Are you working on your life or are caught up in the daily demands of living? This question was posed Jeanette Cates in a slightly different way.  She asked:  are you working on your business or in your business.  She made a good point that when we work on the business we will be successful since the details of running the business (the IN) become clearer when we know where we are headed.

I think this idea is equally applicable to how we lead our life.  When we know the direction we are headed we will be energized and can figure out the way to get there.  The first is the big picture the second become the action steps on how to get there. I know that for me when I decided that it was important for me to take care of my body it was the beginning of many changes.  As someone who talked big about wanting to exercise but hardly ever found time for it I knew I had to stop talking and start doing.  However it wasn’t until I truly committed to working on my life that exercise became a regular part of my life. Surprisingly it took   minor shifts in my schedule to make it happen. I began doing to the gym instead of reading the paper in the morning.

It has been that way in other areas of my life also.  When I have been clear on what I am working on in my life I become focused.  Yet whenever I get caught up in working in my life without it being anchored to a bigger picture I end up being busy but not productive.  When you work on your life you are strengthening your personal foundation.

Recently I came across a great visual for empowerment “Get out of the backseat and get behind the steering wheel.” When you are in the driver’s seat and want to start moving you have to take action.  Turn on the ignition, put the car in drive, and follow the road.  If you don’t take those steps you will stand still. It is the driver who has to start the process of getting started.

It  takes little energy to stay in the backseat; however, gradually it will lead to feeling stifled. Whenever we settle for less than we are capable off we short change ourselves.  It takes energy to get out of the backseat and take responsibility to be in the driver’s seat and choose the path we want to be on. First of all you have to believe that you can change the condition of your life.  Secondly, you have to take action to make change happen.

I believe that inside every one of us is a drive that propels us to grow and expect more of ourselves.  It is when we ignore this inner voice that we are apt to settle for the backseat. Energy comes from feeling in charge of the direction of our lives.  We have to take action in order to create energy for ourselves.  For example, we can do that by eating nutritious foods, exercising, getting adequate rest, having positive relationships etc.  When we take care of ourselves we become energized and discover that we are no longer in the backseat but instead are in the front seat.  There is a new found feeling of empowerment in being able to choose the direction we want our life to take.

When you really want something the way to achieve it is to make an internal commitment.  You have to believe with all your heart that this is what you want and that you are willing to put time and effort into attaining it.  Your commitment might be to lose weight, start a new business, have a satisfying marriage, raise successful happy children,  publish the book that is inside you, run a marathon or sail across the ocean.  The goals are individual but the road of how to get there is similar.

The first step is to do a bit of soul searching in order to become clear as to why this matters so much to you.  This will get you in touch with your values, interests, and potential sacrifices. Next you make the commitment to yourself.  If what you will be doing has a real impact on others it would be good to let them know what your goal is. 

Having made the commitment to your goal you define and set set up the steps that will help you get there. You want to do this lightly so that when it becomes necessary to modify some of the steps you are willing to do so.  You will become focused in your actions as you move towards your  goal because  you believe that whatever you are trying to achieve is possible.

Much of my work has been with couples who want to rekindle their relationships.  I have seen over and over that when they make a commitment to this goal they open themselves up to learning new skills which will lead to growing togetgher. Or if the goal is to “be all I can be” it unleashes a desire to take wonderful good care of self emotionally and intellectually. Likewise, if the goal is to start a new business the commitment becomes the beacon that is as steadfast as a lighthouse. When  we make the commitment we show that we believe and trust ourselves to attain our goal.

Did you read the article about the new happiness pill which appeared in many papers?   The article claimed that this pill  could  become the greatest growing mood product. It is touted to be the answer to millions of Americans who are struggling to stay happy.  Just two pills a day will ease stress and anxiety and help you live a happier more active life.

As I read this I began to feel depressed..  How sad that so many people are looking for a pill to make them feel better. They were not talking about people who are clinically depressed rather this pill is for ordinary folk who would like to find an easy way to be happy.

I believe that the feeling of happiness is the result of  taking charge of one’s own life.  A pill will give temporary relief,  but unless the underlying conditions are changed ,it will not solve the unhappiness problem.  For instance, the pill is not going to alleviate marital conflict.   If someone is unhappy because of a weight issue  the happiness pill  would  not address this concern.  Likewise, a happiness pill is not going to take care of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction. Whoever in the family takes the happiness pill is most likely going to tolerate a situation that is detrimental to all in the family a bit longer.   Unless real change is introduced the underlying problem will not be alleviated.

What about using the natural mood enhancer that is the result of engaging in exercising.?  Or eating the kinds of foods that give one energy?  Or learning to change communication patterns that are negative and work on having a positive attitude about life?  All of those efforts take commitment and persistence in order to produce lasting change.

My worry about the happiness pill is that it becomes a cover-up for addressing life situations that can be changes.  It is easy to swallow a few pills daily.  It is harder to put time and effort into learning to truly take good care of self.  The effort is worth it because there will be the long term result of having created lasting happiness.

‘You are not listening’ is a common outburst when two people are frustrated with each other.  Usually they are trying to discuss something  and the interaction has become emotionally charged.  Unless they find a way to calm down it becomes hard to find a satisfactory solution to the conflict.  That is because when people  are emotionally agitated they can not think rationally.  Thus when couples say they have a communication problem the real problem is in what is happening emotionally between them.  The reason they can not hear each other  is that they are caught up in a relationship pattern which at that moment  is not working for them.

What to do when one is reacting emotionally to what is being said.   Here are some simple suggestions to try.  The main objective is to find a way to calm down enough in order to be able to think clearly again.  Here are two things to do:  1. Breathe deeply from the diaphragm – when agitated breathing becomes shallow and we start hyperventilating. 2. Begin silently counting at least to thirty or more so you get back in touch with your cognitive brain.  Only after you are calm enough can you figure out what you want to do next.  You could say to your partner ” I really want to hear what you have to say and when you are done I would like you to listen to my ideas”.  Depending on the situation  you may want to say that you need to take a time out and would like to continue the discussion later.  Be sure to set a specific time so the conflict can get resolved.

Communication in intimate relationships involves emotions.  The better we understand the dynamics between the two people the easier it becomes to treat each other with civility and understanding.  Then love and caring can come to the forefront.

I am currently working on a learning guide which I am calling  Relationship Communication Simplified..  Be sure to check back at http://www.kristinavonrosenvinge.com for the launch date. Often all it takes is knowing how to make simple changes in order to strengthen communication in relationships.

I was among the millions of people who watched Oprah’s very last show from Chicago. Over the past 25 years I have tuned in off and on and  liked the way she connected to the issues that people face.  Her parting message was about worthiness. Oprah understood  that most of us struggle with a sense of unworthiness. We want validation from others and block our own blessings by worrying are we worthy enough. She emphasized  that we need to remind ourselves  that we are worthy just because we are here.

Oprah showed a snippet of a previous show  where a woman shared that when she was admired for her achievements  her inner voice  was crying out “do you hear me, do you see me, am I worthy”.  Her inner pain yearned for validation of her worthiness and the external accolades did not meet that need.

I recently coached a  man who was feeling  utterly worthless.  He had been a very successful business man and his identity was tied to his job.  What he had not developed was a solid sense of inner worth.  I challenged him to put his energy into  growing  in the areas that he had neglected.  Once he accepted the truism that people can grow and change at any age he opened himself  up and discovered  strengths and interests that had been dormant all these years. As he learned to validate his essence and take action his sense of worthiness expanded.

Self-worth  is the ability to value one’s self and to treat oneself with love and dignity.  Adults who want to live vibrantly have the opportunity to unlearn limiting beliefs and build a strong sense of inner self worth.  The way to do that is by learning effective communication and relationship skills that lead to feeling good on the inside and in relationship with others.

My answer is probably very similar to what most people would answer: yes/but.  The but is for not wanting to live so long that my mind and body no longer represent who I am.  Recently I went to a workshop on longevity.  It was interesting to learn what a difference a healthy lifestyle has on aging well. In order to live to a hundred we all would like to be healthy and of sound mind. There is a lot we can learn from the lifestyles of the healthy centenarians.

In my last column I talked about the value of making positive changes in ones life on a consistent basis  instead of being propelled into making changes because of a crisis.At the conference I learned about the way the Costa Ricans live that leads to a long and healthy life.

The average Costa Rican man at age 60 years has twice the chance to reach age 90 years as a man in France, Japan or the U.S.  Here are some of their life style practices: having a strong sense of purpose, contributing to the community, keeping a focus on the family, consuming fewer calories mostly from a vegetarian diet, working physically hard and maintaining social networks with lots of laughter and talking.

There are  life style practices of the Costa Ricans that we would do well to emulate. I am especially thinking of their strong focus on family and how they enjoy their social connections.