I came across a quote by Galileo that has left me puzzled.  He said:”You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him discover it within himself.” As a life coach I have helped men and women discover and bring forth  their strength and passions which allowed them to expnd their lives.  They took the action. I assisted in opening their minds to knew possibilities. 

It is the first part of the quote “You cannot teach a man anything” that bothers me. I don’t believe that.  Knowing what to do makes a big difference in our lives.  My neighbor just had neck surgery.  Learning what to expect in recovery, having specific exercises that will strengthen the neck muscles and understanding the pace of recovery have all been extremely helpful in helping her emotionally deal with the slow recovery from this major surgery.

Much of my work has been in helping couples learn healthy communication skills. When couples have applied what they learned they discovered that they were willing to take risks with themselves and speak from the heart.

What is true about what Galileo says is that ultimately we each are responsible for ourselves.  He understood that it is up to each of us to discover who we are and what we are capable of doing.  My mother in her late eighties began crocheting afghans for her great grandchildren.  She knew how to crochet and was used to following patterns.  This time however she took  the bold step of designing each afghan herself  and created a unique personalized design for each afghan.  She did what Galileo said we all need. She discovered within her new talents and her work had  a purpose of providing a memory for her great grandchildren.

When you really want something the way to achieve it is to make an internal commitment.  You have to believe with all your heart that this is what you want and that you are willing to put time and effort into attaining it.  Your commitment might be to lose weight, start a new business, have a satisfying marriage, raise successful happy children,  publish the book that is inside you, run a marathon or sail across the ocean.  The goals are individual but the road of how to get there is similar.

The first step is to do a bit of soul searching in order to become clear as to why this matters so much to you.  This will get you in touch with your values, interests, and potential sacrifices. Next you make the commitment to yourself.  If what you will be doing has a real impact on others it would be good to let them know what your goal is. 

Having made the commitment to your goal you define and set set up the steps that will help you get there. You want to do this lightly so that when it becomes necessary to modify some of the steps you are willing to do so.  You will become focused in your actions as you move towards your  goal because  you believe that whatever you are trying to achieve is possible.

Much of my work has been with couples who want to rekindle their relationships.  I have seen over and over that when they make a commitment to this goal they open themselves up to learning new skills which will lead to growing togetgher. Or if the goal is to “be all I can be” it unleashes a desire to take wonderful good care of self emotionally and intellectually. Likewise, if the goal is to start a new business the commitment becomes the beacon that is as steadfast as a lighthouse. When  we make the commitment we show that we believe and trust ourselves to attain our goal.

Did you read the article about the new happiness pill which appeared in many papers?   The article claimed that this pill  could  become the greatest growing mood product. It is touted to be the answer to millions of Americans who are struggling to stay happy.  Just two pills a day will ease stress and anxiety and help you live a happier more active life.

As I read this I began to feel depressed..  How sad that so many people are looking for a pill to make them feel better. They were not talking about people who are clinically depressed rather this pill is for ordinary folk who would like to find an easy way to be happy.

I believe that the feeling of happiness is the result of  taking charge of one’s own life.  A pill will give temporary relief,  but unless the underlying conditions are changed ,it will not solve the unhappiness problem.  For instance, the pill is not going to alleviate marital conflict.   If someone is unhappy because of a weight issue  the happiness pill  would  not address this concern.  Likewise, a happiness pill is not going to take care of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction. Whoever in the family takes the happiness pill is most likely going to tolerate a situation that is detrimental to all in the family a bit longer.   Unless real change is introduced the underlying problem will not be alleviated.

What about using the natural mood enhancer that is the result of engaging in exercising.?  Or eating the kinds of foods that give one energy?  Or learning to change communication patterns that are negative and work on having a positive attitude about life?  All of those efforts take commitment and persistence in order to produce lasting change.

My worry about the happiness pill is that it becomes a cover-up for addressing life situations that can be changes.  It is easy to swallow a few pills daily.  It is harder to put time and effort into learning to truly take good care of self.  The effort is worth it because there will be the long term result of having created lasting happiness.

Have you found yourself in the situation where you have become a reactor in your own life? You are so busy reacting to external committments and demands that you are no longer paying attention to what you want.  I have been at that place and it is  scary. I remember vividly feeling that I was disappearing. How do you regain control over yourself?  Here are three steps to guide you.

1. Raise your self-awareness

By that I mean admitting to yourself that you have to regroup.  Operating as a reactor diminishes you as a person.  You end up responding to other people’s agendas without being able to give honest input as to if that is also what you want for yourself.  Work and relationship committments are the main areas that can take over one’s life. Unless one finds a way to regroup it will eventually lead to burn-out.

2. Begin viewing yourself as a separate entity

This may sound simplistic but it really is the key to introducing change.  For instance if you are constantly responding to your children’s or spouses demands without consciously thinking about your needs you will respond as if you are on automatic pilot.  You will keep doing the same thing because you are responding out of habit.

3. Be an Actor in your life

When you start objectively looking at your behavior you are on the road to being able to start introducing change.  Pick one thing you want to do differently and then take action to strengthen your voice.  By reclaiming your voice you can begin to think first of all “What do I want” when someone makes a request of you.  To have a sense of control in your life you have to be vigilant to make sure that yu remain an active participant in your life.

Have you ever watched the TV show called THE BIG LOSER?  It is a show about very overweight men and women who want to lose weight. Most have struggled for years with unsuccessful dieting and see this as their last chance. It is a very strenuous program consisting of intense physical exercise and learning to make a mindset shift. The people who make a genuine commitment to give their all are the ones who end up being successful at meeting their goals.

I like how clearly “The Biggest Loser” demonstrates the three steps necessary for making successfull changes. 

1. First is the decision to do something
2. Then comes the internal commitment to yourself to do it
3. Lastly it is setting up clear steps on how to achieve the desired goal

Have you engaged in the New Year’s ritual of setting new goals? I sure have. Looking back I can say that many of them fell by the wayside after a few weeks. What was missing was the three pronged structure.  Indeed I would make decisions to make certain changes. In retrospect I can see that they were look warm decision because I did not make a true commitment to it nor did I set up a realistic step by step sturcture for achieving what I said I wanted. 

For years I would say to myself that I really needed to get on a regular exercise program.  I would start and stop and start again.  It wasn’t until one day I decided that I was kidding myself when I said that I was too busy to exercise.  It was true I was busy but I found time by spending less time reading the newspaper and  getting up when the alarm went off rather than pushing the snooze alarm.  I finally started to have  consistent success when I decided exercise was important, made a commitment to my self that I had to do it at least three times a week, and joined a gym and made a concrete plan for when I would exercise.

 The big difference was that I no longer gave myself a choice. The result has been that I have felt good physically and pleased that that I have taken responsibility for my physical well being. . There are other areas in my life where I need to apply the same formula.  Change takes persistence and effort but the results are well worth it.

I was among the millions of people who watched Oprah’s very last show from Chicago. Over the past 25 years I have tuned in off and on and  liked the way she connected to the issues that people face.  Her parting message was about worthiness. Oprah understood  that most of us struggle with a sense of unworthiness. We want validation from others and block our own blessings by worrying are we worthy enough. She emphasized  that we need to remind ourselves  that we are worthy just because we are here.

Oprah showed a snippet of a previous show  where a woman shared that when she was admired for her achievements  her inner voice  was crying out “do you hear me, do you see me, am I worthy”.  Her inner pain yearned for validation of her worthiness and the external accolades did not meet that need.

I recently coached a  man who was feeling  utterly worthless.  He had been a very successful business man and his identity was tied to his job.  What he had not developed was a solid sense of inner worth.  I challenged him to put his energy into  growing  in the areas that he had neglected.  Once he accepted the truism that people can grow and change at any age he opened himself  up and discovered  strengths and interests that had been dormant all these years. As he learned to validate his essence and take action his sense of worthiness expanded.

Self-worth  is the ability to value one’s self and to treat oneself with love and dignity.  Adults who want to live vibrantly have the opportunity to unlearn limiting beliefs and build a strong sense of inner self worth.  The way to do that is by learning effective communication and relationship skills that lead to feeling good on the inside and in relationship with others.

A friend sent me a link to a YouTube video on The Power of Words. You will see how by just changing the written words the same message is dramatically changed.  I urge you to see it a