Build a Strong Personal Foundation » coping with stress

Communication Frustrations

Kristina — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:08:11 +0000

After an hour of exercising this morning I had coffee with two women at the gym. Each of them expressed frustration with their husbands. It all came down to communication difficulties. The husband of one got upset because she did not want to watch a TV special ( a show he knew she liked) with him. The real issue was that she had been at a neighbors baking cookies all evening and he was lonely. He was not able to say that directly instead he loudly insisted she watch the show. She was upset that he was yelling at her and snapped back that she was going to bed.

She added that she usually acquiesces or leaves the room. Neither is a satisfactory solution because this similar pattern keeps recurring. Such interchanges leave both of them frustrated. Here is a simple suggestion on what she could do differently next time. When he confronted her if she were to say ” I understand that I have not been around much and I have appreciated how tolerant you have been.” Hopefully he would have felt understood.. She could have decided to stay for a little while and also let him know that she would have to go to bed shortly since she was exhausted.

Arguments frequently result from not using words to really explain to the other person what is going on emotionally. Instead it may come out as blaming and criticizing. As soon as one person responds differently the communication system begins to change. I have a helpful 12 lesson series on skills for communicating with ease. You can find out more about it by going to http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com.

This is a good example of two people not being able to change a long standing pattern that leaves each feeling that the other one is unreasonable. Here are some ideas on how to change this frustrating interchange. When he husband showed his anger and frustration if she had been able to say to him “I can see that you are upset that I have not been around”. By validating what she could surmise he felt she could have agreed to sit with him for a little while and told him that she was tired and whe would make sure that they got to connect more the next day.

Happiness Pill

Kristina — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:54:35 +0000

Did you read the article about the new happiness pill which appeared in many papers? The article claimed that this pill could become the greatest growing mood product. It is touted to be the answer to millions of Americans who are struggling to stay happy. Just two pills a day will ease stress and anxiety and help you live a happier more active life.

As I read this I began to feel depressed.. How sad that so many people are looking for a pill to make them feel better. They were not talking about people who are clinically depressed rather this pill is for ordinary folk who would like to find an easy way to be happy.

I believe that the feeling of happiness is the result of taking charge of one’s own life. A pill will give temporary relief, but unless the underlying conditions are changed ,it will not solve the unhappiness problem. For instance, the pill is not going to alleviate marital conflict. If someone is unhappy because of a weight issue the happiness pill would not address this concern. Likewise, a happiness pill is not going to take care of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction. Whoever in the family takes the happiness pill is most likely going to tolerate a situation that is detrimental to all in the family a bit longer. Unless real change is introduced the underlying problem will not be alleviated.

What about using the natural mood enhancer that is the result of engaging in exercising.? Or eating the kinds of foods that give one energy? Or learning to change communication patterns that are negative and work on having a positive attitude about life? All of those efforts take commitment and persistence in order to produce lasting change.

My worry about the happiness pill is that it becomes a cover-up for addressing life situations that can be changes. It is easy to swallow a few pills daily. It is harder to put time and effort into learning to truly take good care of self. The effort is worth it because there will be the long term result of having created lasting happiness.

Veterans Day Thoughts

admin — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 16:13:23 +0000

Today is Veterans Day in the States. It is a day to remember our Veterans who have served honorably in war or peace time and also the troops who are currently fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.

I would like to encourage you to also think of the families of the currently deployed and those who have welcomed back their wounded soldiers. These parents, spouses, and children are coping either by helping their wounded soldier heal, worrying about their son, husband or wife or father being in harms way, or dealing with the loss of their loved one.

The stress and worry of having a loved one on the war front is immense. My son, a few years ago, had two four months deployments where he was assigned to the flights which brought back the severely wounded to Germany and the States for extensive medical care. Although he was not in active combat he was still in risky situations. For those months I lived with the constant fear that he would get injured or killed. I can only imagine what the stress must be like for the families who have a loved one now in combat and who have had to deal with multiple deployments.

On this day it is important to remember the wounded and their families. For many wounded their lives have been changed for ever. Their physical and psychological wounds are severe and the stress on families of being physical and emotional care givers is enormous.

I urge all of you to appreciate the sacrifice these men and women and their families have made. Please keep them and our courageous troops in Afghanistan and Iraq in your thoughts and prayers. Look for opportunities where you can support them with loving appreciation both by giving time and through financial contributions throughout the year.

Stop and Smell the Roses

admin — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 23:16:36 +0000

Most of us lead very busy lives. It is easy to forget that we need to also nourish our senses. We stop seeing what is right around us. When I go for a walk I have to consciously remind myself to stay in the present and pay attention. If I do not do that I will be in my own little world thinking about all kinds of things. What I am not seeing is the houses on my street, the kind of gardens people have, what the people look like that you pass, is there wind rustling, etc.

W e have to cultivate our senses. If we do not do that our lives become routine and lose their luster. We have to re-sensitize ourselves in order to live vibrantly.

Stress and commitments will do that to us. W are so focused on what we need to do that we stop paying attention to what is around us. We are not present in the present. I have found that taking Yoga classes has helped me stay present. I was surprised how difficult staying mindful has been for me. Repeatedly I would catch myself at being somewhere else than where I actually was.

Stop and smell the roses. By practicing paying mindful attention you will be more aware of yourself and others. By engaging all your senses your life will become more vibrant.

Reducing Holiday Stress

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:35:16 +0000

There is no denying holidays bring additional stress. On top of already busy lives the holidays put demands on people in terms of time, money, and the expectation that this be a happy time.

If you think about it, most of the stress, in a lot of homes, falls on women. They take on the responsibility of gift buying, cleaning, shopping, thinking of gifts, establishing rituals, and making sure that everybody is happy. So here are some coping skills for all the women who see themselves as the chief organizers of the holidays.

1. Think of the holidays in terms of WE. How will we prepare for our holidays. Let others help. Assign tasks to other family members. In our family one of our sons took charge of baking cookies. It started when I said one year that I didn’t see how I had time for baking and I would buy them. The kids all objected. His approach was to have a cookie marathon and do the baking all in one day. The ritual of home baked cookies could not be broken at our house.

2. Sort out your priorities. Are you doing some things that really are not necessary. Have realistic expectations. One of the things that happens when stressed is that everything seems important. Step back and think it through. There are no doubt things you have on your list that can be eliminated or simplified.

3. Don’t forget to take daily care of yourself: 2o minutes to unwind, doing something that relaxes you like yoga, walking, a bubble bath etc. all will help you get centered and unwind from the stress. Make sure you add this to your priority list. Remind yourself that you too want to enjoy the holidays.

How To Get Control Back

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:35:42 +0000

How can we take care of our emotional well being when there is so much to be worried about? There is the swine flu alarm, the economic slow down and the always present threat of terrorism just to mention three major external factors. Additionally, we all have to deal with what ever is going on in our personal lives. When there is so much stress it is easy to feel internally out of control.

How to regain control?

We have to remind ourselves that the only person we truly have control over is ourselves. When we are worried and pulled in all directions we tend to forget that and instead operate like we are on automatic pilot. We become reactors rather than actors.

Step #1 Ask yourself: right now what can I do that I know is in my control.

The answer will pull you back into the present and become an action step. It may be as simple as going for a walk, taking 10 minutes to read an article you have been meaning to read, emptying the dishwasher etc. Whatever it is you will have made the decision which is the first step of feeling in charge again.

Step#2 To become an actor rather than being a reactor takes conscious awareness to remind ourselves that we do have control of ourselves. It is by changing our inner attitudes that we change the outside aspects of our lives.

You Can’t Control the Economy, So What Can You Do?

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 19:09:09 +0000

When the economy is gyrating and mostly going down it creates fear and anxiety in our lives. Here are a few ideas that can be helpful in managing fear and anxiety:

You can reduce your anxiety by accepting that many things are indeed out of your control. Your task now is to look for doable solutions in your personal situation.
Remember that when people are stressed they are much more apt to revert to all or nothing thinking, imagine worst case scenarious, and fall into “if only I had” thinking. Catch yourself and if you find that you are doing that remind yourself that these are exaggerations.
Decide what you can do now that would be helpful and ease some of the anxiety.
For instance if you have decided to cut back on spending come up with a specific first step. Here is a simple example. For instance, you may decide to pack your lunch rather than buy your lunch at work. This is something that is immediately doable and will give you a sense of control. Then add other doable steps.
Keep in mind that when worry and stress are managed the mind is freed to look for solutions.

I recently published at Ezine Articles ”Stress Management — Coping Skills for Couples in Uncertain Times,” which some of you may find helpful. There is also an article on “Handling Stress — Helping Children Cope in Uncertain Times.”