A friend sent me a link to a YouTube video on The Power of Words. You will see how by just changing the written words the same message is dramatically changed.  I urge you to see it a

Today is Valentine’s Day.  My husband reminded me that 45 years ago we had our engagement party on this day.  For years Valentine’s Day brought back memories of that special day.  Today it was his reminder that brought the memory back.  I like to think that the reason I no longer think of that special Valentine’s Day is that there are so many special times that we have shared over all the years.  Not all of it has been easy.  We have had to work through frustrations and misunderstandings in order for both of us to be OK.  Like all couples we brought our fears and insecurities into the relationship and had to learn to accept each other as the imperfect beings we were.  We realized we had to mature  a bit in  how we communicated so that we could  grow as individuals and as a couple and as parents.

It takes practice to communicate clearly and in a way that is growth producing.  I certainly find that when I am upset and angry it is so much easier to go into the attack and blame mode.  I have had to learn to manage my emotions so that I stay in control of myself so that I can hear what my husband has to say and express clearly what it is that bothers me. It takes consistent practice to change habits of reacting.  Our relationship has deepened over the years because we have learned to appreciate our differences and found ways to grow together.

I believe that couples need to know about the process of relating as partners so that they can give and receive love.  Communication habits can be changed if there is a willingness to put effort into building a strong personal foundation and there is a commitment to shared love.

Did you know that we need change in life in order to feel vibrant?   We need it as individuals and also in our relationships. It is newness that revitalizes us and keeps us energized.  Relationships need periodic rekindling. Marriages  settle into predictable patterns of interacting.  This may work well for many years  but at some point one person will indicate that he/she wants some changes.  How the couple handles this need for change  is very important.

One of the ground rules of relationship success is that both people have to be OK. If one person is unhappy the relationship is no longer OK.  This  is a signal that they have to together start figuring out what it will take for both of them to be happy again.  Sometimes it may be that one person needs to make individual changes other times it may well be a sign that the couple has settled into a  pattern that is no longer working.

Carl and Mary fall into this latter category.  Their relationship looked like it worked  for both of them for many years.  They were busy with their careers and activities but had very little meaningful time with each other.  Then one day Carl in a frustrating outburst  expressed that he was unhappy with their relationship.

Carl’s outburst scared Mary since she had no idea he felt that way.  She had been so sure that as a couple they were fine. As she thought about it, she had to admit that they had grown apart.  Their life had fallen into a predictable pattern and  needed  an infusion of caring for each other and activities that they enjoyed.  They realized that their relationship needed rekindling so that they again could be happy together.

Being in a relationship makes it much harder to also stay in control of your own life.  That is because our relationships organize us. Let me tell you about Carol and how she changed in her marriage.  She is a college educated woman who decided to be a stay at home mom.  Over the years she  found it harder to make decisions and began to defer more and more  to her husband.  She lost confidence in her abilities and it seemed to her that her husband did not even notice the change.  At least he never talked about it.

The changes in their relationship  all happened gradually without either one addressing them.   In order to get control back over her life Carol needed to make changes.  She did not like the woman she had become.  As she would say:  that’s not how I want to see myself.

As Carol took more responsibility for being in control of her own happiness the balance of their relationship began to shift.  Change in one person invariably affects also the other person. Initially her husband was resistant to the changes Carol was making but then he began to see that it also freed  him up to be more in charge of himself.  When couples understand that healthy relationships give each person the freedom to be in charge of self then their relationship allows them to connect emotionally because they want to be with each other.

I have just come back from a fabulous  trip to Brazil visiting Iguazzu Falls, the Panatanal and Rio de Jainero.   While in Rio I had to seek medical care because I discovered that I had a tick embedded on my thigh no doubt brought along from the Safari excursion  in the Wetlands.   Since I do not speak Portugese finding medical care was not easy. I stopped at several medical offices where no one spoke English.  I was not even able to tell them what I needed. It is a very helpless feeling to not be able to communicate.   Finally I did find a dermatologist. I was so relieved  when this doctor spoke  English and was able to remove the tick.

What I also realized about myself was that I had not bothered to learn even the smallest amount of Portugese.  I assumed that  most people would know some English and that I would be able to get by just fine.  The tick episode showed me how arrogant my attitude was.  I wanted others to understand me without my asserting any effort to be understood.  This is a common situation when communication feels stuck in a relationship.  We keep hoping the other person will assert effort and change  and get put out when he/she does not.  It is when we are willing to look at our own part that communication begins to change.

Have you taken something another person said to you personally?  I am certain that everyone of us has experienced that at some time. I surely have done it.  It is a rather common struggle in relationships.  Our self-esteem gets hooked and we respond from our emotional vulnerability.  Here is a useful tip to remember: treat everything that comes to you from the outside as something you have to cope with and not as a way to define yourself.

Here is an example.  Your partner says something to you and  you internally feel criticized.  If you react from that feeling you are giving your spouse the power to define you.  However it you look at the statement as something to cope with you will respond differently.  You will make use of your thinking part and decide for yourself if what “hurt your feelings” applies to you or not. When you decide what is right for you you will feel empowered.

By strengthening our foundation we are growing our feelings of self worth.  The better we feel about ourselves the easier it becomes to communicate clearly with others.  When we do not get emotionally hooked it becomes much easier to resolve differences.

I read an interesting observation today stressing a big drawback of living together before marriage.  The reason given was  that  many people begin to live together before they have had a chance to experience what it is like to be independent. As a result they miss out on the growing up step of standing on their own two feet. It is no wonder than that the desire for independence vs. also the desire for togetherness becomes an issue in many marriages. It is a dilemma I have witnessed over and over.

My specialty is relationship building.  I believe that the  major task when working with couples  is to help each person take full responsibility for self. .  By that I mean  that they own what they feel and think and can objectively hear the other person.   When they can do that working on their couple issues becomes easy.  At that point each will have a clear sense of what he/she  wants for self and what each  wants their marriage/relationship to look like.  Then the relationship issues  become a balancing of the needs of each while simultaneously building a relationship that enhances each individual’s  life.