A few days ago when we had coffee at the gym after working out my exercise partner shared that she [...]]]>

Many struggles in relationships can be simply solved by introducing deliberate shifts into the  communication patterns. By viewing the struggle as being in the interaction the focus is shifted from the indivdual to what happens between the two people.

A few days ago when we had coffee at the gym after working out my exercise partner shared that she was angry at her husband because he always  had to have his way.  I asked her “how come you give him so much power?” Her explanation was that this is just how he is and there was nothing she could do about it.  I disagreed and said that she played an important part in allowing this balance.  She bristled and we dropped the subject.

This morning she told several of us that she had something to share.  Her Dad had been over and her husband and Dad got into an ugly political exchange that got out of hand.  As a result no one enjoyed the lovely dinner she had prepared. Afterwards she did two things.  She called her Dad and said that from now on when he came over political discussions were off limits.  Then she wrote a letter to her husband (making numerous revisions until it reflected just what she wanted to say stressing the qualities she admired and also addressing her concerns) and gave it  to him fearing all the while that he would erupt in anger.  Instead he read the letter and apologized calmly for his behavior.

She was so proud of herself for taking action instead of silently fuming as was her habit. This is a great example of how by viewing the problem as occuring in their interaction rather than in the individual ”this is how he is”. she was able to introduced  a simple shift in her response.  No longer did she feel so resigned and helpless but rather took delight in having trusted her heart to take appropriate action.

I can still remember a woman I knew several years ago.  She was in midlife [...]]]>

Probably the single biggest factor for not taking action is fear.  Fear can show up in many variations. It could be fear of being judged, fear of success, fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone etc.

I can still remember a woman I knew several years ago.  She was in midlife and very ready to make changes.  She was so excited when she found a specific program at the community college which would give her the certification she needed  to pursue employment in a field that excited her.  Her husband initially was supportive;  however, as she got further into the program he began to undermine her.  Sadly her deep fear of being alone and her fear that the marriage might  not withstand this disagreement prompted her to drop her studies. She sacrificed her happiness out of fear.  She was not willing to risk challenging their relationship balance in order to create a healthier relationship.

When we run from our fears we stop evolving to be the people we are capable of being.  The result for the woman I talked about was that she lost the vibrancy that going back to school provided.  It seemed  to me that her husband handled his fear that  his wife was becoming more independent by making sure that things stayed in the familiar comfort zone.

The [...]]]>

We interact in many different kinds of relationships.  There are our family members, co-workers, friends, our neighbors, the mailman, colleagues, and many others.  Some of these relationships are superficial while others greatly impact our lives.  Ask yourself which of those enhance your life and which limit you or are not good for you.

The ones that enhance your life do not need to be upgraded.  You may want to make them even more rewarding. If you have people in your life who pull you down you may have to rethink as to why you allow people into your life that affect you negatively.  Relationships that sap your vibrancy need to be upgraded or let go.

We have two different kind of relationships: our family relationships and then the ones we choose.  Family relationships are often hard to walk away from.  Yet there, if we keep in mind that we can not change the other person, we do have control over ourselves.  For instance anyone who is living with an alcoholic or a drug addict will have to face the sad fact that he/she has no control over the substance abuser because the abusers primary relationship is with the substance.  The person you can upgrade is yourself.  When you upgrade you will no longer try to monitor or fix the other instead you will start putting your energy into taking action in areas that are in your control.

A benefit of building a strong personal foundation is that we start upgrading our lives.  As we take responsibility for upgrading ourselves we no longer are willing to put up with relationships that keep pulling us down.   In addition to our biological community we can also choose our relationships.  A  real benefit of these chosen communities is being able to form relationships that bring out the best in us. When we do that we continue to upgrade who we are.   Often family communities can be upgraded, on rare occasions they are so toxic that they need to be let go.

The fact that we can have both a biological and a chosen community  enriches  our lives.  By taking responsibility to upgrade who we are our change affects how we relate in our relationships.  We start expecting more of ourselves and  stop allowing others to manipulate or devalue us because we have learned to love ourselves.

For instance, if you have a boss who micro manages it [...]]]>

Couple relationships are more than the two individuals.  That is because the relationship becomes a separate entity.  Consequently, changes that an individual makes will have an impact on the relationship balance. This is just as true in personal relationships as in work relationships.

For instance, if you have a boss who micro manages it will difficult to bring forth what you are capable of doing.  You will feel that you are constantly being monitored and having to justify what you are doing. If instead you have a boss who is a mentors by coaching you will instead discover your own strengths and abilities. In one situation you wither in the other you thrive.

The same is true in personal relationships.  If two people have a relationship of equality they will handle whatever comes up in a respectful fair way.  However, if the relationship is based on one person having more power than the other the relationship balance is tilted towards reinforcing the power.  In such a relationship one person will not be able to relate freely but rather end of squelching vital parts in order to keep the relationship in this equilibrium.

I help men and women strengthen their personal foundation so that they can create relationships which allow them the freedom to be who they are.

Right now I am coaching a woman who finds herself in such a  transition point in [...]]]>

One of the certainties of growing as a person is that  temporarily there is  a period of uncertainty.  How we handle this “uncertainty” has a lot to do with taking our life forward or staying where we are.

Right now I am coaching a woman who finds herself in such a  transition point in her life.  She knows she has outgrown her job and  that it is time to take her career to the next level. Although she has seen herself as capable she has lately felt uncertainty about her capabilities.   There is a huge struggle going on inside her.  On one level she  feels  she has lost her self confidence yet at the same time she knows she is ready to move out of her familiar comfort zone.

This inner push-pull is what we all go through when we are confronted with making changes.  It does not just happen  with making a career change  but also with getting married, buying a house, having children, retiring, etc.  We have to accept that this push-pull is necessary so that we can push ourselves out of the familiar comfort zone.  Thus the back and forth is our way of dealing with the uncertainty of the new and getting ourselves ready for the next phase of life. It is a normal part of transitioning from who we were to who we see ourselves becoming.

It is by  expecting  more of ourselves that we grow.  We expand who we are when we are willing to risk uncertainty for certainty.  When we leave our comfort we have to trust that in time that becomes our  new comfort zone.

Let me share an example.  Here is [...]]]>

Has this happened to you? You are  in a good mood and then your partner says something and “puff” your mood changes.  This is the relationship effect.  It can show up in many different ways but invariably is reflects abdication of control over oneself to someone else.

Let me share an example.  Here is the scene.  It is morning. Claudia is in the kitchen making breakfast.  She is in a good mood.  Mark enters the kitchen and growls “where is the paper”. He sits down, picks up the paper, and begins to eat.  He looks up and comments that his eggs are cold.  Claudia crumbles on the inside.  She says to herself I never do anything right, I can’t please him etc.   From that moment on she slips into a depressive funk. Mark gets up and warms up his eggs in the microwave.  She interprets his action as “he is mad at me”.

Mark and Claudia are caught in a pattern that is unhealthy for both of them.  Claudia had many choices in how she could have responded to Mark.  She acted as if there was only one choice.  Claudia personalized Mark’s comment about the eggs as if there was something wrong with her.  Since Mark didn’t say anything further she made her own interpretation that he was mad at her.  It would have helped if he would have said that he had a lot on his mind or that he was in a foul mood.  He didn’t say it and she did not comment on his behavior.  Instead Claudia took it all on that she was mot OK.

Couples can easily find themselves in a similar situation.  How they respond will make a big difference as to if this becomes a communication struggle or not.  For instance Claudia, if she had not personalized the situation, could have commented that Mark sure seemed to be having a tough morning.  His mood was not about her.  Yet she altered her mood to reflect his.

When you believe you are in control of yourself it becomes easier to see the other person objectively and to accept the other as separate with own struggles, moods, frustrations and joys and desires.