I was among the millions of people who watched Oprah’s very last show from Chicago. Over the past 25 years I have tuned in off and on and  liked the way she connected to the issues that people face.  Her parting message was about worthiness. Oprah understood  that most of us struggle with a sense of unworthiness. We want validation from others and block our own blessings by worrying are we worthy enough. She emphasized  that we need to remind ourselves  that we are worthy just because we are here.

Oprah showed a snippet of a previous show  where a woman shared that when she was admired for her achievements  her inner voice  was crying out “do you hear me, do you see me, am I worthy”.  Her inner pain yearned for validation of her worthiness and the external accolades did not meet that need.

I recently coached a  man who was feeling  utterly worthless.  He had been a very successful business man and his identity was tied to his job.  What he had not developed was a solid sense of inner worth.  I challenged him to put his energy into  growing  in the areas that he had neglected.  Once he accepted the truism that people can grow and change at any age he opened himself  up and discovered  strengths and interests that had been dormant all these years. As he learned to validate his essence and take action his sense of worthiness expanded.

Self-worth  is the ability to value one’s self and to treat oneself with love and dignity.  Adults who want to live vibrantly have the opportunity to unlearn limiting beliefs and build a strong sense of inner self worth.  The way to do that is by learning effective communication and relationship skills that lead to feeling good on the inside and in relationship with others.

A simple but effective communication skill is to remember to ask HOW questions instead of WHY questions.  Ask a child “why did you do that”? The answer inevitably is “I don’t know”. Many a parent has been frustrated by such a response.  The same thing of course also happens between  adults.  The reason is that why questions are much more likely put the other person on the defensive.

It is much more effective to ask “how” questions. How questions lead to information and understanding while “why” questions imply blame and  produce defensiveness.  When my children were growing up I had plenty of opportunity to practice this.  My initial instinct was to ask “why did you do that?” The answer inevitably was “I don’t know”.

I had to practice so that I would remember  to to ask the how question since I had been in the habit of automatically asking why. Learning to use how effectively has  made a big difference in my responses. It made it  possible to gather information which then allowed me to frame my responses  based on the information gained.  Both in personal and business situations asking how questions leads to clearer communication with the benefit of  increased understanding.

Today is Valentine’s Day.  My husband reminded me that 45 years ago we had our engagement party on this day.  For years Valentine’s Day brought back memories of that special day.  Today it was his reminder that brought the memory back.  I like to think that the reason I no longer think of that special Valentine’s Day is that there are so many special times that we have shared over all the years.  Not all of it has been easy.  We have had to work through frustrations and misunderstandings in order for both of us to be OK.  Like all couples we brought our fears and insecurities into the relationship and had to learn to accept each other as the imperfect beings we were.  We realized we had to mature  a bit in  how we communicated so that we could  grow as individuals and as a couple and as parents.

It takes practice to communicate clearly and in a way that is growth producing.  I certainly find that when I am upset and angry it is so much easier to go into the attack and blame mode.  I have had to learn to manage my emotions so that I stay in control of myself so that I can hear what my husband has to say and express clearly what it is that bothers me. It takes consistent practice to change habits of reacting.  Our relationship has deepened over the years because we have learned to appreciate our differences and found ways to grow together.

I believe that couples need to know about the process of relating as partners so that they can give and receive love.  Communication habits can be changed if there is a willingness to put effort into building a strong personal foundation and there is a commitment to shared love.

Being in a relationship makes it much harder to also stay in control of your own life.  That is because our relationships organize us. Let me tell you about Carol and how she changed in her marriage.  She is a college educated woman who decided to be a stay at home mom.  Over the years she  found it harder to make decisions and began to defer more and more  to her husband.  She lost confidence in her abilities and it seemed to her that her husband did not even notice the change.  At least he never talked about it.

The changes in their relationship  all happened gradually without either one addressing them.   In order to get control back over her life Carol needed to make changes.  She did not like the woman she had become.  As she would say:  that’s not how I want to see myself.

As Carol took more responsibility for being in control of her own happiness the balance of their relationship began to shift.  Change in one person invariably affects also the other person. Initially her husband was resistant to the changes Carol was making but then he began to see that it also freed  him up to be more in charge of himself.  When couples understand that healthy relationships give each person the freedom to be in charge of self then their relationship allows them to connect emotionally because they want to be with each other.

I have just come back from a fabulous  trip to Brazil visiting Iguazzu Falls, the Panatanal and Rio de Jainero.   While in Rio I had to seek medical care because I discovered that I had a tick embedded on my thigh no doubt brought along from the Safari excursion  in the Wetlands.   Since I do not speak Portugese finding medical care was not easy. I stopped at several medical offices where no one spoke English.  I was not even able to tell them what I needed. It is a very helpless feeling to not be able to communicate.   Finally I did find a dermatologist. I was so relieved  when this doctor spoke  English and was able to remove the tick.

What I also realized about myself was that I had not bothered to learn even the smallest amount of Portugese.  I assumed that  most people would know some English and that I would be able to get by just fine.  The tick episode showed me how arrogant my attitude was.  I wanted others to understand me without my asserting any effort to be understood.  This is a common situation when communication feels stuck in a relationship.  We keep hoping the other person will assert effort and change  and get put out when he/she does not.  It is when we are willing to look at our own part that communication begins to change.

Have you taken something another person said to you personally?  I am certain that everyone of us has experienced that at some time. I surely have done it.  It is a rather common struggle in relationships.  Our self-esteem gets hooked and we respond from our emotional vulnerability.  Here is a useful tip to remember: treat everything that comes to you from the outside as something you have to cope with and not as a way to define yourself.

Here is an example.  Your partner says something to you and  you internally feel criticized.  If you react from that feeling you are giving your spouse the power to define you.  However it you look at the statement as something to cope with you will respond differently.  You will make use of your thinking part and decide for yourself if what “hurt your feelings” applies to you or not. When you decide what is right for you you will feel empowered.

By strengthening our foundation we are growing our feelings of self worth.  The better we feel about ourselves the easier it becomes to communicate clearly with others.  When we do not get emotionally hooked it becomes much easier to resolve differences.

I lost trust in the reliability of my car. This may seem an unusual way to talk about losing trust.  Last week I could not shift out of park nor could I take the key out. I had the car repaired and after a few trips the problem recurred but was worse.   After more adjustments the mechanic assured me from now on I would have no more problems.  His reassurance did not really help me.  I was anxious every time  I used the car that the problem would emerge again.  Now after a week of no  recurring problems I have relaxed. I now trust that the problem has been fixed.

It is so much harder when there is loss of trust in a relationship.  It may take  a much longer time to regain trust if trust has been shattered. The betrayer frequently feels that when he/she has apologized and made  amends that the partner should be able to trust him/her again.  This will depend on the nature and severity of the action that led to the loss of trust.

The partner who has lost trust needs to see behavior change  over time to begin to rebuild trust. Words alone are not enough.  There have  to be actions that show that there is real sincerity to the apology and a commitment  not to have it happen again.

Once trust in someone is lost it just takes time for it to be rebuilt. The time can not be rushed it will just happens if there is no additional behavior that raises concerns.

Most couples that I have worked with will initially say that they do not communicate. I see their frustration with each and feel their hope that if only their partner would make some changes he/she would be fine.  It doesn’t quite work that way.  The solution lies in each person taking responsibility for their own thinking and feelings and learning to clearly communicate that to the other.

How we communicate has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves we are much more apt to take what the other says as belonging to them and not personalizing it.  Yet if we feel down and question our self worth we end up giving a lot of power to our partner.  That’s when the couple power becomes skewed with one partner having too much power with the other one abdicating his/her power. This imbalance leads to communication struggles.

The key to healthy communication is two fold: 1. Learning to bring forth ones strengths and 2. Learning empowering communication and relationship skills.