Build a Strong Personal Foundation » relationships

Relationship Help For You

admin — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 20:36:53 +0000

As most of you know I believe the most effective way to work on a relationship is to work on self. That is why I focus on building a strong personal foundation. It is when we feel in charge of our own lives that we can objectively and honestly relate with another. When two people have a clear sense of self they relate by appreciating each others differences and through love.

Just as there are many steps one can take to increase self confidence likewise there are many useful communication and relationship tips that will enhance life together. Relationships and individuals need to be attended to in order to remain vibrant.

I have just put up a new web site http://www.relationshiphelpforyou.com where you can find specific ideas for rekindling your relationship. You can immediately access a free short report and an audio recording which will give you tips and strategies for rekindling your relationship. Check back often because I will be adding new material frequently.

Is Marriage Still Useful?

admin — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 19:07:27 +0000

I read a blurb today put out by the European Union (consisting of 27 nations) stating that the number of children born out of wedlock has doubled in the last twenty years. The country with the highest out of wedlock birth rate, 59%, is Estonia. Since I am originally from Estonia I was very interested in this statistic.

It was in the summer of 2009 that I last visited Estonia. There I met parents in their twenties and early thirties that definitely fit this trend. They saw little need to get married. Yet both parents were living with their children and devoted to raising them together.

I would be very interested in knowing how many of these out of wedlock children were being raised in a two parent family. One of my cousin’s children shared that he and the mother of his two children were thinking of getting married. It was not because they felt they needed to for their children but rather that they wanted to make that commitment to each other.

A few years ago I knew a couple from Germany who came to the States for 2 or 3 years. They had gotten married when they came to the US in order to be able to be on the same health plan and they feared that their children would be stigmatized if their parents were not married. They saw no need to marry in Germany because there was no stigma to not being married. What mattered to them was their commitment to each other and to their two sons.

When my husband and I got married we cherished having our family and friends present as we made our public commitment of love to each other. I would like couples to have the freedom to make the decision to get married or not based on what they think is right for them.

What Is Real Love?

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 06:30:11 +0000

“Real love is a decision to do life long work by becoming a caring companion.” When I read this recently it put love into a different context for me. I had not thought of it in that way. Yet I think there is so much truth to that statement. It takes commitment and effort to make a relationship work. Even more than that becoming a caring companion involves learning to experience the other with empathy and love.

When two people first fall in love they are physically and emotionally drawn to each other. They want to learn everything about each other and are ardently focused on each other. Gradually this ardor shifts because the realities of work and daily obligations have to also be attended to.

It is easy with the stresses of daily responsibilities to lose sight of how to keep the relationship vibrant. There has to be a commitment to grow the relationship in addition to developing oneself. It is always a balancing act for each individual to take care of own self-mastery while both simultaneously having to nurture their relationship. Love grows from enjoying each others company, working together on common goals, supporting each others interests, and sharing love through physical and emotional connection.

When you are rekindling a relationship you are bringing back the closeness which may have been pushed aside over the years. There is another reason why couples are working on rekindling their relationship. I see increasingly more people who desire to take their relationship to an entirely new level. They want a deep emotional commitment which allows each to be an authentic self while at the same time they want to feel the joy of having a loving caring companion.

Relationship Development Leads To Self-Mastery

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 10:37:20 +0000

Relationships work best if each partner takes responsibility for his/her own growth. By doing that each is free to give to and grow their relationship. Neither one has the burden of holding up the other instead each is autonomous and they are together because they feel that life is richer as a result.

There is no getting away from it we are always growing. Inside us is a blueprint that propels us through the growth stages from childhood into adulthood and beyond. Some of what happens to us in life is out of our control. Yet we have control over how we grow emotionally and how we take care of our minds and bodies. Likewise we generally have a choice in what partners we choose to share our life with.

Here are 7 skills that aid self-mastery:

1. Just thinking about what you want doesn’t get you what you want.

2. It is only by doing that you move forward.

3. Learn to trust your inklings. You know best what is right for you.

4. Unhook yourself from what you think others need and expect from you.

5. Stop comparing yourself to others.

6. Make a commitment to yourself that you are willing to put time and energy into going after your dreams.

7. Take action in the present and you will get to where you want to go.

Closeness: This Is Different In Men Than It Is In Women

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 21:10:30 +0000

Since I am known for helping couples rekindle their relationships I am frequently asked what to do when the spark is gone. We all need a spark both personally and in our relationship in order to feel good about our life.

Recently I came across a new book by Terry L.Orbuch called 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. This book is based on having studied 373 couples for more than 20 years. She shows that there is scientific validation that relationships/marriages need rekindling in order to go from good to great. The author concludes that passion and excitement in a relationship needs newness, mystery and arousal.

She found in her research that ” men use or have sex to feel closeness. Sex makes them feel close and creates intimacy with another person. Women, however, need to have closeness (or intimacy) before they want sex.”

This difference in how men and women view closeness is important to look at when trying to reignite the spark. Touch and physical connection is equally important as emotional closeness. I have seen couples stuck at wanting their partner to feel closeness in the way he/she does. Once they accept that the task for them is respect the differences and find ways to please each other they are able to take their relationship to a new level.

Having Dreams

admin — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 02:47:52 +0000

I am convinced that all of us have dreams inside us that we yearn to fulfill. Yet we can miss out on enjoying life if we do not simultaneously keep our focus on living fully in the present.

Last night I saw the movie UP. The lead character is a 78 year old grieving widower who follows the life long dream his wife and he had to visit Paradise Falls in South America. He flies there in his house that is pulled aloft be the most fantastic array of brightly colored helium balloons. To his dismay he discovers that he has inadvertently brought a long a young boy who happened to be on the porch when the house took flight. While aloft he finds a photo album which his wife had put together of their life together which shows that she saw her whole life with him to have been an adventure. Our old man reaches the Falls, has his share of adventures, and returns home with a warm love for the little boy and a renewed zest for living.

I liked the fact that this movie depicted the importance of love and sharing. We see that the old man and his wife shared love and adventure throughout their life together. At the end of the movie we see the old man happily enjoying the companionship of Russel, the boy, and Dug, the dog they acquired on this adventure.

We need both the joy of making our dreams a reality and being fully present in our life every day.

Supportive Partner Stops Being Supportive

admin — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:07:21 +0000

You are excited. You finally took the big step to pursue what you have been wanting to do for a long time. You are energized and feel yourself evolving in new directions. Although at times you are scared and feel uncertain you stay focused and start having success.

Then comes the clincher. Your partner, who initially was supportive, is starting to complain, question, raise concerns and make new demands. You are taken a back and question if it is worth it to continue this new venture if it puts such stress on your relationship. This is a critical time in a relationship.

Here are some ideas to keep in mind if you find yourself in such a situation:

1. Whenever one person makes changes it affects the other person.
The equilibrium that you had between you is being tested. The longer you are involved in your new pursuits the less sure your partner will be as to his/her continued place in your life. As the established pattern shifts there will be a period of uncertainty.

2. Stay focused on what you are doing but with added sensitivity to your partners’ needs.
When you realize that it is normal for your partner to feel stress because you have shifted the familiar balance it will be easier to offer reassurance to your partner.

3. You can create a new balance that will enrich both of your lives
When one person makes changes the other will have to change also. At first there will be the expected resistance, followed by anxiety, and finally acceptance that things will be different between both of you. People who are building a strong personal foundation understand that these kinds of adjustments to individual changes are part and parcel of healthy relationships.

The Relationship Effect

admin — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:43:36 +0000

Has this happened to you? You are in a good mood and then your partner says something and “puff” your mood changes. This is the relationship effect. It can show up in many different ways but invariably is reflects abdication of control over oneself to someone else.

Let me share an example. Here is the scene. It is morning. Claudia is in the kitchen making breakfast. She is in a good mood. Mark enters the kitchen and growls “where is the paper”. He sits down, picks up the paper, and begins to eat. He looks up and comments that his eggs are cold. Claudia crumbles on the inside. She says to herself I never do anything right, I can’t please him etc. From that moment on she slips into a depressive funk. Mark gets up and warms up his eggs in the microwave. She interprets his action as “he is mad at me”.

Mark and Claudia are caught in a pattern that is unhealthy for both of them. Claudia had many choices in how she could have responded to Mark. She acted as if there was only one choice. Claudia personalized Mark’s comment about the eggs as if there was something wrong with her. Since Mark didn’t say anything further she made her own interpretation that he was mad at her. It would have helped if he would have said that he had a lot on his mind or that he was in a foul mood. He didn’t say it and she did not comment on his behavior. Instead Claudia took it all on that she was mot OK.

Couples can easily find themselves in a similar situation. How they respond will make a big difference as to if this becomes a communication struggle or not. For instance Claudia, if she had not personalized the situation, could have commented that Mark sure seemed to be having a tough morning. His mood was not about her. Yet she altered her mood to reflect his.

When you believe you are in control of yourself it becomes easier to see the other person objectively and to accept the other as separate with own struggles, moods, frustrations and joys and desires.

Making a Commitment

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 22:33:46 +0000

I have just been listening to Tiger Woods who gave a press conference. This time he really seemed to understand the emotional ramifications of his behavior both for himself and for his marriage. His infidelity was a betrayal of their marital commitment. Only time will tell if his wife and he can repair their marriage.

A few days ago I read an article in The Washington Post about a couple who have been married twenty-five years. They talk about the ups and downs including her cancer. They think that their marriage thrived because of their firm commitment to their wedding vows. Over the years they learned to trust that what ever came their way they would get through it together. He would be there for her and she would be there for him. They see themselves still evolving as individuals and feel that the best years of their marriage are still ahead of them.

Being married 43 years I can only concur with the couple above that it takes a commitment to each other to get through the challenges that life brings. The idea that we were in this together was for me a beacon to hold up in front of me. It meant not only thinking of my own needs and desires but also what was best for US.

From listening to Tiger it looks like he is growing emotionally as an individual. If his relationship with his wife survives will depend very much on each ones willingness and desire to rekindle trust and love in their marriage.

From Helpless to Taking Action

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 03:53:27 +0000

The last seven days have been filled with news of the devastating earthquake in Haiti. I feel for all the people who are desperate to find food, medical care, a place to sleep, and are looking for their loved ones or grieving their loss. They are right now helpless to solve many of these concerns themselves and have to rely on the generosity of others to provide for them. Their needs are overwhelming. I would like to do more than give money and end feel helpless that there is so little I can do.

I have worked with people who have felt helpless in their relationships. These have not been relationships where there is a genuine reason to be afraid. Instead it has been a helplessness of their own making although they have not seen it as such. Instead the person who has felt helpless was deferring to the spouse when it came to making decisions. Gradually that lead to an abdication of ones own power resulting in feeling powerless.

The way to change from feeling helpless is to take action. The first action is to ask “what do I want”. That is the way to get back in touch with ones own essence. I like the following quote by Galileo: “You can not teach a man anything, you have to help him find it within himself”.

Ultimately the people in Haiti will have to go inside themselves and find the strength to rebuild their lives. When they do that they will no longer be helpless.