Are you working on your life or are caught up in the daily demands of living? This question was posed Jeanette Cates in a slightly different way. She asked: are you working on your business or in your business. She made a good point that when we work on the business we will be successful since the details of running the business (the IN) become clearer when we know where we are headed.
I think this idea is equally applicable to how we lead our life. When we know the direction we are headed we will be energized and can figure out the way to get there. The first is the big picture the second become the action steps on how to get there. I know that for me when I decided that it was important for me to take care of my body it was the beginning of many changes. As someone who talked big about wanting to exercise but hardly ever found time for it I knew I had to stop talking and start doing. However it wasn’t until I truly committed to working on my life that exercise became a regular part of my life. Surprisingly it took minor shifts in my schedule to make it happen. I began doing to the gym instead of reading the paper in the morning.
It has been that way in other areas of my life also. When I have been clear on what I am working on in my life I become focused. Yet whenever I get caught up in working in my life without it being anchored to a bigger picture I end up being busy but not productive. When you work on your life you are strengthening your personal foundation.
Recently I came across a great visual for empowerment “Get out of the backseat and get behind the steering wheel.” When you are in the driver’s seat and want to start moving you have to take action. Turn on the ignition, put the car in drive, and follow the road. If you don’t take those steps you will stand still. It is the driver who has to start the process of getting started.
It takes little energy to stay in the backseat; however, gradually it will lead to feeling stifled. Whenever we settle for less than we are capable off we short change ourselves. It takes energy to get out of the backseat and take responsibility to be in the driver’s seat and choose the path we want to be on. First of all you have to believe that you can change the condition of your life. Secondly, you have to take action to make change happen.
I believe that inside every one of us is a drive that propels us to grow and expect more of ourselves. It is when we ignore this inner voice that we are apt to settle for the backseat. Energy comes from feeling in charge of the direction of our lives. We have to take action in order to create energy for ourselves. For example, we can do that by eating nutritious foods, exercising, getting adequate rest, having positive relationships etc. When we take care of ourselves we become energized and discover that we are no longer in the backseat but instead are in the front seat. There is a new found feeling of empowerment in being able to choose the direction we want our life to take.
After an hour of exercising this morning I had coffee with two women at the gym. Each of them expressed frustration with their husbands. It all came down to communication difficulties. The husband of one got upset because she did not want to watch a TV special ( a show he knew she liked) with him. The real issue was that she had been at a neighbors baking cookies all evening and he was lonely. He was not able to say that directly instead he loudly insisted she watch the show. She was upset that he was yelling at her and snapped back that she was going to bed.
She added that she usually acquiesces or leaves the room. Neither is a satisfactory solution because this similar pattern keeps recurring. Such interchanges leave both of them frustrated. Here is a simple suggestion on what she could do differently next time. When he confronted her if she were to say ” I understand that I have not been around much and I have appreciated how tolerant you have been.” Hopefully he would have felt understood.. She could have decided to stay for a little while and also let him know that she would have to go to bed shortly since she was exhausted.
Arguments frequently result from not using words to really explain to the other person what is going on emotionally. Instead it may come out as blaming and criticizing. As soon as one person responds differently the communication system begins to change. I have a helpful 12 lesson series on skills for communicating with ease. You can find out more about it by going to http://www.relationshipcommunicationsimplified.com.
This is a good example of two people not being able to change a long standing pattern that leaves each feeling that the other one is unreasonable. Here are some ideas on how to change this frustrating interchange. When he husband showed his anger and frustration if she had been able to say to him “I can see that you are upset that I have not been around”. By validating what she could surmise he felt she could have agreed to sit with him for a little while and told him that she was tired and whe would make sure that they got to connect more the next day.
I came across a quote by Galileo that has left me puzzled. He said:”You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him discover it within himself.” As a life coach I have helped men and women discover and bring forth their strength and passions which allowed them to expnd their lives. They took the action. I assisted in opening their minds to knew possibilities.
It is the first part of the quote “You cannot teach a man anything” that bothers me. I don’t believe that. Knowing what to do makes a big difference in our lives. My neighbor just had neck surgery. Learning what to expect in recovery, having specific exercises that will strengthen the neck muscles and understanding the pace of recovery have all been extremely helpful in helping her emotionally deal with the slow recovery from this major surgery.
Much of my work has been in helping couples learn healthy communication skills. When couples have applied what they learned they discovered that they were willing to take risks with themselves and speak from the heart.
What is true about what Galileo says is that ultimately we each are responsible for ourselves. He understood that it is up to each of us to discover who we are and what we are capable of doing. My mother in her late eighties began crocheting afghans for her great grandchildren. She knew how to crochet and was used to following patterns. This time however she took the bold step of designing each afghan herself and created a unique personalized design for each afghan. She did what Galileo said we all need. She discovered within her new talents and her work had a purpose of providing a memory for her great grandchildren.
The strive for excellence needs to be a life long pursuit. How we talk to ourselves and what we expect of ourselves is in our control. When we stop expecting much of ourselves and listen to other people’s voices at the expense of our own we stop being in charge of our lives.
I have been helping people find effective ways to talk to themselves and others that bring out their excellence. For instance, when we talk to ourselves with regret and with ”if only” hindsight we are reverting to excuses. Regrets keep us in the past. Our limitations are usually communication habits that we have not re-examined to see if they are still appropriate. Just the other day a woman told me that she was very angry at her mother for continuing to show preference to her sister while belittling her. In her eyes the solution was that mother needed to change. My answer was that she herself had control over her life. Whenever mother belittled her she needed to speak up. She had to let mother know that the way she spoke to her was unacceptable. Said calmly, with conviction, would put her in control and no longer at the mercy of her mother.
It is by growing our self confidence that we truly can strive for excellence. If we accept that we are the only ones who can take responsibility for ourselves we will not want to settle for a life that is less than it could be. My membership course on communication will show you many easy ways to validate yourself and give you helpful tools for strengthening how you talk with others.
“Mediocrity is excellent to the eyes of mediocre people” is a quote by Joubert. Yet no one I have ever known wants to be mediocre. I do think there are many people who have settled for mediocre lives instead of challenging themselves to be excellent in their eyes.
I have read this quote many times and I think I finally truly understand what is meant by it. Mediocrity can show itself in many ways. Someone may be financially esteemed and respected but not be a person of character. Let’s take Bernie Madoff as an example. He cheated people out of their money because he was running a Ponzi scheme. For a long time he was highly esteeme. This image fell apart when it was discovered that in terms of his character he was lower than mediocre.
For most people it is not so extreme but they settle for a life that is not as challenging or emotionally rewarding as they would like. Instead of applying effort and creating the life they want they accept what by now has become a mediocre life. They may no longer be challenged by work, happy in their relationship, or feel excitement and passion that gives life meaning.
I have been at that place at various times in my life. I think throughout life we get to new plateau and then we start hearing this inner voice that reminds us there is more that we can expect of ourselves. Whenever I have ignored this voice I have become unhappy, blamed others, and lacked vibrancy.
We are living at a time where many people are relying on anti depressents to cope with their lives. I do wonder how many are settling for mediocre lives instead of grappling with what do they really desire their lives to be like.
When you really want something the way to achieve it is to make an internal commitment. You have to believe with all your heart that this is what you want and that you are willing to put time and effort into attaining it. Your commitment might be to lose weight, start a new business, have a satisfying marriage, raise successful happy children, publish the book that is inside you, run a marathon or sail across the ocean. The goals are individual but the road of how to get there is similar.
The first step is to do a bit of soul searching in order to become clear as to why this matters so much to you. This will get you in touch with your values, interests, and potential sacrifices. Next you make the commitment to yourself. If what you will be doing has a real impact on others it would be good to let them know what your goal is.
Having made the commitment to your goal you define and set set up the steps that will help you get there. You want to do this lightly so that when it becomes necessary to modify some of the steps you are willing to do so. You will become focused in your actions as you move towards your goal because you believe that whatever you are trying to achieve is possible.
Much of my work has been with couples who want to rekindle their relationships. I have seen over and over that when they make a commitment to this goal they open themselves up to learning new skills which will lead to growing togetgher. Or if the goal is to “be all I can be” it unleashes a desire to take wonderful good care of self emotionally and intellectually. Likewise, if the goal is to start a new business the commitment becomes the beacon that is as steadfast as a lighthouse. When we make the commitment we show that we believe and trust ourselves to attain our goal.
The drive to want to be in relationships is universal. Yet, what we also know is that making relationships work is much more difficult. Over the years I have coached many couples who have sought help in rekindling their relationship. The reasons for seeking help were varied. The most successful were the couples where both were willing to make changes so that they could enjoy each other again.
Many couples live together as “married singles”. They seek personal happiness but have little understanding of how personal happiness is enhanced by mutual support and love. As I see it they have not learned the skill of how to juggle personal growth and the growth of the relationship at the same time. Couples who are happy with each other have learned to balance their own needs with what they want for their relationship. The goal becomes for each person to take responsibility for their own growth and together they decide what the direction of their relationship. In addition to “what do I want” they have to also keep in mind “what do WE want.”
Then there are also the couples who basically have good a good relationship but they feel their relationship needs to be recharged. I see that most frequently at the time of life when they have raised their children and now are refocusing on being a couple. Life has become predictable and routine and average. One person usually begins the process by indicating that he/she wants change. How they make room for this individual need and grow as a couple is not an easy task. By introducing change the relationship balance is disrupted. Knowing intellectually what to expect when change is introduced will help a couple get through this time by growing together.
The key to happy relationships is creating an emotional connection between them. With a solid emotional connection they can together weather what life brings their way. I have put together a free booklet focused on strengthening the emotional connection between couples. You will find it at http://www.RekindleYourRelationship.com. These 33 Tips are for Reconnecting with the True Essence of your Loving Relationship. I believe that when you know what to do relationships become a lot easier and happier.
My course on communicating with ease is now up. You can claim your free short report “Speak from the Heart and Grow Your Relationships” at http://www.RelationshipCommunicationSimplified.com and also find out all about this 12 week course.
Last time I wrote about the new Happiness Pill which is being sold as the answer for our longing to feel good. Since then I have seen ads for pills with similar claims marketed under a variety of names. Of course anti depressants make similar promises. It is no wonder that the percentage of people taking them keeps increasing.
I recently read that Dr. Andrew Weil referred to depression as “the common cold of modern emotional life”. Because of the prevalence of depression I thought this was very apt description. He was not referring to the people who have depression brought on by the imbalance of brain chemicals which can be very debilitating. Instead he was talking about what is commonly referred to as low level depression. What we know is that this kind of depression frequently begins to lift as the result of making changes in thinking and life style habits.
I refer to myself as a self-mastery and relationship coach. I believe that relationship change starts with the individual. Recently I coached a woman who was unhappy and putting most of the blame on her husband. She was stuck in “if only” thinking which kept her in the past. In order to take control of her life she had to start living in the present. Change can only happen in the present. She could see that she had neglected herself by becoming overweight, not caring enough about her appearance, and admitting that she was bored. As she worked at becoming mindful -paying full attention to the present moment- she started to take action to take better care of herself. As her depression began to lift she was in a much better position to address her relationship concerns. As she felt better she was amazed to discover that things that she had thought were big problems could be dealt with successfully.
To feel contentment takes a willingness to address the things that bother us and concrete action to make the necessary changes in order to create the life we want.
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