After an hour of exercising this morning I had coffee with two women at the gym.   Each of them expressed frustration with their husbands.  It all came down to communication difficulties.  The husband of one got upset because she did not want to watch a TV special ( a show he knew she liked) with him.  The real issue was that she had been at a neighbors baking cookies all evening and he was lonely.  He was not able to say that directly instead he loudly insisted she watch the show.  She was upset that he was yelling at her and snapped back that she was going to bed.

 She added that she usually acquiesces or leaves the room.  Neither is a satisfactory solution because this similar pattern keeps recurring.  Such interchanges leave both of them  frustrated.  Here is a simple suggestion on what she could do differently next time.  When he confronted her if she were to say ” I understand that I have not been around much and I have appreciated how tolerant you have been.” Hopefully he would have felt understood..  She could have decided to stay for a little while and also let him know that she would have to go to bed shortly since she was exhausted.

Arguments frequently result from not using words to really explain to the other person what is going on emotionally. Instead it may come out as blaming and criticizing.  As soon as one person responds differently the communication system begins to change. I have a helpful 12 lesson series on skills for communicating with ease.  You can find out more about it by going to http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com.

This is a good example of two people not being able to change a long standing pattern that leaves each feeling that the other one is unreasonable. Here are some ideas on how to change this frustrating interchange.  When he husband showed his anger and frustration if she had been able to say to him “I can see that you are upset that I have not been around”. By validating what she could surmise he felt she could have agreed to sit  with him for a little while and told him that she was tired and whe would make sure that they got to connect more the next day.

I came across a quote by Galileo that has left me puzzled.  He said:”You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him discover it within himself.” As a life coach I have helped men and women discover and bring forth  their strength and passions which allowed them to expnd their lives.  They took the action. I assisted in opening their minds to knew possibilities. 

It is the first part of the quote “You cannot teach a man anything” that bothers me. I don’t believe that.  Knowing what to do makes a big difference in our lives.  My neighbor just had neck surgery.  Learning what to expect in recovery, having specific exercises that will strengthen the neck muscles and understanding the pace of recovery have all been extremely helpful in helping her emotionally deal with the slow recovery from this major surgery.

Much of my work has been in helping couples learn healthy communication skills. When couples have applied what they learned they discovered that they were willing to take risks with themselves and speak from the heart.

What is true about what Galileo says is that ultimately we each are responsible for ourselves.  He understood that it is up to each of us to discover who we are and what we are capable of doing.  My mother in her late eighties began crocheting afghans for her great grandchildren.  She knew how to crochet and was used to following patterns.  This time however she took  the bold step of designing each afghan herself  and created a unique personalized design for each afghan.  She did what Galileo said we all need. She discovered within her new talents and her work had  a purpose of providing a memory for her great grandchildren.

The drive to want to be in relationships is universal.  Yet, what we also know is that making relationships work is much more difficult.  Over the years I have  coached many couples who have sought help in rekindling their relationship.  The reasons for seeking help were varied.  The most successful were the couples where both were willing to make changes so that they could enjoy each other again.

Many  couples live together as “married singles”.  They seek personal happiness but have little understanding of how personal happiness is enhanced by mutual support and love.  As I see it they have not learned the skill of  how to juggle personal growth and the growth of the relationship at the same time.  Couples who are happy with each other have learned to balance their own needs with what they want for their relationship.  The goal becomes for each person to take responsibility for their own growth and together they decide what the direction of their relationship.   In addition to “what do I want” they have to also keep in mind “what do WE want.”

Then there are also the couples who  basically have good a good relationship but they feel their relationship needs to be recharged.  I see that most frequently at the time of life when they  have raised their children and now are refocusing on being a couple.  Life has become predictable and routine and average.  One person usually begins the process by indicating that he/she wants change. How they make room for this individual need and grow as a couple is not an easy task.  By introducing change the relationship balance is disrupted.  Knowing intellectually what to expect when change is introduced will help a couple get through this time by growing together.

The key to happy relationships is creating an emotional connection between them. With a solid emotional connection they can together weather what life brings their way. I have put together a  free booklet focused on strengthening the emotional connection between couples.  You will find it at http://www.RekindleYourRelationship.com.  These 33 Tips are for Reconnecting with the True Essence of your Loving Relationship.  I believe that when you know what to do relationships become a lot easier and happier.

My course on communicating with ease is now up. You can claim your free short report “Speak from the Heart and Grow Your Relationships” at http://www.RelationshipCommunicationSimplified.com  and also find out all about this 12 week course.

Please join me on Wednesday, Nov. 9 at 1 PM EST, for a free teleseminar called “Take Control and Create the Life You Want”.  You will get specific suggestions that will enhance how you communicate, relate with others, and take care of yourself. To register please go to  http://budurl.com/dbpr. I am looking forward to having you take part in this  teleclass on Wednesday.

The other news is that my course on communicating with ease is now up. You can claim your free short report “Speak from the Heart and Grow Your Relationships” at http://www.RelationshipCommunicationSimplified.com  and also find out all about this 12 week course. 

What happened last night could really occur anytime.  This was Hallowe’en evening and I briefly stopped by at to see my two grandchildren in their costumes.  She was dressed as a good witch and he as some character out of Star Wars. I handed both a card with $10 in it. They were excited at their sudden wealth.

A few minutes later my 7 year old granddaughter pushed her money away and said”I don’t want it!”  We grown ups rushed in and said a number of things like ”What’s going on. You were happy just a few minutes ago. It’s yours. Put it into your piggy bank.”  She quietly said Okey. Her 5 year old brother was happy with his money.

I was puzzled as to how come she went from being so excited to declaring loudly that she did not want it. I was curious as to what was she saying to herself that prompted her to change her mind? Fortunately we had a chance to talk about it later.  She said she had never had so much money at one time and it made her feel funny.  I asked her what she meant by that. She explained that she thought I had given her too much and she better give it back. 

Giving the money back was in her mind a generous act yet the harshness with which she expressed it  could easily be interpreted as being ungrateful.  How often do we find ourselves in situations where we think we know what the other person means when reality is that we don’t have a clue.  It is when we ask for more information that words and behavior that seem confusing begin to make good sense. 

Communication confusion does not just happen with children but of course also between adults.  It is easy to jump to conclusions as if we were mind readers without giving the other person a chance to explain what is meant.  When confused an effective communication skill is to ask for more information rather than resorting to mind reading.

If you are looking for more helpful suggestions on effective communication skills please visit http:/www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com. Hear you can get a free small report on “Speaking from the Heart” and learn about my 12 week commmunicating with ease course.

If you have been following my blog you are well aware of my interest in how people tallk and listen so that that they feel good about themselves and their relationships are empowered.  Let me give you an example of a very simple but effective communication skill when you are looking for information.  Remember to ask HOW questions instead of WHY questions.  The latter creates defensiveness while the former is a way of asking for more information.  Try it next time you find yourself in such a situation.

How we say things  has a lot to do with our self-confidence.  When we are unsure of ourselves we are much more apt to speak in ways that reflect that.  We may be trying to please in order to curry favor because we fear the other person’s will think of us.  Also how we communicate with others is greatly influenced by what we say to ourselves.  If we feel vulnerable our choice of words will refect that. The way we communicate is learned and if it is not getting us the results we want it may well mean that we need to be open to strengthening the effectiveness of the skills we have.

I have put together a 12 module communication course filled with simple suggestions  to make communicating in relationships more effective.  The suggestions are specific and easy to implement.  Please visit http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com and see for yourself.