I read an interesting observation today stressing a big drawback of living together before marriage. The reason given was that many people begin to live together before they have had a chance to experience what it is like to be independent. As a result they miss out on the growing up step of standing on their own two feet. It is no wonder than that the desire for independence vs. also the desire for togetherness becomes an issue in many marriages. It is a dilemma I have witnessed over and over.
My specialty is relationship building. I believe that the major task when working with couples is to help each person take full responsibility for self. . By that I mean that they own what they feel and think and can objectively hear the other person. When they can do that working on their couple issues becomes easy. At that point each will have a clear sense of what he/she wants for self and what each wants their marriage/relationship to look like. Then the relationship issues become a balancing of the needs of each while simultaneously building a relationship that enhances each individual’s life.
I read the book Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson a while back. Now I am reading it again. The school my grandchildren attend has chosen this book for a family summer read. Every week the school emails us a new question to discuss. Since I am in Annapolis, Maryland and my grandchildren are in Chicago we do our sharing on the telephone. This weeks tea-mail question:
Greg Mortenson’s greatest successes often come following initial failures. For example, had he not failed to summit K2 and gotten lost on his way down, he would never have stumbled into Korphe and met the children who prompted him to build his first school in Pakistan.
What is an example of growth or success that emerged from failure for you?
I can look back and see times where at first I failed and later I was able to say that it indeed was for the best. Since I am doing this with my grandchildren I decided to focus on my school days. I remembered an experience I had in ninth grade. I entered the local science fair with a project on “How Matches work” I had this elaborate model (with my father’s help) of the assembly line in a match factory and a small display discussing what happens when you strike a match. I eagerly waited for my name to be called among the winner. It did not happen. I was devastated, embarrassed, and upset with myself. My defeat stung even more because my brother and sister who were a few grades ahead of me did very well.
Later I remember thinking “what did I do wrong”. As it turned out that was the right question to ask. I realized that my project really didn’t reflect my interest and there was little scientific merit to it. I became determined to do better the following year. I entered a project that I enjoyed working on in the field of Biology. That year I received a first place in Biology.
What I learned about myself was that it was important to look objectively as to why I had failed rather then personalize the loss. I also realized that it takes time to be able to shift from disappointment and anger to be able to figure out what to do next.
Does a financial incentive inspire people to take their medications regularly? I just read about a study in Philadelphia where people were being paid a certain amount in order to take their medications regularly. Apparently non compliance is a big problem and accounts for more than $100 billion in health costs annually because those patients often get sicker. The study showed that for many the financial incentive worked however it did not lead to continued compliance after the program was stopped.
What we are really talking about here is as to what gets people to change their behavior. Similar incentive programs have been started to get students to do homework and to get people to loose and keep off weight. As far as I know all have had short lived success and not achieved the goal of establishing long term success.
As we all know change is difficult. The medication study is externally driven -the incentive is the insurance companies to save money on health care. What is missing is how to get people to want to care of themselves.
I would like to see a strong emphasis on finding ways to expect people to be responsible for their well being. I do not believe that financial incentives are the answer. I do believe that by building a strong foundation people are more apt to take good care of themselves.
Has this happened to you? You are in a good mood and then your partner says something and “puff” your mood changes. This is the relationship effect. It can show up in many different ways but invariably is reflects abdication of control over oneself to someone else.
Let me share an example. Here is the scene. It is morning. Claudia is in the kitchen making breakfast. She is in a good mood. Mark enters the kitchen and growls “where is the paper”. He sits down, picks up the paper, and begins to eat. He looks up and comments that his eggs are cold. Claudia crumbles on the inside. She says to herself I never do anything right, I can’t please him etc. From that moment on she slips into a depressive funk. Mark gets up and warms up his eggs in the microwave. She interprets his action as “he is mad at me”.
Mark and Claudia are caught in a pattern that is unhealthy for both of them. Claudia had many choices in how she could have responded to Mark. She acted as if there was only one choice. Claudia personalized Mark’s comment about the eggs as if there was something wrong with her. Since Mark didn’t say anything further she made her own interpretation that he was mad at her. It would have helped if he would have said that he had a lot on his mind or that he was in a foul mood. He didn’t say it and she did not comment on his behavior. Instead Claudia took it all on that she was mot OK.
Couples can easily find themselves in a similar situation. How they respond will make a big difference as to if this becomes a communication struggle or not. For instance Claudia, if she had not personalized the situation, could have commented that Mark sure seemed to be having a tough morning. His mood was not about her. Yet she altered her mood to reflect his.
When you believe you are in control of yourself it becomes easier to see the other person objectively and to accept the other as separate with own struggles, moods, frustrations and joys and desires.
I love quotes because they succinctly capture truisms. Here is one by Rosalyn Carter that I like “If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’s accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. In those few words she sums up that the essence of self-worth is having confidence in ones abilities and then taking action to develop these abilities.
Although I had heard a lot about the movie Precious I finally saw it last night. I found it a hard movie to watch. Precious had grown up in an environment of poverty and horrific physical and emotional abuse. It wasn’t until she became a student at an alternative school that she began to see that life could be different. She had in the past escaped to fantasizing a different life for herself but this time something changed for her. She began to feel that she herself had the ability, in spite of everything that was against her, to take control of her life. Although the movie ends on a positive note it is evident that the road ahead for Precious and her two children will be difficult.
Over time Precious gained self -confidence to envision a different life for herself. Gradually she began to build a strong personal foundation, developed the strength to take action, and the confidence to forge her own life.
I am frequently asked “what in the world are boundaries?” This comes from people who have heard that it is important to have boundaries but they have no real understanding as to what that means.
Here is how I like to think about boundaries. Boundaries are the imaginary lines we have drawn around ourselves. They are our way of protecting ourselves and reflect what we feel we deserve in life. Let me give you some examples. If you were emotionally put down when growing up you may think that is what you deserve. You may as an adult end up with partners or friends who also put you down because you still deep down think “that is what I deserve.” Once you realize that this is not what you deserve and start building a strong personal foundation you will begin to grow your boundaries. In this case you will need to create boundaries that reflect that you value yourself and learn to set boundaries which others may not cross.
In contrast you may have boundaries that are too tight. You may have learned that the world is not a save place and you may have developed rigid boundaries which limit your experiences of life.
What we all want is to have our imaginary lines be such that we enjoy the freedom to bring forth who we are and have the wisdom to set limits when people try to cross our boundaries.
In order to feel in charge of our lives we have to have boundaries. Our boundaries have to reflect who we are. If we have boundaries that were too loose or too tight and our image of who we are changes we have to adjust our boundaries. We all have the capacity to unlearn what holds us back and to develop boundaries that reflect our strong personal foundation.
Today I have a guest post which I wrote on my blog http://budurl.com/rekindle. I am not sure if that makes it a guest blog; however, I very much wanted to share it.
The news that Tipper and Al Gore are separating after forty years of marriage has taken many by surprise. They seemed to be the poster adults for a vibrant loving marriage. They have not shared how they reached their decision other than to say that it was mutual. There of course are speculations in the media, however the conclusion seems to be that they grew apart.
Over the years I have worked with many couples who have been married several decades. Many have been able to rekindle intimacy and joy in their marriage while some have decided to part ways. Marriage requires a constant infusion of renewal. That is because the two individuals involved are growing and changing which affects the equilibrium of their relationship.
The other major factor that impacts relationships is what is happening in their lives. For instance if, due to lay offs and cut backs, one person is laid off it affects the couple relationship. Or when the last child leaves home the couple relationship has to deal with the change. If a couple works from the premise that we are in this together they are more apt to find solutions that allow them to continue to be supportive to each other.
Change puts stress on the strongest relationships. Yet it is also what keeps relationships vibrant. If a couple can deal with the individual and/or external stress producers in a way that they communicate openly with each other and work towards solutions so both can be OK their intimacy will flourish.
I believe that marriages need a constant infusion of newness and rekindling. Many couples leave the growth of their marriage to chance rather than actively letting each other know what they each need in order for both to feel happy in their relationship.
When we build a strong personal foundation we believe that we are capable of more. There are usually habits, lack of knowledge, or beliefs we have about our self that hold us back. As we start strengthening these areas we see that our picture of who we are begins to change.
I am reminded of Margaret whom I coached intermittently over a number of years. I could tell that she was a very bright woman even though she was under achieving professionally. Whenever she started daydreaming about her passions she would come up with rationalizations as to why she should not want more. She had this elaborate “should” habit which was as follows: I should be content, I know others who are content, what’s wrong with me that I am not content.
Margaret had to start believing that her “I should be content” inner voice was really a valuable messenger. Every time it let her know that she was ready to take the next step. It was a signal to her to begin making changes. There was not something wrong with her instead it was her way of dealing with being scared to move out of her comfort zone. Now the task instead became to figure out what she wanted to do next and then take action to make it happen.
Over the years she has gone through many “I should be content” periods. Once she understood her process it did not scare her as much. Yet each time it happened she would initially ask herself “what is wrong with me” and stay there for briefer periods each time.
She has gone on to get an advanced degree, hold creative and demanding jobs and now has gone into business for herself. Yet the “I should be content” signal occasionally still pops up. Last time it was about out growing some of her long standing friends. She interpreted this signal as ” it is time to reach out and add new friends into my life”.
In addition to writing here I have another blog where I give tips and tools for rekindling relationships. Yet together these two make a whole. What determines the strengths of relationships are the two individuals. By building a strong personal foundation we become better partners. The most important factor in loving relationships is the feeling of worth each person has for self. This affects how each treats the other, the demands they make of each other, and how they care for self.
Love is a feeling that can grow or fade. Couples generally are drawn together by sexual attraction. That does not guarantee friendship or compatibility. In order for love to grow it has to be nourished. Think about planting a seed. In order to germinate and grow it needs water, light, and nourishing soil. It is the same with love in relationships, it needs nurturing every single day. Many couples leave love to chance and at some point realize that the relationship needs rekindling. I invite you to visit http://budurl.com/rekindle to see what I am writing about relationships.
Likewise, it is the same for us as individuals. Unless we take good care of ourselves we stop bringing forth our greatness. Did you know that as you strengthen your personal foundation your expectations of yourself and your relationship will be enhanced. You will grow into the person you are capable of being.
One of my mentors, Virginia Satir, taught me something that has been useful to me and everyone else I have shared it with. She said “treat everything that comes at you from the outside as something with which to cope, and not as a way to define yourself.
How often do you hear yourself or others say: he/she made me feel that way, I couldn’t say anything, I agreed even though it was not what I felt. Those are times when our self-worth gets hooked and we feel incompetent, anxious, powerless etc. Those are situations where we feel vulnerable and that we tend to give away our power over ourselves.
What if instead you treated what ever came at you as something to cope with. You would acknowledge to yourself what you were feeling and remind yourself of your own worth. That way you would be anchored within yourself and stay in control of defining who you are.
In my work as a relationship specialist I see this dynamic a lot. One person (generally the woman) has given the power of defining herself to her partner. The result is that she does not feel good about herself and is angry at her partner. It is an unhealthy balance for both. If instead she thinks of how else she can cope she will focus on finding solutions rather than continue to feel powerless.
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