A dear friend of mine shared how surprised she was by her husband’s reaction to the current financial crisis. He was panicking and saying that he did not think he would ever be able to retire now. This was not the way he typically handled concerns — somehow this was different for him. Seeing their hard earned money lose considerable value became something that he felt responsible for. He fretted that he had not made better decisions to diversify more and that he was letting her down. Since they had both made the decisions of how much and where to invest she was taken a back how personally he reacted this time.
My experience has been that we often don’t know what situation may set off an unfamiliar response in us. The trigger for my friend’s husband was an old message that he had a long time ago heard from his father: “It is a man’s job to provide for his wife.” He had not even been consciously aware that he had held on to this belief all these years. What helped him lessen his anxiety were her gentle reminders that they were in this together and that she did not hold him responsible. As they reverted to their normal process of finding solutions together his anxiety calmed.
When worried it is important to not keep it all to oneself. A typical reaction to anxiety is to revert to all-or-nothing thinking, to personalize the problem, and to lose perspective. Having a partner or friend with whom to talk things over can help to lessen the worries. When there is less anxiety, it becomes possible to start looking for how this crisis will impact the future and find solutions.
