The [...]]]>

We interact in many different kinds of relationships.  There are our family members, co-workers, friends, our neighbors, the mailman, colleagues, and many others.  Some of these relationships are superficial while others greatly impact our lives.  Ask yourself which of those enhance your life and which limit you or are not good for you.

The ones that enhance your life do not need to be upgraded.  You may want to make them even more rewarding. If you have people in your life who pull you down you may have to rethink as to why you allow people into your life that affect you negatively.  Relationships that sap your vibrancy need to be upgraded or let go.

We have two different kind of relationships: our family relationships and then the ones we choose.  Family relationships are often hard to walk away from.  Yet there, if we keep in mind that we can not change the other person, we do have control over ourselves.  For instance anyone who is living with an alcoholic or a drug addict will have to face the sad fact that he/she has no control over the substance abuser because the abusers primary relationship is with the substance.  The person you can upgrade is yourself.  When you upgrade you will no longer try to monitor or fix the other instead you will start putting your energy into taking action in areas that are in your control.

A benefit of building a strong personal foundation is that we start upgrading our lives.  As we take responsibility for upgrading ourselves we no longer are willing to put up with relationships that keep pulling us down.   In addition to our biological community we can also choose our relationships.  A  real benefit of these chosen communities is being able to form relationships that bring out the best in us. When we do that we continue to upgrade who we are.   Often family communities can be upgraded, on rare occasions they are so toxic that they need to be let go.

The fact that we can have both a biological and a chosen community  enriches  our lives.  By taking responsibility to upgrade who we are our change affects how we relate in our relationships.  We start expecting more of ourselves and  stop allowing others to manipulate or devalue us because we have learned to love ourselves.

For instance, if you have a boss who micro manages it [...]]]>

Couple relationships are more than the two individuals.  That is because the relationship becomes a separate entity.  Consequently, changes that an individual makes will have an impact on the relationship balance. This is just as true in personal relationships as in work relationships.

For instance, if you have a boss who micro manages it will difficult to bring forth what you are capable of doing.  You will feel that you are constantly being monitored and having to justify what you are doing. If instead you have a boss who is a mentors by coaching you will instead discover your own strengths and abilities. In one situation you wither in the other you thrive.

The same is true in personal relationships.  If two people have a relationship of equality they will handle whatever comes up in a respectful fair way.  However, if the relationship is based on one person having more power than the other the relationship balance is tilted towards reinforcing the power.  In such a relationship one person will not be able to relate freely but rather end of squelching vital parts in order to keep the relationship in this equilibrium.

I help men and women strengthen their personal foundation so that they can create relationships which allow them the freedom to be who they are.

The first mistake is expecting the exciting falling in love stage [...]]]>

Couples start out with great hopes of living ever after.  Even if there are problems present somehow they get pushed aside and the hope persists. Sadly, for many it does not work out that way.  I have observed common mistakes in this thinking.

The first mistake is expecting the exciting falling in love stage to continue indefinitely. That is not understanding that love goes through stages. The initial falling in love stage is exciting. That is when the focus is on the partner: wanting to please the loved one and to know all about him/her.  Both people are generous with showing love and interest towards each other.

The second mistake is not accepting that the falling in love stage has to change.  There are specific tasks that couples have to handle like how do we support ourselves, how do we handle food, how do we deal with relatives, how or if to have children. and how to handle intimacy.  In the falling in love stage there are far fewer demands on the relationship.

The next time I write I will talk about three other mistakes that couples make.

When we [...]]]>

“You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them” is a quote by Michael Jordan.  It is evident that he expected a lot from himself and worked hard to achieve excellence in basketball and life.   I think that expectations are powerful.  I see expectations  as being different from  goals.

When we have goals we can set steps for how to achieve them.  We may attain them or not.  Expectations have to do with our sense of self and reflect how we value ourselves. However directions that are truly driven  by our expectations of ourselves,  propel us forward toward what we envision for ourselves. I think this is the kind of expectation Michael Jordan must have had of  himself.

When we are in relationships we have to balance the expectations we have of ourselves, with the expectations of our partner, and what our expectations are of the relationship.  This three fold task involves a sharing of hopes and dreams with each other and a formulation of joint expectations.

Then  if a couple  also adds children there is the  balancing of the child’s expectations of him/herself and the realistic  assessment of potential that guide the parent’s expectations.

After raising three children I think that besides loving them the most important contribution we made was to expect them to use whatever talents and gifts they had while  teaching them effective skills for managing life responsibly.

I think  that it is through  self-growth  that positive changes occur in  marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the [...]]]>

I have been asked as to why on this site I stress  both self-growth and relationship skills.  Why not just focus on one or the other.  In my mind they are linked.

I think  that it is through  self-growth  that positive changes occur in  marriages/relationships. The stronger one’s self-worth (the result of self-growth) the easier it becomes to see the partner as a separate unique person.  This clearer sense of self makes it possible to look at conflicts objectively and jointly look for solutions. By valuing who we are we can love others.

Molly and Doug are a couple who have struggled in their marriage.  They both feel emotionally vulnerable and easily become defensive and upset with the other.  They tend to blame each other for their unhappiness. They   have had to look for and appreciate their own strengths and uniqueness instead of waiting for the partner to make him/her OK.  As they have taken responsibility to let each other know what they think and feel they have been able to proceed with finding solutions to many of their concerns.  Over the next couple weeks I will be developing many of these ideas further.

Look for my new website http://www.Rekindle Your Relationship.com in another two weeks. There you will find a free 33 Tips booklet on Rekindling Your Love.

After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that [...]]]>

There is no magic answer to rekindling a relationship. There is no one thing that will quickly turn things around.  Yet many couples are able to achieve a new closeness in their relationship.  You may well ask ” how do they do it?”

After helping many couples rekindle their relationship I have found that there are three things that make a difference.

1. There is a willingness to put time and effort into making changes because each feels that preserving the relationship/marriage still matters.

2. Each is willing to confront  how he/she contributes to the relationship struggles

3. They are open  to learning  new relationship and communication skills.

Relationships that work well allow each person the freedom to be him/herself.  Together they decide how these individual needs can be incorporated into their relationship so it will strengthen togetherness.

We live in a quick fix culture.  Rekindling a relationship is not a quick fix. Instead it is a journey of new discovery about each other.  There has to be a recognition that people and their interests evolve over years and that these changes need to be dealt with.  What I see is that most couple’s lives are busy and have become routine. They do not take the time out to let each other know about their inner hopes, frustrations, unhappiness and desires.  When they talk about these inner matters with each other they are well on the road to rekindling their relationship.

Yet many of us accomplish the most when we have a challenge.  I [...]]]>

One of my mentors, Connie Ragen Green, has just presented a thirty day Power Blogging Challenge. That means making a blog entry daily until Jan. 7 when the challenge ends.  Not an easy assignment when it falls right during the holidays.

Yet many of us accomplish the most when we have a challenge.  I know that it motivates me.  Consistency is something that I have struggled with.  After an initial overwhelm feeling  as I think about the next thirty days I shifted my attitude to seeing this as a welcome challenge.

In my work with individuals and couples I frequently give assignments.  I talk about how it takes 21 days to change a habit.  I have never found out how this was determined but I do know that doing something daily makes all the difference.

I am coaching a woman right now who wants to change her  habit of keeping quiet when she knows she needs to speak up.  She chose as her assignment  the task to bring a concern  up daily with her partner.   She shared as to  how she had learned to silence her voice as a child.  This silencing  happens primarily in close relationships because she uses her voice effectively professionally  She realized that she was still repeating a habit form childhood that she no longer needed.  Instead it was limiting her authenticity  in this relationship.

Now 14 days into her assignment she told me today that speaking up is getting easier and she likes how she feels when she does it.

Over the next thirty days I would welcome questions from my readers.  In addition to writing about self growth and strengthening relationships I will also share  tips for dealing with holiday stress.