Build a Strong Personal Foundation » focus on solutions

Is There a Cure for Depression?

Kristina — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 17:12:33 +0000

Last time I wrote about the new Happiness Pill which is being sold as the answer for our longing to feel good. Since then I have seen ads for pills with similar claims marketed under a variety of names. Of course anti depressants make similar promises. It is no wonder that the percentage of people taking them keeps increasing.

I recently read that Dr. Andrew Weil referred to depression as “the common cold of modern emotional life”. Because of the prevalence of depression I thought this was very apt description. He was not referring to the people who have depression brought on by the imbalance of brain chemicals which can be very debilitating. Instead he was talking about what is commonly referred to as low level depression. What we know is that this kind of depression frequently begins to lift as the result of making changes in thinking and life style habits.

I refer to myself as a self-mastery and relationship coach. I believe that relationship change starts with the individual. Recently I coached a woman who was unhappy and putting most of the blame on her husband. She was stuck in “if only” thinking which kept her in the past. In order to take control of her life she had to start living in the present. Change can only happen in the present. She could see that she had neglected herself by becoming overweight, not caring enough about her appearance, and admitting that she was bored. As she worked at becoming mindful -paying full attention to the present moment- she started to take action to take better care of herself. As her depression began to lift she was in a much better position to address her relationship concerns. As she felt better she was amazed to discover that things that she had thought were big problems could be dealt with successfully.

To feel contentment takes a willingness to address the things that bother us and concrete action to make the necessary changes in order to create the life we want.

Happiness Pill

Kristina — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:54:35 +0000

Did you read the article about the new happiness pill which appeared in many papers? The article claimed that this pill could become the greatest growing mood product. It is touted to be the answer to millions of Americans who are struggling to stay happy. Just two pills a day will ease stress and anxiety and help you live a happier more active life.

As I read this I began to feel depressed.. How sad that so many people are looking for a pill to make them feel better. They were not talking about people who are clinically depressed rather this pill is for ordinary folk who would like to find an easy way to be happy.

I believe that the feeling of happiness is the result of taking charge of one’s own life. A pill will give temporary relief, but unless the underlying conditions are changed ,it will not solve the unhappiness problem. For instance, the pill is not going to alleviate marital conflict. If someone is unhappy because of a weight issue the happiness pill would not address this concern. Likewise, a happiness pill is not going to take care of alcoholism or prescription drug addiction. Whoever in the family takes the happiness pill is most likely going to tolerate a situation that is detrimental to all in the family a bit longer. Unless real change is introduced the underlying problem will not be alleviated.

What about using the natural mood enhancer that is the result of engaging in exercising.? Or eating the kinds of foods that give one energy? Or learning to change communication patterns that are negative and work on having a positive attitude about life? All of those efforts take commitment and persistence in order to produce lasting change.

My worry about the happiness pill is that it becomes a cover-up for addressing life situations that can be changes. It is easy to swallow a few pills daily. It is harder to put time and effort into learning to truly take good care of self. The effort is worth it because there will be the long term result of having created lasting happiness.

Skills For Handling Yourself When Angry

Kristina — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 19:18:49 +0000

There are simple skills that can greatly improve well being. For instance, do you have effective skills for managing yourself when you are upset? This is such a common problem that knowing what to do could make all the difference. When we are emotionally worked up it helps to know how to get control back.

Here are some skills to keep in mind if you want to get back in control.

1. Instead of immediately reacting focus on yourself and begin to breathe deeply. Keep in mind that all of us when we are upset automatically start hyper ventilating and our breath becomes shallow.

2. Silently begin counting to 20 or up to fifty or however long you need. The reason for that is you want to be able to think again. When we are all emotion it is impossible to think clearly.

3. The task is to focus on getting control over yourself. The alternative is that out of anger and frustration you may say or act in ways that you do not want to. By focusing on yourself you will get control back which enhances your well being.

4. Once you can think again figure out what you want the person you are upset with to understand.

5. Speak in “I” messages instead of “you”. You puts the other person on the defensive while I puts you in charge of you.

6. Keep the discussion in the present and stay focused on the issue at hand. If you bring in the past you can no longer find a solution to the present dilemma. By handling your feelings successfully you will have interrupted and changed the communication between you.

Where Does Your Energy Go?

admin — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:54:42 +0000

How are you using your energy? It is so easy for us to be going through the day without having any conscious awareness of where our energy goes.

Carol had been feeling increasingly frustrated that she could not find any time for herself. It seemed that she was constantly responding to requests and demands. I suggested that she had to block in time for herself. She chose two hours on Tuesday afternoon. When Tuesday came she had to really hold herself to this time. Her husband asked her that morning if she wanted to go to an appointment with him. Normally she would have automatically said yes. This time she said no because it meant she would not be back in time for her appointment with herself. What she realized about herself was that she tended to put her needs last and that she readily agreed to other people’s requests. It was like she was on automatic pilot without really being aware that she had choices in how she responded.

Carol became aware that she needed to change her process. Since she was little she had been taught that it was selfish to want time for self. She now realized that as an adult it was up to her to decide how to allocate her time. The result was that the new self awareness freed Carol to listen to her voice and decide what she wanted to do.

We all have habits that we do automatically. It is when we stop the automatic process that we can consciously decide if it makes sense to continue in the same way or make changes that reflect better what we want for ourselves.

Three Cups of Tea

admin — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 14:18:45 +0000

I read the book Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson a while back. Now I am reading it again. The school my grandchildren attend has chosen this book for a family summer read. Every week the school emails us a new question to discuss. Since I am in Annapolis, Maryland and my grandchildren are in Chicago we do our sharing on the telephone. This weeks tea-mail question:

Greg Mortenson’s greatest successes often come following initial failures. For example, had he not failed to summit K2 and gotten lost on his way down, he would never have stumbled into Korphe and met the children who prompted him to build his first school in Pakistan.

What is an example of growth or success that emerged from failure for you?

I can look back and see times where at first I failed and later I was able to say that it indeed was for the best. Since I am doing this with my grandchildren I decided to focus on my school days. I remembered an experience I had in ninth grade. I entered the local science fair with a project on “How Matches work” I had this elaborate model (with my father’s help) of the assembly line in a match factory and a small display discussing what happens when you strike a match. I eagerly waited for my name to be called among the winner. It did not happen. I was devastated, embarrassed, and upset with myself. My defeat stung even more because my brother and sister who were a few grades ahead of me did very well.

Later I remember thinking “what did I do wrong”. As it turned out that was the right question to ask. I realized that my project really didn’t reflect my interest and there was little scientific merit to it. I became determined to do better the following year. I entered a project that I enjoyed working on in the field of Biology. That year I received a first place in Biology.

What I learned about myself was that it was important to look objectively as to why I had failed rather then personalize the loss. I also realized that it takes time to be able to shift from disappointment and anger to be able to figure out what to do next.

Increase Your Self-Confidence

admin — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 13:23:14 +0000

I love quotes because they succinctly capture truisms. Here is one by Rosalyn Carter that I like “If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’s accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. In those few words she sums up that the essence of self-worth is having confidence in ones abilities and then taking action to develop these abilities.

Although I had heard a lot about the movie Precious I finally saw it last night. I found it a hard movie to watch. Precious had grown up in an environment of poverty and horrific physical and emotional abuse. It wasn’t until she became a student at an alternative school that she began to see that life could be different. She had in the past escaped to fantasizing a different life for herself but this time something changed for her. She began to feel that she herself had the ability, in spite of everything that was against her, to take control of her life. Although the movie ends on a positive note it is evident that the road ahead for Precious and her two children will be difficult.

Over time Precious gained self -confidence to envision a different life for herself. Gradually she began to build a strong personal foundation, developed the strength to take action, and the confidence to forge her own life.

Solutions Not Problems

Kristina von Rosenvinge — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:05:45 +0000

If you think you have a problem what you really want is to find a solution. I have found over the years of working with people that in many situation a problem solving approach does not work so well. Looking for solutions achieves good results.

Here is a good example. The other day I coached Judy who had taken the huge step of leaving her secure job to go into business for herself. Now that the initial excitement had worn off and the hard work of marketing and creating a product was in front of her Judy was feeling discouraged. I explained to her that people who are embarking on making changes find that their feelings oscillate until things evolve to a new equilibrium. Instead we focused on finding solutions so she could get unstuck.

I reminded her that she knew best what the next steps needed to be. As she explored her options she came up with a clear plan on what to do next. My task was to ask questions that would lead her towards finding solutions.

Change occurs when we do something differently or look at things differently. Judy shifted her thinking to looking for solutions and as she did that she felt empowered and came up with clear steps as to what she wanted to do next.