, you, and we. All three are engaged in the independence/dependence dance.   The balance in the relationship works the way it does because both people do their part.  By increasing self-growth skills of one person  the balance in the relationship changes.  The result is  that either  the relationship becomes enhanced or it becomes clear that it will not grow.

This fall I will be teaching a teleclass on Self-growth and Relationships. I am still looking for a catchy name.  Check back here for dates and times.

Recently I came across this quote by Louis Hay that I really love because it captures the essence of self empowerment.  ” When you make it OK to be yourself then you automatically allow others to be themselves.  Their little habits no longer bother you so much.  You release the need to “change them” as you want them to be. As you stop judging others, they release the need to judge you.  Everybody gets to be free.”

The goal of self empowerment work is to be happy and content with the kind of person you are.  It means accepting yourself just the way you are.  When you stop judging yourself you free yourself up to make some of the changes you would like to make.  You are no longer saying to yourself  “I will be OK after I do this or that”. Instead by accepting yourself as being OK you can put your energy into doing the things you would like to change.  For instance if you want to be healthier you may start an exercise program and eat more nutritious food.  You are doing this because you want to increase the quality of your health and well being.  You are no longer judging your merit rather you are making changes because you choose to do them.

Letting go of judging self and others is freeing and allows you to be the kind of person you are meant to be.

Today I was interviewed by Connie Ragen Green who is teaching me all about how to create a successful internet business.  The focus was on my business which is teaching people how to upgrade their lives and enhance their relationships.   I do this by teaching healthy self growth and relationship skills which increase happiness, the ability to deal with whatever life brings, and relationship satisfaction.

What I enjoyed was how freely Connie tied in examples from her life to illustrate the points I was making.  Anyone who listens to this interview will get a good idea as to what it means to increase your emotional fitness.  We talked about options  one has when one is in a personal or work situation which squelches people.  We got into a lengthy sequence on what to do when ones feelings are hurt.  I shared  specific tools that will help people  get back in control and figure out what action to take.

You can listen to this interview here.

I would love to hear your comments and suggestions about our interview.

One of the most influential teachers I ever had was Virginia Satir.  She was a pioneer in family therapy. I believe, her greatest contribution was her stead fast belief that “our path to our higher selves is through the development of high self-worth and that all people can learn to behave in accordance with their higher natures.”

She was  optimistic about human potential. She believed that if one  grew up in a home where  parents could not teach  self worth one could learn new coping and communication skills later in life that would be empowering.  Much of  my work is exactly that – guiding people to bring forth their human potential.  I do this by teaching self-growth and relationship skills for enhancing self mastery and strengthening relationships.  Additionally, I provide coaching over the telephone and therapy in my office in Annapolis.

I just came across the following quote by David Whyte, poet and philosopher: “You feed your longing and desires and they do the work. My whole life has been following my intuitions and strange beckonings.”  A few months ago I attended a half day workshop with David Whyte.  He is truly gifted in his  poetry and in his eloquent delivery in addition to being a keen observer of people and a teacher of ideas.

When I think about the part intuition has played in my life I know that when I have followed it I have done well to have headed it.  Intuition provides that sixth sense we get about certain situations and events or directions to take.  We need to trust our intuition because it is there for a reason.  Intuition is the springboard for developing ideas and plans for action.  Albert Einstein said “The real valuable thing is intuition”.

Thought of the day:

Trust your intuition,  it will guide you well.