Have you ever watched the TV show called THE BIG LOSER? It is a show about very overweight men and women who want to lose weight. Most have struggled for years with unsuccessful dieting and see this as their last chance. It is a very strenuous program consisting of intense physical exercise and learning to make a mindset shift. The people who make a genuine commitment to give their all are the ones who end up being successful at meeting their goals.
I like how clearly “The Biggest Loser” demonstrates the three steps necessary for making successfull changes.
- First is the decision to do something
- Then comes the internal commitment to yourself to do it
- Lastly it is setting up clear steps on how to achieve the desired goal
Have you engaged in the New Year’s ritual of setting new goals? I sure have. Looking back I can say that many of them fell by the wayside after a few weeks. What was missing was the three pronged structure. Indeed I would make decisions to make certain changes. In retrospect I can see that they were look warm decision because I did not make a true commitment to it nor did I set up a realistic step by step sturcture for achieving what I said I wanted.
For years I would say to myself that I really needed to get on a regular exercise program. I would start and stop and start again. It wasn’t until one day I decided that I was kidding myself when I said that I was too busy to exercise. It was true I was busy but I found time by spending less time reading the newspaper and getting up when the alarm went off rather than pushing the snooze alarm. I finally started to have consistent success when I decided exercise was important, made a commitment to my self that I had to do it at least three times a week, and joined a gym and made a concrete plan for when I would exercise.
The big difference was that I no longer gave myself a choice. The result has been that I have felt good physically and pleased that that I have taken responsibility for my physical well being. . There are other areas in my life where I need to apply the same formula. Change takes persistence and effort but the results are well worth it.
There are simple skills that can greatly improve well being. For instance, do you have effective skills for managing yourself when you are upset? This is such a common problem that knowing what to do could make all the difference. When we are emotionally worked up it helps to know how to get control back.
Here are some skills to keep in mind if you want to get back in control.
1. Instead of immediately reacting focus on yourself and begin to breathe deeply. Keep in mind that all of us when we are upset automatically start hyper ventilating and our breath becomes shallow.
2. Silently begin counting to 20 or up to fifty or however long you need. The reason for that is you want to be able to think again. When we are all emotion it is impossible to think clearly.
3. The task is to focus on getting control over yourself. The alternative is that out of anger and frustration you may say or act in ways that you do not want to. By focusing on yourself you will get control back which enhances your well being.
4. Once you can think again figure out what you want the person you are upset with to understand.
5. Speak in “I” messages instead of “you”. You puts the other person on the defensive while I puts you in charge of you.
6. Keep the discussion in the present and stay focused on the issue at hand. If you bring in the past you can no longer find a solution to the present dilemma. By handling your feelings successfully you will have interrupted and changed the communication between you.
Communication in relationships can be confusing. It involves both talking and listening and lots of emotion. My passion is helping people relate with each other so that they feel heard and understood. In this blog I will focus on the art of listening. There is a big difference between half listening and full listening. When we are half listening our minds are occupied with other thoughts at the same time. As I am writing this I can hear the voice of one of my children “You are not listening, you did not hear what I said”. And the truth was I really only half heard. I would then get jolted back to the present moment and make sure that I engaged fully while listening.
Many times when I half listened I was not even conscious of the fact that I only half heard. At other times I would pretend to listen but my mind would be occupied with other things. In such situations it would have been much better to say “I can’t be present and listen right now.” The next step then would be to find a time when both of us could be fully present.
Another useful idea is to put aside all preconceived ideas of what the speaker is going to say. If we do not do that we can easily pretend to be mind readers. The tendency is to mentally say to oneself “I know what he/she is going to say. I have heard it before”. Instead, expect yourself to listen and then make sure that you really understood what was said by asking follow up questions.
A friend told me that she overheard her 20 something daughter yelling at her boyfriend and using ugly language. He had recently moved 500 miles away for military training and she wanted to know if their relationship had a future or not. She spilled all her frustration on him. Yet what she was really struggling with was her fear that he was pulling away not just in distance but also emotionally. If he only heard her words what was going on with her emotionally.
It is valuable to keep in mind that if the speaker is emotional there is a whole layer of feelings behind the words spoken. Good time to try to get more clarity as to what really is being said.
I was among the millions of people who watched Oprah’s very last show from Chicago. Over the past 25 years I have tuned in off and on and liked the way she connected to the issues that people face. Her parting message was about worthiness. Oprah understood that most of us struggle with a sense of unworthiness. We want validation from others and block our own blessings by worrying are we worthy enough. She emphasized that we need to remind ourselves that we are worthy just because we are here.
Oprah showed a snippet of a previous show where a woman shared that when she was admired for her achievements her inner voice was crying out “do you hear me, do you see me, am I worthy”. Her inner pain yearned for validation of her worthiness and the external accolades did not meet that need.
I recently coached a man who was feeling utterly worthless. He had been a very successful business man and his identity was tied to his job. What he had not developed was a solid sense of inner worth. I challenged him to put his energy into growing in the areas that he had neglected. Once he accepted the truism that people can grow and change at any age he opened himself up and discovered strengths and interests that had been dormant all these years. As he learned to validate his essence and take action his sense of worthiness expanded.
Self-worth is the ability to value one’s self and to treat oneself with love and dignity. Adults who want to live vibrantly have the opportunity to unlearn limiting beliefs and build a strong sense of inner self worth. The way to do that is by learning effective communication and relationship skills that lead to feeling good on the inside and in relationship with others.
My answer is probably very similar to what most people would answer: yes/but. The but is for not wanting to live so long that my mind and body no longer represent who I am. Recently I went to a workshop on longevity. It was interesting to learn what a difference a healthy lifestyle has on aging well. In order to live to a hundred we all would like to be healthy and of sound mind. There is a lot we can learn from the lifestyles of the healthy centenarians.
In my last column I talked about the value of making positive changes in ones life on a consistent basis instead of being propelled into making changes because of a crisis.At the conference I learned about the way the Costa Ricans live that leads to a long and healthy life.
The average Costa Rican man at age 60 years has twice the chance to reach age 90 years as a man in France, Japan or the U.S. Here are some of their life style practices: having a strong sense of purpose, contributing to the community, keeping a focus on the family, consuming fewer calories mostly from a vegetarian diet, working physically hard and maintaining social networks with lots of laughter and talking.
There are life style practices of the Costa Ricans that we would do well to emulate. I am especially thinking of their strong focus on family and how they enjoy their social connections.
I have been interested as to when,how, and why people change for a long time. No doubt my decision to become a therapist and life coach had to do with this curiosity; however, I also saw myself as playing a part in the change process.
Most of the time it is a crisis that propels people to seek help. Once the old equilibrium is reestablished then the need for change is no longer pressing. Yet, I found quite a number of people wanted to continue making changes. They became aware that their lives had been curtailed either emotionally or through a limiting belief system. For those people the desire for change became internally driven. I would teach people how to develop a growth mindset and it was up to them to figure out what they wanted for themselves. As a result change became something to be explored by applying curiosity and effort.
I am convinced that when people develop a growth mindset they begin to see new possibilities for themselves which propel them grow which inevitably involves making changes. As result the reason to make changes is no longer propelled by a crisis but rather by the belief that growth and change is possible throughout life.
Do you realize that the way you talk to yourself is completely in your control? It is by believing this little nugget that you take charge of your life.
Let me share with you what Carol, a coaching client, excitedly shared with me today. We had been talking about the importance of changing how she spoke to herself. Carol has had tragic losses in her life and has struggled with depression. She had developed an inner dialogue where she would put herself down, look at the world through negative glasses, and was resigned to the fact that this was how her life was and that change was not possible.
I have been teaching her about developing a growth mindset which is based on the belief that our brains need new information in order to keep growing. She decided to try to introduce the new thought that she in charge of her own life and that she had no control over others.
In the past with her negative view of self she took responsible for all that went wrong. If her son acted out it was her fault, if her husband raised any questions she would personalize the interaction. She joyfully shared that by changing her inner dialogue from “I am responsible for everyone’s happiness to I am responsible for myself and I need to give others the freedom to be in charge of their lives” she was able to respond differently to them.
To change long standing beliefs takes concentration and practice. As Carol said “It is scary and exciting to feel in charge of myself. Once you ‘ get it’ you want more”. And that is the beauty of building a strong personal foundation.
Self growth is the foundation for upgrading who one is. The reason is that when we focus on our own growth we accept the fact that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We use our energy for our own growth and want relationships that are good for us.
For instance, any one who has grown up or lives with a substance abuser be it alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs knows how fruitless it is to get the abuser to change. That is because the abuser’s relationship is with the substance and no longer with the people in his/her life. When you upgrade yourself you stop monitoring or fixing the other person. Instead you take responsible action in the areas that you do have control. As you upgrade your own life it will become clearer to you as to what your options are in regards to the substance abuser.
When you upgrade you no longer are willing to limit yourself by staying in situations that zap your energy. When I coach people to expand their experience of who they are they begin to attract new people into their lives or they expect their current relationships to become healthier.Upgrading comes from taking action to be the kind of person one is capable of being.
A friend sent me a link to a YouTube video on The Power of Words. You will see how by just changing the written words the same message is dramatically changed. I urge you to see it a
Since my expertise is helping people make changes so that they can feel in charge of their lives I know how important words are. I have found that the words that we say to ourselves are the crucial ones in how we will relate with others. For instance, if we use words that put us down we will reflect in how we are in our relationships. How we speak to ourselves is at the essence of our self esteem.
By changing a few words we can learn to empower ourselves. For instance, if you are in the habit of putting yourself down start to catch yourself when you do it. Change the put down to “I am OK”. After you do that over and over instead of saying “I am so stupid, “I should have said something else”, “I always mess up” you will find that you will begin to be kinder to yourself and feel better about yourself. The words you have been saying are habits you got into a long time ago and they get in the way of you being able to appreciate your strengths as an adult.
Change the words you use to describe yourself and you will be be on the road to bring forth your talents and gifts in order to crate the life you desire.
We all want to have power over our own life. Most of us have it in one or more areas of our life but real empowerment comes from feeling in control in all areas of our life.
I recently coached a successful business man who shared how lonely he was. He had thought that making money would make him happy but now sadly admitted that did not happen. He liked the freedom that money provided. What was missing for him was that he did not know how to be in a close caring relationship. Growing up he learned as a young child that he had to rely on himself.
He knew how to be successful in one area of his life and now he had to learn to bring forth an important side of him that he had pushed aside.
In order to begin making changes it frequently takes a crisis to get us going. In this business man’s life he was jolted by rejection. He had begun dating a lovely woman who ended their relationship because she saw him as being selfish and not knowing about the natural give and take of personal relationships. This jolted him into admitting that she was right and that if he wanted to be in a real relationship he had to learn how to do that.
He opened himself up to learning communication and relationship skills and becoming comfortable with his vulnerabilities. Change is not a quick fix. By taking the journey to empower our lives we become fully engaged and discover who we are capable of being.
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Take Charge Of Your Life With A Strong Personal Foundation!
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