Build a Strong Personal Foundation » Build a Strong Personal Foundation

Working on Your Life

Kristina — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 19:17:41 +0000

Are you working on your life or are caught up in the daily demands of living? This question was posed Jeanette Cates in a slightly different way. She asked: are you working on your business or in your business. She made a good point that when we work on the business we will be successful since the details of running the business (the IN) become clearer when we know where we are headed.

I think this idea is equally applicable to how we lead our life. When we know the direction we are headed we will be energized and can figure out the way to get there. The first is the big picture the second become the action steps on how to get there. I know that for me when I decided that it was important for me to take care of my body it was the beginning of many changes. As someone who talked big about wanting to exercise but hardly ever found time for it I knew I had to stop talking and start doing. However it wasn’t until I truly committed to working on my life that exercise became a regular part of my life. Surprisingly it took minor shifts in my schedule to make it happen. I began doing to the gym instead of reading the paper in the morning.

It has been that way in other areas of my life also. When I have been clear on what I am working on in my life I become focused. Yet whenever I get caught up in working in my life without it being anchored to a bigger picture I end up being busy but not productive. When you work on your life you are strengthening your personal foundation.

Get Behind the Steering Wheel

Kristina — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:07:59 +0000

Recently I came across a great visual for empowerment “Get out of the backseat and get behind the steering wheel.” When you are in the driver’s seat and want to start moving you have to take action. Turn on the ignition, put the car in drive, and follow the road. If you don’t take those steps you will stand still. It is the driver who has to start the process of getting started.

It takes little energy to stay in the backseat; however, gradually it will lead to feeling stifled. Whenever we settle for less than we are capable off we short change ourselves. It takes energy to get out of the backseat and take responsibility to be in the driver’s seat and choose the path we want to be on. First of all you have to believe that you can change the condition of your life. Secondly, you have to take action to make change happen.

I believe that inside every one of us is a drive that propels us to grow and expect more of ourselves. It is when we ignore this inner voice that we are apt to settle for the backseat. Energy comes from feeling in charge of the direction of our lives. We have to take action in order to create energy for ourselves. For example, we can do that by eating nutritious foods, exercising, getting adequate rest, having positive relationships etc. When we take care of ourselves we become energized and discover that we are no longer in the backseat but instead are in the front seat. There is a new found feeling of empowerment in being able to choose the direction we want our life to take.

Take Control and Strive for Your Excellence

Kristina — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:10:29 +0000

The strive for excellence needs to be a life long pursuit. How we talk to ourselves and what we expect of ourselves is in our control. When we stop expecting much of ourselves and listen to other people’s voices at the expense of our own we stop being in charge of our lives.

I have been helping people find effective ways to talk to themselves and others that bring out their excellence. For instance, when we talk to ourselves with regret and with ”if only” hindsight we are reverting to excuses. Regrets keep us in the past. Our limitations are usually communication habits that we have not re-examined to see if they are still appropriate. Just the other day a woman told me that she was very angry at her mother for continuing to show preference to her sister while belittling her. In her eyes the solution was that mother needed to change. My answer was that she herself had control over her life. Whenever mother belittled her she needed to speak up. She had to let mother know that the way she spoke to her was unacceptable. Said calmly, with conviction, would put her in control and no longer at the mercy of her mother.

It is by growing our self confidence that we truly can strive for excellence. If we accept that we are the only ones who can take responsibility for ourselves we will not want to settle for a life that is less than it could be. My membership course on communication will show you many easy ways to validate yourself and give you helpful tools for strengthening how you talk with others.

5 Ways to Evolve Your Life

Kristina — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:45:21 +0000

What does it mean to evolve your life? To me it means letting go of beliefs and behaviors that get in the way of living to the fullest. Simply put, it is accepting ourselves as we are while simultaneously knowing that there is so much more to us than what we are expressing.

Here are five ways to evolve your life:

1. Have a desire

When we desire to evolve ourselves we know deep inside that there is more to us than we have brought forth. We realize that habits of thinking and being are holding us back from growing into the person we are capable of being.

2. Change the desire into a goal

Use words to express what you desire. Knowing clearly what your goal is helps you stay on course. I recently coached a woman who came up with the following clear goal message: I want to learn to love myself.

3. Make a committment to your goal

The committment to the goal becomes the beacon that you follow. The woman whose goal was to love herself introduced incremental steps towards her goal. Step One became: “I will catch myself when I put myself down and substitute positive words.” Catching herself was a beautiful way of raising her self awareness so that she could begin to transform her image of herself.

4. Invest in what you desire

Invest effort, time and thought into attaining your goal. A clear goalpost makes it easier to stay focused. The journey to grow a strong personal foundation involves having a clear goal propelled by the desire to keep evolving as a person.

5. How to know that you are evolving

You will know deep inside that you are evolving because you begin to feel differently. For instance,the woman who was working towards learning to love herself, was able to tell that her self-confidence was growing. She was more accepting of herself and less concerned about pleasing others all the time. Investing in oneself takes discipline. The reward for this effort is living your life to the fullest.

Three Steps to Gaining Control

Kristina — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:52:05 +0000

Have you found yourself in the situation where you have become a reactor in your own life? You are so busy reacting to external committments and demands that you are no longer paying attention to what you want. I have been at that place and it is scary. I remember vividly feeling that I was disappearing. How do you regain control over yourself? Here are three steps to guide you.

1. Raise your self-awareness

By that I mean admitting to yourself that you have to regroup. Operating as a reactor diminishes you as a person. You end up responding to other people’s agendas without being able to give honest input as to if that is also what you want for yourself. Work and relationship committments are the main areas that can take over one’s life. Unless one finds a way to regroup it will eventually lead to burn-out.

2. Begin viewing yourself as a separate entity

This may sound simplistic but it really is the key to introducing change. For instance if you are constantly responding to your children’s or spouses demands without consciously thinking about your needs you will respond as if you are on automatic pilot. You will keep doing the same thing because you are responding out of habit.

3. Be an Actor in your life

When you start objectively looking at your behavior you are on the road to being able to start introducing change. Pick one thing you want to do differently and then take action to strengthen your voice. By reclaiming your voice you can begin to think first of all “What do I want” when someone makes a request of you. To have a sense of control in your life you have to be vigilant to make sure that yu remain an active participant in your life.

Commitment is Necessary for Lasting Change

Kristina — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:20:43 +0000

Have you ever watched the TV show called THE BIG LOSER? It is a show about very overweight men and women who want to lose weight. Most have struggled for years with unsuccessful dieting and see this as their last chance. It is a very strenuous program consisting of intense physical exercise and learning to make a mindset shift. The people who make a genuine commitment to give their all are the ones who end up being successful at meeting their goals.

I like how clearly “The Biggest Loser” demonstrates the three steps necessary for making successfull changes.

First is the decision to do something
Then comes the internal commitment to yourself to do it
Lastly it is setting up clear steps on how to achieve the desired goal

Have you engaged in the New Year’s ritual of setting new goals? I sure have. Looking back I can say that many of them fell by the wayside after a few weeks. What was missing was the three pronged structure. Indeed I would make decisions to make certain changes. In retrospect I can see that they were look warm decision because I did not make a true commitment to it nor did I set up a realistic step by step sturcture for achieving what I said I wanted.

For years I would say to myself that I really needed to get on a regular exercise program. I would start and stop and start again. It wasn’t until one day I decided that I was kidding myself when I said that I was too busy to exercise. It was true I was busy but I found time by spending less time reading the newspaper and getting up when the alarm went off rather than pushing the snooze alarm. I finally started to have consistent success when I decided exercise was important, made a commitment to my self that I had to do it at least three times a week, and joined a gym and made a concrete plan for when I would exercise.

The big difference was that I no longer gave myself a choice. The result has been that I have felt good physically and pleased that that I have taken responsibility for my physical well being. . There are other areas in my life where I need to apply the same formula. Change takes persistence and effort but the results are well worth it.

Communication-How do you talk to yourself?

admin — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 21:24:23 +0000

Do you realize that the way you talk to yourself is completely in your control? It is by believing this little nugget that you take charge of your life.

Let me share with you what Carol, a coaching client, excitedly shared with me today. We had been talking about the importance of changing how she spoke to herself. Carol has had tragic losses in her life and has struggled with depression. She had developed an inner dialogue where she would put herself down, look at the world through negative glasses, and was resigned to the fact that this was how her life was and that change was not possible.

I have been teaching her about developing a growth mindset which is based on the belief that our brains need new information in order to keep growing. She decided to try to introduce the new thought that she in charge of her own life and that she had no control over others.

In the past with her negative view of self she took responsible for all that went wrong. If her son acted out it was her fault, if her husband raised any questions she would personalize the interaction. She joyfully shared that by changing her inner dialogue from “I am responsible for everyone’s happiness to I am responsible for myself and I need to give others the freedom to be in charge of their lives” she was able to respond differently to them.

To change long standing beliefs takes concentration and practice. As Carol said “It is scary and exciting to feel in charge of myself. Once you ‘ get it’ you want more”. And that is the beauty of building a strong personal foundation.

Fear Stops Us From Taking Action

admin — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 19:31:06 +0000

Probably the single biggest factor for not taking action is fear. Fear can show up in many variations. It could be fear of being judged, fear of success, fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone etc.

I can still remember a woman I knew several years ago. She was in midlife and very ready to make changes. She was so excited when she found a specific program at the community college which would give her the certification she needed to pursue employment in a field that excited her. Her husband initially was supportive; however, as she got further into the program he began to undermine her. Sadly her deep fear of being alone and her fear that the marriage might not withstand this disagreement prompted her to drop her studies. She sacrificed her happiness out of fear. She was not willing to risk challenging their relationship balance in order to create a healthier relationship.

When we run from our fears we stop evolving to be the people we are capable of being. The result for the woman I talked about was that she lost the vibrancy that going back to school provided. It seemed to me that her husband handled his fear that his wife was becoming more independent by making sure that things stayed in the familiar comfort zone.

Midlife is a Time of Growth

admin — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 03:17:44 +0000

I have been invited to meet with a group of dynamic women at a special luncheon to talk about midlife and how to come through this time of life with optimism and direction.

This is a pivotal time in a woman’s life. I look forward to sharing ideas and tools that will help them get through this period so that they feel in control of their life. There are three major factors that occur when one enters midlife. 1. The hormonal changes that will lead to menopause, 2. The questioning “How do I want to spend the rest of my life” and 3. The realization that one needs a growth mindset.

This life transition is necessary because it sets the stage for aging successfully. The hormonal changes will happen naturally and most of the symptoms will resolve themselves at menopause. What to do with the rest of ones life means going deep inside to get in touch with ones values. Simultaneously there comes an awareness that without a growth mindset it is hard to move forward and experience real joy for living.

I am convinced that by dealing with all three factors women emerge from this period of several years of physical and emotional upheaval being surer of themselves. They have accepted the fact that ultimately they have to take responsibility for themselves to take action to evolve their life in order to be happy.

Upgrade Your Relationships

admin — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 21:36:13 +0000

We interact in many different kinds of relationships. There are our family members, co-workers, friends, our neighbors, the mailman, colleagues, and many others. Some of these relationships are superficial while others greatly impact our lives. Ask yourself which of those enhance your life and which limit you or are not good for you.

The ones that enhance your life do not need to be upgraded. You may want to make them even more rewarding. If you have people in your life who pull you down you may have to rethink as to why you allow people into your life that affect you negatively. Relationships that sap your vibrancy need to be upgraded or let go.

We have two different kind of relationships: our family relationships and then the ones we choose. Family relationships are often hard to walk away from. Yet there, if we keep in mind that we can not change the other person, we do have control over ourselves. For instance anyone who is living with an alcoholic or a drug addict will have to face the sad fact that he/she has no control over the substance abuser because the abusers primary relationship is with the substance. The person you can upgrade is yourself. When you upgrade you will no longer try to monitor or fix the other instead you will start putting your energy into taking action in areas that are in your control.

A benefit of building a strong personal foundation is that we start upgrading our lives. As we take responsibility for upgrading ourselves we no longer are willing to put up with relationships that keep pulling us down. In addition to our biological community we can also choose our relationships. A real benefit of these chosen communities is being able to form relationships that bring out the best in us. When we do that we continue to upgrade who we are. Often family communities can be upgraded, on rare occasions they are so toxic that they need to be let go.

The fact that we can have both a biological and a chosen community enriches our lives. By taking responsibility to upgrade who we are our change affects how we relate in our relationships. We start expecting more of ourselves and stop allowing others to manipulate or devalue us because we have learned to love ourselves.