Build a Strong Personal Foundation » adapt to change

Communication Skill: Ask How Not Why

admin — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 21:49:19 +0000

A simple but effective communication skill is to remember to ask HOW questions instead of WHY questions. Ask a child “why did you do that”? The answer inevitably is “I don’t know”. Many a parent has been frustrated by such a response. The same thing of course also happens between adults. The reason is that why questions are much more likely put the other person on the defensive.

It is much more effective to ask “how” questions. How questions lead to information and understanding while “why” questions imply blame and produce defensiveness. When my children were growing up I had plenty of opportunity to practice this. My initial instinct was to ask “why did you do that?” The answer inevitably was “I don’t know”.

I had to practice so that I would remember to to ask the how question since I had been in the habit of automatically asking why. Learning to use how effectively has made a big difference in my responses. It made it possible to gather information which then allowed me to frame my responses based on the information gained. Both in personal and business situations asking how questions leads to clearer communication with the benefit of increased understanding.

Control in Relationships

admin — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 22:18:05 +0000

Being in a relationship makes it much harder to also stay in control of your own life. That is because our relationships organize us. Let me tell you about Carol and how she changed in her marriage. She is a college educated woman who decided to be a stay at home mom. Over the years she found it harder to make decisions and began to defer more and more to her husband. She lost confidence in her abilities and it seemed to her that her husband did not even notice the change. At least he never talked about it.

The changes in their relationship all happened gradually without either one addressing them. In order to get control back over her life Carol needed to make changes. She did not like the woman she had become. As she would say: that’s not how I want to see myself.

As Carol took more responsibility for being in control of her own happiness the balance of their relationship began to shift. Change in one person invariably affects also the other person. Initially her husband was resistant to the changes Carol was making but then he began to see that it also freed him up to be more in charge of himself. When couples understand that healthy relationships give each person the freedom to be in charge of self then their relationship allows them to connect emotionally because they want to be with each other.

New Year’s Resolutions

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 02:48:57 +0000

When I went to the gym on Saturday, January 2, it was great to see the place so full. I am sure that many of these new people had made a New Year’s resolution to get serious about exercising. Setting goals is important but the challenge is maintaining the resolution.

Several weeks ago I wrote about joining a 30 day challenge to blog daily. I joined it impulsively without really thinking it through if I could do it. Alas, I did not keep it up very long. The timing was not right for me. I did feel badly when I terminated this challenge. In contrast, I enjoyed doing a similar 30 day challenge last May and had not trouble completing it.

Yet I have managed to maintain a regular exercise schedule for a number of years now. I think the difference is that I have made a commitment to myself that I have to do it. My reason is that I want to be healthy and fit as I get older. I have changed my goal to be healthy and fit into a life habit. Now when I miss some days I am eager to get back to my routine. I do remember back that it took a while of trial and error til exercising became a regular part of my life.

This latest blogging challenge was not something I made a total commitment to. I think that unless we truly own our goals it is hard to maintain the discipline to change the goal into a habit. In terms of blogging my goal this year is to blog twice a week. Knowing my pattern, at first I will have to expect myself just to do it. I am eager to see how long it will take me to shift the expectation to blog twice a week into a regular writing habit.

Snowed-In

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 15:35:26 +0000

We are snowed-in. Twenty inches makes for a beautiful winter wonderland.

The snowfall made me aware of how important it is to be flexible. My weekend was planned with shopping, the grandkids coming to decorate the tree and spend the night, buying and mailing last minute presents and baking cookies. Everything, except for baking cookies, had to be put on hold.

Instead, I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the snow and the warmth of our house. We watched a movie, shoveled snow-an endless task- and relaxed. It made for a very pleasant day. I had to remind myself that whatever had to be done would get done just not as efficiently as I had it organized in my mind. In order not to be anxious about the undone tasks I literally have to tell myself to let it go.

I see flexibility as a conscious activity. We have a choice to make: keep fretting or decide to accept what we cannot change and make the best of it.

Self-Growth: What Kind Of Mindset Do You Have?

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:26:49 +0000

Do you have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? I have been fascinated for a long time as to how come some people remain active and involved throughout life and others end up limiting themselves. Recently I have been reading about the groundbreaking ideas on mindset put forth by Dr. Carol Dweck a psychologist at Stanford University. This is what she found upon studying success and achievement:

1. The fixed mindset people believe that their basic qualities like intelligence and talent are fixed traits. They do not develop their intelligence and talents believing that just having them will assure success.

2. The growth mindset people believe that their basic abilities can be developed through hard work. They view intelligence and talent as being the starting point. They are willing to dedicate time and effort to developing their intelligence and talents.

I happen to believe that someone with a fixed mindset can develop a growth mindset when he/she finds a compelling reason to do so. I have been in the people-growing field all of my professional life and have seen over and over how people have been able to take leadership of their own lives. They have shifted their fixed mindset to a growth mindset. The reason for this shift was that they were not happy with how their life was going. They used this unhappiness as a launchpad to embark on the journey of growth. I have known people with a growth mindset who discovered that they could evolve their lives even more. The compelling reason for these mindset shifts has been a deep desire to feel happy, have meaningful relationships, and to make the most of ones abilities and talents.

More on Process

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:12:09 +0000

In my last post I talked about the usefulness of learning to think process. I defined process as looking objectively at what goes on between people. By learning to think process there is a new richer understanding of the relationship dynamic.

Mary and John appeared to have a good relationship. Both were successful people professionally and their friends were truly shocked when they separated. By looking at the process between them it was apparent that their emotional connection was with work and not with each other. Gradually their relationship had morphed into being really good roommates with little intimacy. The break-up occurred when Mary made an emotional connection with a co-worker and was willing to risk getting out of the marriage because of the emotional loneliness.

An alternative for Mary and John would have been to address their intimacy gap and to take action to close it. They could have done that if they had acknowledged that they missed the emotional intimacy which they had shared earlier in their marriage. By understanding their process and taking emotional risks to be authentic with each other and/or availing themselves of professional help couples have successfully rekindled their relationship.

Thoughts on Charles Darwin Day

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:01:37 +0000

February 12, 2009 is the 200th birthday of the evolutionary biologist Charles Darwin. I have been musing about the following quote by him “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, it is the one that is most adaptable to change.”

The ability to change as the situation changes is also vital in our daily lives. When life brings us new challenges we tap into our coping resources to deal with the situation. A great example is the way the crew, passengers, and rescuers coped with the challenges of “the Miracle on the Hudson.” These people adapted in this unprecedented crisis. Staying focused on the task at hand ended up with all 155 people surviving a potentially catastrophic situation. The ability to keep their fears in check made it possible for all to think and act in a way that all the passengers and crew of US Air Flight 1549 were saved.

The current financial stressors are putting great coping demands on many people’s emotional and financial resources. There will be people who will discover that they have resources within them to adapt to their changing circumstances just like there will be others who will have trouble coping. The difference will be the internal ability to acknowledge the scared feelings while at the same time being able to keep them balanced with the ability to think and look for solutions. People can learn to strengthen their coping skills. By continuing to grow emotionally the ability to cope expands.

The Charles Darwin quote is a good reminder that we don’t have to be the strongest, or the most intelligent, to be successful at adapting to change. Our ability to adapt comes from our sense of self, our caring for others, and our emotional coping skills to deal with the inevitability of change.