When couples say they no longer communicate they mean that each one no longer feels heard and understood by the other. They are still communicating but it may be through silence, avoidance, yelling, put downs or many other ways that are hurtful. What they really want is to feel understood, be loved, and have skills for resolving differences.
Although communication occurs between two people each person can only take responsibility for their own part. The following tips are for raising awareness about individual communication habits.
Five points to keep in mind when communicating:
1. What are you saying?
How is your tone of voice? Are you on the attack? Are you being defensive? What is your body language?
What is your attitude? There is so much more to communication than the words you are using.
2. How well do you come across?
If you really want someone else to get what you are saying you have to pay attention to how you come across to the other person. That means being able to both pay attention to what and how you are saying things and how it is being received.
3. Stay in the present
One of the hardest things to do is to truly stay in the present if one has been feeling not understood. The tendency is to mentally operate from the past or worry about the future. It is only in the present where we can initiate change. If you are working on how you come across you have to implement it in the present.
4. Experience the other person
You want to listen so you experience the other person. You want to sense their frustration, their passion, their body language, their pain, their contempt, or whatever else you observe. When you become aware emotionally of what is going on then you are truly listening. In addition to the words you will be experiencing the whole interaction not just the words.
5. Communication is in between people
This is the key to good communication. It is the ability to pay attention to one’s own part while at the same time being objectively aware of how the other person communicates that leads to having the skills to successfully resolve differences.
Communication struggles cause a lot of pain in relationships. By knowing effective communication skills it becomes much easier to resolve differences.
If you are interested in learning effective communication skills I have put together a 12 module course which I call “Relationship Communication Simplified”. Each week you will receive a 7 to 12 page written report in your email in box on enhancing communication skills. To learn all about it please visit: http://www.communicatingwithease.com
