Today is Valentine’s Day.  My husband reminded me that 45 years ago we had our engagement party on this day.  For years Valentine’s Day brought back memories of that special day.  Today it was his reminder that brought the memory back.  I like to think that the reason I no longer think of that special Valentine’s Day is that there are so many special times that we have shared over all the years.  Not all of it has been easy.  We have had to work through frustrations and misunderstandings in order for both of us to be OK.  Like all couples we brought our fears and insecurities into the relationship and had to learn to accept each other as the imperfect beings we were.  We realized we had to mature  a bit in  how we communicated so that we could  grow as individuals and as a couple and as parents.

It takes practice to communicate clearly and in a way that is growth producing.  I certainly find that when I am upset and angry it is so much easier to go into the attack and blame mode.  I have had to learn to manage my emotions so that I stay in control of myself so that I can hear what my husband has to say and express clearly what it is that bothers me. It takes consistent practice to change habits of reacting.  Our relationship has deepened over the years because we have learned to appreciate our differences and found ways to grow together.

I believe that couples need to know about the process of relating as partners so that they can give and receive love.  Communication habits can be changed if there is a willingness to put effort into building a strong personal foundation and there is a commitment to shared love.

Did you know that we need change in life in order to feel vibrant?   We need it as individuals and also in our relationships. It is newness that revitalizes us and keeps us energized.  Relationships need periodic rekindling. Marriages  settle into predictable patterns of interacting.  This may work well for many years  but at some point one person will indicate that he/she wants some changes.  How the couple handles this need for change  is very important.

One of the ground rules of relationship success is that both people have to be OK. If one person is unhappy the relationship is no longer OK.  This  is a signal that they have to together start figuring out what it will take for both of them to be happy again.  Sometimes it may be that one person needs to make individual changes other times it may well be a sign that the couple has settled into a  pattern that is no longer working.

Carl and Mary fall into this latter category.  Their relationship looked like it worked  for both of them for many years.  They were busy with their careers and activities but had very little meaningful time with each other.  Then one day Carl in a frustrating outburst  expressed that he was unhappy with their relationship.

Carl’s outburst scared Mary since she had no idea he felt that way.  She had been so sure that as a couple they were fine. As she thought about it, she had to admit that they had grown apart.  Their life had fallen into a predictable pattern and  needed  an infusion of caring for each other and activities that they enjoyed.  They realized that their relationship needed rekindling so that they again could be happy together.

Have you ever felt devalued?  That is when regardless what you do you get relentless belittling and put downs.  A friend of mine experienced that at work.  She got a new boss whose approach to leading was by finding something to criticize.   After a while my friend started doubting  herself because the relentless chronic  criticisms began to erode her self-confidence.  She is a highly educated woman with and an impressive publication list.  Her previous boss had led by empowering his staff.  The change in confidence happened gradually to my friend.  Once she faced what was happening she was able to initiate changes in order to regain control over her work situation.

The same belittling sadly happens in marriages.  That is when one spouse puts  the other one down.  By making statements like -you are lucky you are with me, no one else would put up with you, you will be a bag lady, you are no good -  self confidence erodes.   Gradually fear that the other is right turns into no longer believing in oneself and inaction. Fear has  chipped  away at self-confidence.

Devaluing another is abusive.  Bullies need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better. The devalued person can regain control by taking power back over  his/her own life by taking action that leads to change.

I was asked the other day if there was one thing I could recommend that would improve relationships.  I came  up with many little things that would have immediate positive effects. For instance treating the other  with kindness, showing appreciation and love, going away for a special weekend etc. Yet, I wanted to give an answer that would have a lasting positive effect on the relationship.

I think that  the most important thing any one can do to improve their relationship is to build a strong personal foundation.  It is by continuing to grow and strengthen who we  are we develop a healthy sense of self worth.  When we do that we end up feeling in charge of our lives and willingly take responsibility for our actions.  This makes it possible for us to not personalize whatever someone else says or does.  When we are able to be objective we see whatever the other person says or does as something we have to cope with and not as something that defines our worth.

By building a strong personal foundation  we become  sure of what our values are and  grow in trusting our feelings and thinking.  Interacting with a partner in an intimate relationship will not be based on hope that the other will make us whole.  Truly loving is then defined as not putting strings on each other but rather by an appreciation that the relationship will enhance our life.

I read an interesting observation today stressing a big drawback of living together before marriage.  The reason given was  that  many people begin to live together before they have had a chance to experience what it is like to be independent. As a result they miss out on the growing up step of standing on their own two feet. It is no wonder than that the desire for independence vs. also the desire for togetherness becomes an issue in many marriages. It is a dilemma I have witnessed over and over.

My specialty is relationship building.  I believe that the  major task when working with couples  is to help each person take full responsibility for self. .  By that I mean  that they own what they feel and think and can objectively hear the other person.   When they can do that working on their couple issues becomes easy.  At that point each will have a clear sense of what he/she  wants for self and what each  wants their marriage/relationship to look like.  Then the relationship issues  become a balancing of the needs of each while simultaneously building a relationship that enhances each individual’s  life.