My answer is probably very similar to what most people would answer: yes/but. The but is for not wanting to live so long that my mind and body no longer represent who I am. Recently I went to a workshop on longevity. It was interesting to learn what a difference a healthy lifestyle has on aging well. In order to live to a hundred we all would like to be healthy and of sound mind. There is a lot we can learn from the lifestyles of the healthy centenarians.
In my last column I talked about the value of making positive changes in ones life on a consistent basis instead of being propelled into making changes because of a crisis.At the conference I learned about the way the Costa Ricans live that leads to a long and healthy life.
The average Costa Rican man at age 60 years has twice the chance to reach age 90 years as a man in France, Japan or the U.S. Here are some of their life style practices: having a strong sense of purpose, contributing to the community, keeping a focus on the family, consuming fewer calories mostly from a vegetarian diet, working physically hard and maintaining social networks with lots of laughter and talking.
There are life style practices of the Costa Ricans that we would do well to emulate. I am especially thinking of their strong focus on family and how they enjoy their social connections.
I have been interested as to when,how, and why people change for a long time. No doubt my decision to become a therapist and life coach had to do with this curiosity; however, I also saw myself as playing a part in the change process.
Most of the time it is a crisis that propels people to seek help. Once the old equilibrium is reestablished then the need for change is no longer pressing. Yet, I found quite a number of people wanted to continue making changes. They became aware that their lives had been curtailed either emotionally or through a limiting belief system. For those people the desire for change became internally driven. I would teach people how to develop a growth mindset and it was up to them to figure out what they wanted for themselves. As a result change became something to be explored by applying curiosity and effort.
I am convinced that when people develop a growth mindset they begin to see new possibilities for themselves which propel them grow which inevitably involves making changes. As result the reason to make changes is no longer propelled by a crisis but rather by the belief that growth and change is possible throughout life.
Do you realize that the way you talk to yourself is completely in your control? It is by believing this little nugget that you take charge of your life.
Let me share with you what Carol, a coaching client, excitedly shared with me today. We had been talking about the importance of changing how she spoke to herself. Carol has had tragic losses in her life and has struggled with depression. She had developed an inner dialogue where she would put herself down, look at the world through negative glasses, and was resigned to the fact that this was how her life was and that change was not possible.
I have been teaching her about developing a growth mindset which is based on the belief that our brains need new information in order to keep growing. She decided to try to introduce the new thought that she in charge of her own life and that she had no control over others.
In the past with her negative view of self she took responsible for all that went wrong. If her son acted out it was her fault, if her husband raised any questions she would personalize the interaction. She joyfully shared that by changing her inner dialogue from “I am responsible for everyone’s happiness to I am responsible for myself and I need to give others the freedom to be in charge of their lives” she was able to respond differently to them.
To change long standing beliefs takes concentration and practice. As Carol said “It is scary and exciting to feel in charge of myself. Once you ‘ get it’ you want more”. And that is the beauty of building a strong personal foundation.
Self growth is the foundation for upgrading who one is. The reason is that when we focus on our own growth we accept the fact that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We use our energy for our own growth and want relationships that are good for us.
For instance, any one who has grown up or lives with a substance abuser be it alcohol, drugs, prescription drugs knows how fruitless it is to get the abuser to change. That is because the abuser’s relationship is with the substance and no longer with the people in his/her life. When you upgrade yourself you stop monitoring or fixing the other person. Instead you take responsible action in the areas that you do have control. As you upgrade your own life it will become clearer to you as to what your options are in regards to the substance abuser.
When you upgrade you no longer are willing to limit yourself by staying in situations that zap your energy. When I coach people to expand their experience of who they are they begin to attract new people into their lives or they expect their current relationships to become healthier.Upgrading comes from taking action to be the kind of person one is capable of being.
A friend sent me a link to a YouTube video on The Power of Words. You will see how by just changing the written words the same message is dramatically changed. I urge you to see it a
Since my expertise is helping people make changes so that they can feel in charge of their lives I know how important words are. I have found that the words that we say to ourselves are the crucial ones in how we will relate with others. For instance, if we use words that put us down we will reflect in how we are in our relationships. How we speak to ourselves is at the essence of our self esteem.
By changing a few words we can learn to empower ourselves. For instance, if you are in the habit of putting yourself down start to catch yourself when you do it. Change the put down to “I am OK”. After you do that over and over instead of saying “I am so stupid, “I should have said something else”, “I always mess up” you will find that you will begin to be kinder to yourself and feel better about yourself. The words you have been saying are habits you got into a long time ago and they get in the way of you being able to appreciate your strengths as an adult.
Change the words you use to describe yourself and you will be be on the road to bring forth your talents and gifts in order to crate the life you desire.
We all want to have power over our own life. Most of us have it in one or more areas of our life but real empowerment comes from feeling in control in all areas of our life.
I recently coached a successful business man who shared how lonely he was. He had thought that making money would make him happy but now sadly admitted that did not happen. He liked the freedom that money provided. What was missing for him was that he did not know how to be in a close caring relationship. Growing up he learned as a young child that he had to rely on himself.
He knew how to be successful in one area of his life and now he had to learn to bring forth an important side of him that he had pushed aside.
In order to begin making changes it frequently takes a crisis to get us going. In this business man’s life he was jolted by rejection. He had begun dating a lovely woman who ended their relationship because she saw him as being selfish and not knowing about the natural give and take of personal relationships. This jolted him into admitting that she was right and that if he wanted to be in a real relationship he had to learn how to do that.
He opened himself up to learning communication and relationship skills and becoming comfortable with his vulnerabilities. Change is not a quick fix. By taking the journey to empower our lives we become fully engaged and discover who we are capable of being.
Did you know that women start more new businesses in mid life than at any other time of life? I had mentioned mid life in a recent article and received a tweet as to “what is midlife?” I see mid life as being the time from the late forties into sixties and beyond. It is a time when there is vibrancy and eagerness to make the second half of life be meaningful and financially successful.
I recently worked with two women who had been in their jobs for over 27 years where they had an opportunity to find out where their strengths were. Although they did not know each other they were at a very similar place in life. Their jobs were no longer challenging and they were eager to start their own businesses. Others may not know what they want to do next but trust that they will figure it out.
There are three beginning steps to consider when starting a new career.
1. What do you want to do? Most people start our with general dreams and hopes and need to take some time to focus in on what they want to do.
2. Clarify your niche. Do some basic research to see what the competition is and if what you dream about is feasible. I have worked with a number of people who started out with one idea and as they looked further into it shifted to something else that excited them more.
3. Assess your resources
This step will help you with the decision as to how you proceed. If you can devote full time to developing your business that is great. Many people find that they have to keep their job for a while longer but they have renewed energy because their mind is actively engaged in developing their new venture.
In my next article I will write about the emotional side of introducing change into ones life.
Recently I came across the following quote by Stephen Covey “The most important ingredient we put in any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are.” This is especially significant in the midlife transition stage where “what we are” becomes a very personal search. This is the time of life of getting in touch with what one still wants to do in life. Whatever action an individual takes will have an impact on the couple relationship.
Relationships can be our most powerful emotional support or they can be powerful drainers of energy. People who are in relationships develop a rhythm between them. Most relationships at midlife can use some adjusting. By midlife there is a predictability to the pattern of interacting. When one person starts introducing change it will affect the balance of the relationship. This is bound to happens in midlife as one or both start making changes in order to add new directions to their life.
In this search for personal change it is important to keep in mind the impact of those changes on the relationship. Step mentally back and look objectively at your relationship. There are usually long standing habits or limitations that need to be adjusted. As one person expects more of self he/she also wants more from the relationship. Then the couple has to see if they can incorporate the changes so that they can grow together.
Recently a woman told that when she looked back on her life that her relationship which was once a bright light now was a a pilot light. She felt that there was still a comfortable connection between her husband and her but the spark was gone.
I asked her how she had changed over the years. She said that she used to be vibrant and interesting but over the years had settled into a life that no longer gave her personal challenge. Intimacy begins to fade when we stop paying attention to ourselves. If we do not take responsibility to do what makes us happy as individuals and hope that the relationship will provide the spark we are deluding ourselves. Relationships are made up of two individuals who each need to take responsibility for themselves. When each person figures out what he/she needs to feel vibrant they are able to speak honestly and authentically with each other. Being able to truly be oneself and accepting the other as to who he/she is becomes the key for reigniting the spark between them.
A healthy love relationship is energetic, alive and grows over time because each person takes charge of self. The healthiest relationships have two adults who take responsibility for their own happiness which allows them to share intimately because they love each other.
Have you noticed how easy it is to hold ourselves back by our limiting beliefs? Usually we are not even aware that we are limiting ourselves because at the time our thinking seems to make a lot of sense. It is in retrospect that we might say “why didn’t I do that?”
Limiting beliefs are powerful because they seem so real. For instance, how often have you heard the following: I am too old to start a new business, it is too late, I should have done this ten years ago, this is just how I am, I don’t have time to exercise, I can’t go on this trip now I will do it later and then later does not come. I think it is a combination of not enough discipline and fear of change that keeps many of us stuck with our limiting beliefs.
I really like the following quote by the poet ee cummings “It takes courage to grow into who you really are”. To grow and make changes means moving beyond one’s comfort zone. I have a friend who was widowed at a young age. After a period of mourning she decided she wanted to meet someone with whom she could share her life again. . She gave herself an assignment to go to different events at least once a week to places where she had an opportunity to meet men. This was a hard task because she also had a young child for whom she needed a weekly babysitter. Her limiting belief was “who would want to meet a widow with a child.” Instead of staying with that thought she disciplined herself and stuck to her weekly schedule. Six months later she met a wonderful man who became her life partner. She has frequently said how happy she is that she had the determination to hold on to her goal and then push through her limiting beliefs and take action to go after what she wanted.
I see limiting beliefs as holding us back from continued self growth. By challenging our beliefs and disciplining ourselves we put ourselves on the path of discovering who we really are.
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