After an hour of exercising this morning I had coffee with two women at the gym. Each of them expressed frustration with their husbands. It all came down to communication difficulties. The husband of one got upset because she did not want to watch a TV special ( a show he knew she liked) with him. The real issue was that she had been at a neighbors baking cookies all evening and he was lonely. He was not able to say that directly instead he loudly insisted she watch the show. She was upset that he was yelling at her and snapped back that she was going to bed.
She added that she usually acquiesces or leaves the room. Neither is a satisfactory solution because this similar pattern keeps recurring. Such interchanges leave both of them frustrated. Here is a simple suggestion on what she could do differently next time. When he confronted her if she were to say ” I understand that I have not been around much and I have appreciated how tolerant you have been.” Hopefully he would have felt understood.. She could have decided to stay for a little while and also let him know that she would have to go to bed shortly since she was exhausted.
Arguments frequently result from not using words to really explain to the other person what is going on emotionally. Instead it may come out as blaming and criticizing. As soon as one person responds differently the communication system begins to change. I have a helpful 12 lesson series on skills for communicating with ease. You can find out more about it by going to http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com.
This is a good example of two people not being able to change a long standing pattern that leaves each feeling that the other one is unreasonable. Here are some ideas on how to change this frustrating interchange. When he husband showed his anger and frustration if she had been able to say to him “I can see that you are upset that I have not been around”. By validating what she could surmise he felt she could have agreed to sit with him for a little while and told him that she was tired and whe would make sure that they got to connect more the next day.
