I will start with my favorite quote by Goethe “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it”. What I like about this quote is that there are no built in limitations, the focus is on BEGIN IT. So often we limit ourselves by saying I am too old, this is not the right time, should have done it earlier etc. If we BEGIN IT or not has a lot to do with our mindset.
I have been fascinated by the research that has been done on the value of having a growth mindset. People with a growth mindset believe that their intelligence, talents and character are the starting point. These qualities can be developed by applying effort, persistence and a joy for learning. Thus your growth mindset gives you a starting point upon which you can build. You don’t know what your true potential is, instead life becomes an opportunity to discover your potential.
With such a view of yourself set-backs and failures become opportunities for learning. You are no longer letting them define you, instead you trust who you are and believe that flexibility and change are part of life.
Here is something else that I think is great about the growth mindset. Anyone who has been limiting themselves by a fixed mindset can learn to develop a growth mindset. More about the fixed mindset next time.
A growth mindset helps you bring forth your potential while a fixed mindset limits you. In my last article I discussed the characteristics of growth mindset thinking. This time I will describe the fixed mindset.
If you have a fixed mindset you believe that your talents, intelligence, and personality are fixed from birth. You are apt to worry that if you do not do well in something that you will be judged deficient. You fear making mistakes and if you do you consider yourself a failure. You are hesitant t o undertake new challenges because you fear that you will not do as well as you “should”. You tend to be rigid with your assessment of yourself and others.
Many of us were raised with the fixed mindset. Teachers and parents assumed that we had a specific amount of intelligence and judged us accordingly. Like most people I have both a fixed and growth mindset. I did not realize how powerful some of my fixed mindset beliefs were. My elementary school days were spent in Austria. The school culture was that of a fixed mindset. The view was that our intelligence was determined and most students got locked into an educational track at age ten. Other interests or talents were not considered.
Since I was a late bloomer it worked out well for me to come to the States when I was thirteen and found that I was not locked into a mold. I soon learned that it was up to me as to what I accomplished in life.
I am convinced that all of us have dreams inside us that we yearn to fulfill. Yet we can miss out on enjoying life if we do not simultaneously keep our focus on living fully in the present.
Last night I saw the movie UP. The lead character is a 78 year old grieving widower who follows the life long dream his wife and he had to visit Paradise Falls in South America. He flies there in his house that is pulled aloft be the most fantastic array of brightly colored helium balloons. To his dismay he discovers that he has inadvertently brought a long a young boy who happened to be on the porch when the house took flight. While aloft he finds a photo album which his wife had put together of their life together which shows that she saw her whole life with him to have been an adventure. Our old man reaches the Falls, has his share of adventures, and returns home with a warm love for the little boy and a renewed zest for living.
I liked the fact that this movie depicted the importance of love and sharing. We see that the old man and his wife shared love and adventure throughout their life together. At the end of the movie we see the old man happily enjoying the companionship of Russel, the boy, and Dug, the dog they acquired on this adventure.
We need both the joy of making our dreams a reality and being fully present in our life every day.
One of the certainties of growing as a person is that temporarily there is a period of uncertainty. How we handle this “uncertainty” has a lot to do with taking our life forward or staying where we are.
Right now I am coaching a woman who finds herself in such a transition point in her life. She knows she has outgrown her job and that it is time to take her career to the next level. Although she has seen herself as capable she has lately felt uncertainty about her capabilities. There is a huge struggle going on inside her. On one level she feels she has lost her self confidence yet at the same time she knows she is ready to move out of her familiar comfort zone.
This inner push-pull is what we all go through when we are confronted with making changes. It does not just happen with making a career change but also with getting married, buying a house, having children, retiring, etc. We have to accept that this push-pull is necessary so that we can push ourselves out of the familiar comfort zone. Thus the back and forth is our way of dealing with the uncertainty of the new and getting ourselves ready for the next phase of life. It is a normal part of transitioning from who we were to who we see ourselves becoming.
It is by expecting more of ourselves that we grow. We expand who we are when we are willing to risk uncertainty for certainty. When we leave our comfort we have to trust that in time that becomes our new comfort zone.
You are excited. You finally took the big step to pursue what you have been wanting to do for a long time. You are energized and feel yourself evolving in new directions. Although at times you are scared and feel uncertain you stay focused and start having success.
Then comes the clincher. Your partner, who initially was supportive, is starting to complain, question, raise concerns and make new demands. You are taken a back and question if it is worth it to continue this new venture if it puts such stress on your relationship. This is a critical time in a relationship.
Here are some ideas to keep in mind if you find yourself in such a situation:
1. Whenever one person makes changes it affects the other person.
The equilibrium that you had between you is being tested. The longer you are involved in your new pursuits the less sure your partner will be as to his/her continued place in your life. As the established pattern shifts there will be a period of uncertainty.
2. Stay focused on what you are doing but with added sensitivity to your partners’ needs.
When you realize that it is normal for your partner to feel stress because you have shifted the familiar balance it will be easier to offer reassurance to your partner.
3. You can create a new balance that will enrich both of your lives
When one person makes changes the other will have to change also. At first there will be the expected resistance, followed by anxiety, and finally acceptance that things will be different between both of you. People who are building a strong personal foundation understand that these kinds of adjustments to individual changes are part and parcel of healthy relationships.
I was asked the other day if there was one thing I could recommend that would improve relationships. I came up with many little things that would have immediate positive effects. For instance treating the other with kindness, showing appreciation and love, going away for a special weekend etc. Yet, I wanted to give an answer that would have a lasting positive effect on the relationship.
I think that the most important thing any one can do to improve their relationship is to build a strong personal foundation. It is by continuing to grow and strengthen who we are we develop a healthy sense of self worth. When we do that we end up feeling in charge of our lives and willingly take responsibility for our actions. This makes it possible for us to not personalize whatever someone else says or does. When we are able to be objective we see whatever the other person says or does as something we have to cope with and not as something that defines our worth.
By building a strong personal foundation we become sure of what our values are and grow in trusting our feelings and thinking. Interacting with a partner in an intimate relationship will not be based on hope that the other will make us whole. Truly loving is then defined as not putting strings on each other but rather by an appreciation that the relationship will enhance our life.
Most of us lead very busy lives. It is easy to forget that we need to also nourish our senses. We stop seeing what is right around us. When I go for a walk I have to consciously remind myself to stay in the present and pay attention. If I do not do that I will be in my own little world thinking about all kinds of things. What I am not seeing is the houses on my street, the kind of gardens people have, what the people look like that you pass, is there wind rustling, etc.
W e have to cultivate our senses. If we do not do that our lives become routine and lose their luster. We have to re-sensitize ourselves in order to live vibrantly.
Stress and commitments will do that to us. W are so focused on what we need to do that we stop paying attention to what is around us. We are not present in the present. I have found that taking Yoga classes has helped me stay present. I was surprised how difficult staying mindful has been for me. Repeatedly I would catch myself at being somewhere else than where I actually was.
Stop and smell the roses. By practicing paying mindful attention you will be more aware of yourself and others. By engaging all your senses your life will become more vibrant.
When we appreciate and love ourselves we easily find ways to grow our personal energy. Our energy comes from taking good care of our bodies, from challenging our minds, and from our relationships.
Learning to accept and love ourselves is vital for our self esteem. Yet many of us were raised with messages that to love ourselves is selfish. We were taught to love others instead of ourselves. The result is self depreciation. We all know that there is an extreme to self love that is called narcissism. Narcissists do not know how to love others. That is not the self love I am talking about. I am referring to the fact that by loving ourselves we value who we are. This ability to value who we are makes it possible for us to love others.
When loving self is viewed through the value lens it becomes possible to see others as equally valuable. Energy is not wasted on envy, fear, proving oneself, putting others down rather it is used for self. It also follows that people who care about themselves do not want to limit their energy by abusing drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs or letting others abuse them. Instead they want to build and use their energy to live life to the fullest.
Self-worth comes from building a strong personal foundation.
When I was growing up I only remember there being Mother’s Day. As I think about it I realize that it never occurred to me to question why there was not a Father’s Day. I lived in Austria from age 6 to 13 and subsequently in the States where my family did not celebrate Father’s Day. We always honored our mother and grandmother on Mother’s Day.
Yet my father was a big part of my life. What I remember best was that he gave us children (three girls, one boy) opportunities to challenge ourselves. He did it in a way that the unspoken message came across as “of course you can do it”. Yet the actual voice I hear came as directives: “stand up straight, pull your stomach in, close your mouth when eating, elbows of the table etc. At the time I hated these reminders but tried to do as told. It was when I got quite a bit older that I realized that the indirect expectations and the spoken directives were both ways of showing love. He noticed and cared about how we presented ourselves and how we challenged ourselves.
Today I did a little search and found out that it was President Lyndon Johnson in 1966 who signed a presidential proclamation declaring the third Sunday of June Father’s Day. However, it was in 1972 during the Nixon years that the holiday was officially recognized. My children have grown up with Father’s Day being an official holiday. When it comes to parenting father’s and mother’s both have a vital part and I am glad that both are now officially honored.
My passion is helping people build relationships that they enjoy. I think that there are too many people who do not understand that healthy marital relationships require a constant balancing of individual needs with togetherness needs. Both are necessary needs and have to be attended to.
Each person can only take responsibility for their own feelings and thinking. How well the togetherness balance works has to do with the sense of autonomy each person has. Independence involves handling life tasks responsibly, being able to stand on ones own two feet emotionally, and an ability to relate appropriately with others. From my work in relationship building I see couples, married for a number of years, who started out with a pretty good sense of self but gradually submerged it. That shift comes about because one person stopped paying enough attention to own needs and began paying more attention to the partners. This usually happens very gradually and frequently without conscious awareness.
In these situations the task is for each person is to get back to taking full responsibility for self. In order to rekindle their relationship each person had to be open to addressing their own issues. It is only then that they can also simultaneously work on strengthening their relationship.
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