When someone comes to me with relationship issues the question invariably comes up: how can our relationship get better if he/she refuses to come? The answer I give is: you will have to do the couple’s work yourself and I will teach you how to do it. This immediately elicits varied responses depending on the life situation of the person I am talking to. I go on to explain that I have no control over the outcome of his/her relationship since that is for them to figure out. I can, however, help with self-growth and as that gets stronger the confidence to bring up and work for solutions with the absent partner will increase.
I work from the premise that all people deserve the right to full expression of who they are. Relationships encourage this full expression or hinder it. I teach people to think of relationships as having a life of their own. To think in terms of there being three separate parts: I, you, and we. All three are engaged in the independence/dependence dance. The balance in the relationship works the way it does because both people do their part. By increasing self-growth skills of one person the balance in the relationship changes. The result is that either the relationship becomes enhanced or it becomes clear that it will not grow.
This fall I will be teaching a teleclass on Self-growth and Relationships. I am still looking for a catchy name. Check back here for dates and times.
I agree. Relationships are a wonderful source of growth.
[...] Kristina VR does not let you off the hook in your relationship troubles. When a partner does not come in for counseling, she tells the one who is there “If you want to make the world a better place, look in the mirror and make the change”. Not exactly, those lyrics are from a 90’s Michael Jackson song but they create the idea she advises in this blog post. [...]
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