I am frequently asked “what in the world are boundaries?” This comes from people who have heard that it is important to have boundaries but they have no real understanding as to what that means.
Here is how I like to think about boundaries. Boundaries are the imaginary lines we have drawn around ourselves. They are our way of protecting ourselves and reflect what we feel we deserve in life. Let me give you some examples. If you were emotionally put down when growing up you may think that is what you deserve. You may as an adult end up with partners or friends who also put you down because you still deep down think “that is what I deserve.” Once you realize that this is not what you deserve and start building a strong personal foundation you will begin to grow your boundaries. In this case you will need to create boundaries that reflect that you value yourself and learn to set boundaries which others may not cross.
In contrast you may have boundaries that are too tight. You may have learned that the world is not a save place and you may have developed rigid boundaries which limit your experiences of life.
What we all want is to have our imaginary lines be such that we enjoy the freedom to bring forth who we are and have the wisdom to set limits when people try to cross our boundaries.
In order to feel in charge of our lives we have to have boundaries. Our boundaries have to reflect who we are. If we have boundaries that were too loose or too tight and our image of who we are changes we have to adjust our boundaries. We all have the capacity to unlearn what holds us back and to develop boundaries that reflect our strong personal foundation.
