Rekindling relationships takes effort and has to be deliberate. Unless there is a conscious decision to do things differently there will be no change. I have seen couples start enthusiastically only to have the initial change stop because they have reverted to the old familiar way of doing things. Even though they both knew the “old way” was not meeting their needs.
Why is that? One of the main reasons is that relationships invariably take on a life of their own. Couples adjust to each other in ways that become familiar. The balance they have created may not be healthy for them but it is a balance that is hard to alter unless it is deliberately done.
Rekindling is a two way process. Each person has to figure out what he/she needs individually in order to be happy and what changes they need to make as a couple so that they can be happy with their relationship. I have found that change has to be introduced quickly and deliberately and then kept up otherwise the old ways come back. Molly and Chuck decided to set aside 20 minutes 3 times a week to talk with each other about anything but the children. They were amazed how hard that was for them and in frustration stopped setting aside the time in the second week. It wasn’t until they each took responsibility to begin sharing about their adult needs that change began to happen. The risk they took to let each other know what they needed individually and together was the beginning of rekindling their relationship. Rekindling can also happen if just one person introduces change.
Change happens in the present. It has to be deliberately and consistently introduced in order for it to last. Molly and Chuck had neglected to nurture their couple relationship and through the years their lives had become child focused. It was after they each became serious about working on evolving themselves that they were able to communicate about what they needed from the realtionship in order to be happy.
