What we say to ourselves is the key to succeeding in life. Listen to yourself. How do you talk to yourself? I have been reading remembrances that my grandfather wrote. He prospered both in business and in life. His philosophy of life was that he created his successes. He learned from mistakes but did not let them defeat him. He realized at an early age that it was his responsibility to make something of his life. Just that thought kept him focused on getting ahead and seeing opportunities. He did not believe in waiting around instead he became a man who was willing to take action and make things happen. He knew that he was in charge of his success and that belief was solidly reflected in how he spoke to himself.
If you are in the habit of putting yourselves down it is time to change this limiting self talk. Change it is a conscious activity. The first thing you want to do is to become aware of your negative self talk. Then the next step is to begin making a conscious change in what you say to yourself. You may want to say instead “I am in charge of my life”. If you say that often enough and mean it you will see yourself growing into taking charge and prospering. What we focus on expands.
When we take charge of our lives it frees us up to prosper. The dictionary definition of prosper is to succeed, to thrive. It is up to each of us to decide what prosper means to us. Success to me means being able to live according to my values and having the freedom to be who I am. Being in charge howevere comes with responsibility. It involves putting effort into caring about self, learning to be a good partner, parent and person in order to prosper in ones personal and professional life.
There are times when we may actually be unaware that we are not in charge or realize that we can do something about it. For instance, someone who allows others to take advantage of them is not in charge. Likewise someone who has developed a dependency on alcohol, drugs-including prescription- is no longer in charge. What we do know is that we can all learn to take charge of our lives. Depending on what we learned growing up about how to manage ourselves and life we may have little to unlearn or a lot to unlearn. There is much information available as to what one can do in order to practice good self care and have healthy relationships. It takes making a commitment to be the kind of person one is capable of being.
To be fully in charge of our life is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. It is worth the lifelong investment to put effort into making it happen.
I have been talking about the fact that we cannot stop getting older and about what we can do to age vibrantly. Relationship struggles are one of the biggest energy drainers that lead to chronic stress. This stress will in time affect our health and well being.
Let me share an example. Ann was a successful professional woman. It was when she got a new boss that Ann began feeling much stress. This man, in contrast to her previous hands off boss, was a micromanager and critical.
Ann was at the point of seriously considering a job change except that she loved the professional challenges of this job. It got so bad that she dreaded going to work, was irritable and discouraged. With coaching help Ann made the decision to relate differently to him. She began relating to him from an equal basis rather than from the hierarchical model that he seemed to prefer. She began to treat him with respect, and saw that he relied on his bossiness because he lacked the skills to be an egalitarian leader. As she began to operate from a position of equality she felt better and related to him with an attitude of acceptance rather than intimidation.
Whenever we find ourselves in a relationship situation that is causing us stress it becomes vital to look for a solution. Here is a quote by George Bernard Shaw that speaks to this:
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world and the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.
The truth is that we cannot stop getting older but there is much we can do to make sure we age vibrantly. We are learning a lot about aging well from studying the number of people who are living to 100. An increasing percentage of these centenarians are able to live independently, are physically intact, mentally alert and vibrant. What accounts for their longevity? My first question was ”Is it genetics? ” Indeed genetics plays a significant part. Yet it is life style choices and good health practices that are making the biggest difference. People who may have great genetics but who have abused their bodies will not age as well.
There however is good news. Anything we do to enhance our well being is bound to add additional helathy years to our life. What we really all want is a long health span. A long lifespan without good health does not create vibrancy. When I talk about vibrancy I am referring to feeling content and being able to enjoy and cope with life. Over the next number of weeks I will be writing here about steps you can do to enhance your health span.
The first thing to do is to decide on your big goal. For instance, you might say to yourself: I want to be healthy. Then pick one thing that you are willing to start tomorrow. Make it so small that you can actually visualize yourself doing it. Here is what Carol picked. She had talked about adding exercise to her life but not succeeded. The reason was that her plate was full with work, home , children etc. Reality was that she never made a real commitment to add exercise to her life and so other things took priority. This time she made a committment to herself to walk three times a week at work at lunch time. She could see herself succeeding. And she did. The difference was that she picked something that was doable and then expected herself to honor the commitment to herself.
Whenever I use the term upgrade your relationships I get a variety of reactions. Most people are a bit puzzled and have little idea of what I am talking about. What I mean is that we have some relationships that enhance our life and may have others that are not so good for us. The once that enhance life do not need to be upgraded. If you have people in your life that pull you down you may have to rethink as to why you have them in your life. You may either have to see if these relationships can be changed or ask yourself why you allow relationships that pull you down.
As you ungrade your own life you become more aware of which relationships are rewarding. You may realize that things that before you accepted you no longer are willing to do so. Here is an example. Molly had had a number of disappointing and abusive realtionshiops and had conflict with her co-workers. As she strengthened her emotional fitness and learned better relationship skills she indeed began to attract healthier friends and was able to handle work conflicts appropriately. The more work she put into taking good care of herself physically and emotionally the easier it became for her to let go of people who were holding her back.
As she upgraded her life she was able to bring forth her strengths and increase her self confidence. We attract what we are ready for. By upgrading who we are we upgrade the people we let into our lives. We relate in new ways with family members and attract people into our lives that are good for us.
Why you want to rekindle your relationship is a very important question to ask. The clearer you are the easier it becomes to introduce effective change. Do you want the other person to change some behavior? Do you want both of you to take your relationship to a new level? Do you want to make changes in your career and are not sure how to bring it up? Do you want to rekindle the emotional connection you once had? Or, it could be so many other reasons.
Take out pencil and paper and write down what you are hoping for when you say you want to rekindle your relationship. Ask yourself how much does the relationship matter to you? Are you focusing on what you want the other person to do or does what you wrote clearly reflect your thinking? You want this be an authentic reporting of why you want to rekindle your relationship. This step will help you know what you want.
Ultimately rekindling is creating a loving emotional connection between the two people where each feels accepted and valued by the other and where they see each other as having equal worth. Each person has to take responsibility for self and accept that he/she cannot change the other. When you know your reason for rekindling it becomes easier to introduce the right change. Any time one person introduces change the relationship begins to alter.
I believe that having effective communication skills is the key to building strong relationships. Did you know that the number one issue that couples list when they are hurting has to do with communication struggles? They no longer feel heard and understood by each other. Love that at one point brought them together is now pulling them apart with the inability to find solutions that work for both.
It is not easy to be in a relationship. There is the constant struggle of the need to be a separate self while at the same time wanting to be together. The more a person works at strengthening their own emotional core the easier it becomes to build relationships that are respectful of each person. I am a big fan of Pilates where the emphasis is on strengthening the physical core. It takes work to keep the physical core fit. Likewise it takes effort to strengthen the emotional core which in essence is our character.
I have prepared a 12 week program which I have called: Relationship Communication Simplified which deals with communication and relationships. Every lesson will give you specific tools for effective communication and concepts for understanding the power of relationships. I invite you to visit http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com and claim your free copy of SPEAK FROM THE HEART AND GROW YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Knowing what to do gives you power.
One of the biggest struggles for couples is how to handle disagreements. Just think about it. Here are two people each with their own ideas of how to handle differences. Yet the outcome has to be one that both can support. It is no wonder that trying to resolve disagreements is the cause of much anger and pain in relationships. Knowing how to handle self when in a disagreement makes a big difference. Here are three helpful tips.
- No name calling
As soon as one person resorts to put downs or name calling it is no longer a discussion. What may have started as a discussion has now shifted into a struggle as to who ends up being the winner.
2. Stick to the topic at hand
Deal with the issue you are trying to resolve. If you pull in the past it is easy to lose sight of what you are trying to resolve. This is when “you always” or “you never” accusations often get brought up. If instead you stick to the topic at hand you are much more likely to resolve the current issue, When your partner goes into the past a gentle reminder to stay on topic may be necessary.
3. Manage your own anxiety
Learning to manage anxiety is the key to resolving conflict. Each person can only take responsibility to do that for self. It is a given that when we get anxious our ability to think clearly is compromised. We are much more concerned about protecting ourselves at that point. Yet what is the most helpful is to accept responsibility for calming ourselves down. When we do that we start seeing our own part in the interaction. This objectivity also makes it possible to really hear the other person’s point of view.
It is quite common, especially in the second half of life, to feel that ones marriage or relationship may need a bit of rekindling. By then life has settled into a routine that may be good but no longer exciting. I encourage spouses to think of what they can do for each other. If you shift your thinking to what you can do to reconnect it immediately changes the dynamic between the two people.
Did you know that it is the little things that create closeness? What do you know about your spouse that would please him/her? One man I coached said right away “If I would greet her after work with a little kiss and linger in the kitchen”. He said he used to do it and then life got busy and somehow he stopped. It wasn’t deliberate on his part. This little ritual just stopped being a habit in their relationship. He added that he felt a little awkward about resuming this ritual; however, he was willing to try. The result was that reintroducing this special act of connecting became the foundation for rekindling their relationship.
Pay attention to what your partner does that pleases you. Use words like thank you, I appreciate what you did, and show love generously. If you wish to learn more about strengthening relationships I invite you to visit http://www.rekindleyourrelationship.com
Did you know that we all have boundaries around us? These are the imaginary lines we have established that let others know what they can and connot say to us or what they can or cannot do to us. Because they are invisible others find out about them by the way we interact with them.
Several years ago I was in India where physical boundaries are different. I felt that people tended to stand much closer to me than what I was used to. It made me uncomfortable. There was one time when I was in a lovely tourist shop in Jaipur, India where six men surrounded me trying to sell me scarves. They were beautiful but I had to get away because I felt suffocated by their proximity. I was experiencing a strong reaction to different cultural boundaries.
Our personal boundaries we learned growing up. We all know what our individual boundaries are. If they are too loose we will allow others to take advantage of us and if they are too tight we end up being critical and judgmental of ourselves and others. As adults we can learn to change our personal boundaries so that we feel that we are in control of our life. The real benefits of appropriate boundaries are that they give us the flexibility to let positive people into our lives and keep toxic people out. The control for where we set our boundaries belongs to each one of us. When our confidence is low we are apt to put up with behavior and words that are not OK. It is when we work at increasing our self confidence then we will be able to establish boundaries that are not too loose or too tight but instead just right for us.
Appropriate boundaries make for healthy relationships. You can learn more about how to create effective boundaries and strengthen relationship communication by visiting http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com.
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Take Charge Of Your Life With A Strong Personal Foundation!
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